Where would I be today?

I am sitting at an Italian restaurant waiting for the girl I consider my best friend to tell her for the first time that I love her and want to move our relationship up to the next level. I have known Nicole for many years, but this will be the first time I am going to express my feelings to her.

          I would never have thought that I will say, "I love you" to her. Please do not get me wrong, Nicole is a beautiful woman. I would be lucky if she says yes and wants to be my girlfriend. All these years she has been my best friend; if I have problems I can always come to her. Again, she would come to me if she had any problems.   

         As she walks toward the table, I can not believe how beautiful she is. I must be in love, because she is more beautiful than I remember. She is wearing a simple white sweater and blue jeans and she is still beautiful. I stand up to greet her "Hello there!" 

         "Sorry, I'm late. What are the flowers for?" She pointed at a single pink rose on the table.   

        "It's for you."  

        "Really? What is the occasion? It's too early to be my birthday?" She was surprised to see the flower. It is very rare that I give her flowers.      

    "Yes, your birthday is in October; we are only in July now. I just decided to give you one, that's all." 

         She smiled at me and continued. "Thank you!"

          By this time, our waiter was at our table to take our order and I was very nervous. By the end of the night, I am going to tell her how much I love her, and that I would like to take our relationship to the next level. During first few minutes of the conversation, I do not think I was paying attention to her. "Are you listening to me?" she finally asked.

          "What?" She caught me by surprise. I was daydreaming about what it will be like when we become a couple.

           "Did you hear what I said?" she asked me.

           "I'm sorry. I was thinking about us." 

         "Us?" she looked surprised and continued. "Why? What's going on with us?" 

         "No, I just remembered the first time I met you." I was lying to her. I was trying to rehearse what I was going to say to her later on tonight. The words "I love you" I have said many times, and I had said this to many women before; I have never had a problem saying the words.

            "Yes, I remembered I was sitting at the bar drinking, and you happened to sit next to me that night."

"I had just broken up with my girl friend, at that time."

"There was an empty chair right next to me, and that's when you asked me, "Is anyone sitting here?" and I said, "No."”

"From that moment on, you became my best friend." I said. It is true she had become my best friend. She had become the person that I come to for advice about dealing with women.

Nichole continued, "One of the reasons I started a conversation with you was because you looked so sad." I smiled at her.

"I was on my way home, after spending half a day with my ex-girl friend to confront her for cheating on me."

"I had a lot of guy friends, but none of them had as many of problems as you do." she was laughing.

"You are laughing at my pain." She was right, after that incident; I had dated a few times and always chose the wrong person. 

          "What's a friend for?" Both of us were laughing and enjoying great food.

 "But seriously, without you that night I would not be here today."

"What do you mean? You have told me many times but I had never asked you what do you meant?"

"Well, I never told anyone this but at that time my life was a mess. A week before, I just lost a job that I had more than five years, plus I found out that the girl I considered marrying had been cheating for a few months." I took a sip of water before continuing. "I was thinking about moving to another state, to start all over. Then I met you at the bar.”

Nicole was holding my hand and leaned over to kiss my forehead. "Really, you never told me about planning to move to another state."

"Well, because of what you said, I changed my mind."

"Really, what did I say? I don't remember." I smiled at her and then said. "First of all you were listening to me, it helps that you understand what I'm going though." I looked at her carefully and continued, "Again, that was the first time we met, and you already wanted to help me."

"You remember, a year before I had lost my job, due to a car accident. I understood what you were going though at that time." She then picked up her glass of water and took a sip, and continued. "Plus, it looked like you needed company at that time."

          We both were laughing and continued talking and enjoying the food until it time for us to go. I decided to go for a walk at our favorite park, since it was a beautiful night. It was a prefect night for a romantic walk. As we walked, I decided to hold on her hand; this was the first time that we had held hands.

          "What a beautiful night?" Nicole said.

          "Yes it is a beautiful night; I don't think we have ever walked in a romantic atmosphere like this before." I was trying to set the mood for the question.

"What's with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is there a new lady in your life?"

I was laughing and talking to myself; you don't know how true it is. "Yes, in a way."

"What do you mean in a way? You either love her or not. There no in between.”

How can I tell her she is that person? "If that's what my choice is then I am in love."

"Did you tell her yet?"

"Not yet, I don't know how to say it."

"If you don't know then what's? I thought you were lady's man." She is laughing.

"Well…" I guess it time for me tell her. "Here's an empty bench, let's sit down." As we were sitting; I put my arm over her shoulder; this is probably the first time I had ever done this. She looks at me a few minutes, moves closer to me, then puts her head on my shoulder.

          "It's a beautiful night." I was smiling at her and then said. “Yes, it is; I think this is the first time we have ever sat here and there are a lot of stars."

She was surprised that I realized that. "OK now, what's wrong with you?"
          I laughed at her and continued. "Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just realizing that we have known each other over two years and this is probably the first time we have ever done anything romantic."

She was looking at me as if to ask what in my mind. "I guess you're right," she was speaking in a confused voice. She looked at me for a few minutes before continuing, "What do you mean by that?"

"What do you mean?" I do not understand her. "Why did you say that this is the first time we have ever done anything romantic?"

"Nothing Nicole, I just realized it and thought it was funny."

"Funny? How?"

"I just think that we both are still single and spend a lot time together have never had a romantic night. I just think that is funny."

"OK, I see."

This is a good opportunity for me to tell her about my feelings, but I still feel nervous and scared of the outcome. What will happen if she doesn't feel the same way? "So what do you think about us?"

"What about us?"

"Have you ever thought about us being together?"

"Together? What do mean? We are together now."

"I mean about us going date together. Have you ever thought about us going out as boyfriend and girlfriend?" in a way I said it. My heart was beating fast and hoped that her answer would be yes. 

She then sat up, gave me with a weird look. "No, why are you asking that? You are my best friend."

This is not what I expected her answer to be. "I see…" I did not know what to say next.

"What about you? Have you ever thought about this?"

I want to lie to her to say "no" but I have never lied to her in all the time we've known each other. I told her. "Yes, I did. For the last month, my feelings for you have grown. I was hoping that you are feeling the same way."

          "You are my best friend; I can tell you everything. You are like the big brother I never had. You are very protective of me. I always considered you as my big brother, that all. I am sorry."

I didn't know what to say after that; the only thing I could say was that "Oh…" and I just sat there for few minutes until I composed myself and said.”Nicole, you are my best friend; that's one of the reasons why I have fallen in love with you. You are the only one who understands me; I wish that I had these feeling earlier." I took a deep breath and continued. "Without you that night, we would not be sitting here right now. You were an example for me, at that time in my life."

          She was trying to compose herself before saying. "Thank you for your kindness; I understood your pain that night. I had sat at home crying many nights. I have never told you this. A few months before I met you, I also broke up with the man I was going to marry."

"Really? I guess that's why we understand each other." I was surprised.

"Yes, I do understand you."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked.

          "I just want to forget about it; it was too painful for me. Believe me no one knows about this; except you now."

"I am sorry to hear that; whenever you ready to talk, I'm here for you."

"I know, that's why I telling you the story now. Several years ago I was about to be married, when I found out that the man I loved was cheating on me."

          "I'm sorry to hear that; I understand why it was hard for you to tell anyone about this."

"Thank you." "How did you find out that he was been cheating on you?"

She looked up in the sky then continued. "That night was supposed to be a special night. We were supposed to celebrate our third year anniversary, when the whole thing happened."

"Happen? He forgot the anniversary; he was with the other woman?"

"No, I have never met the girl; well, we were at the restaurant to celebrate our anniversary, when an older gentleman walked up to us and said, "Hey Charley, how's your lady doing?" You should have seen him; he literally jumped out of the chair when Charley saw him."

"Did Charley say anything?" I decided to ask.

          "Yes, he did. He said. "You must have the wrong Charley. This is my woman. I don't know what you are talking about."”

"Then, I guess you did not believe him."

"No, I didn't, because later I saw Charley walk up to the waiter, give him a piece of paper point to the table that the other guy was at earlier."

"Oh I see!" I said.

"I asked him, "What did you give our waiter?" and he said "Nothing". At that time I said, "Ok! But I do have doubt about this."

"Nothing, until later, when I happened to hear Charley calling the other woman at my apartment."

"What did he say?"

"Yes, he was telling her that he was still at work and said they'd go out for dinner at an Italian restaurant down town."

"How did you confront him?"

"Well, I asked him who was on the phone."

"Well, he told me that he just used my phone to call his office, to see what's going on?"

"So what did you do after that?"

"Well, I knew where the restaurant was located, so I decided to disguise myself so he wouldn't." Nicole was silent a few minutes, then continued. "I was at the restaurant haft an hour early to find a good place to sit where I could see the whole place. With help from the waiter, I was at a table located close to the back. Half-hour later, Charley walked into the restaurant. He talked to waiter who walked Charley to a table. Not long after, she walked in and gave him a kiss and sit right across from him.          "So, did you tell them that night?" I asked Nicole.

"No, but I followed them all night to see what was happening before I told him it's over."

          "Then, when did you talk with him?"

          "A days later; like any other time Charley was coming over for dinner. At that time I asked him questions about that woman."    

         "How did he answer you?"
          "He said that I was mistaking him for someone else; he was at work until 9pm, when went home. He never stopped at any place for anything."      

          "Did you have any evidence about that night?" I asked. 

          "Yes, I did. I brought my camera and took pictures with it."

          "Oh, you did!" and we both laughed for a while, until she continued to tell me that night she broke up with him. That was the last time she saw him. Nicole told me: "That whole year was very tough for me. That is why I understood how you felt that night at the bar."

          "That one of the reasons; I had asked you the question earlier? I would not be where I'm at right now, if I hadn't met you that night."  

          She looked at me then said. "I feel honored. Since that day at the bar, I have found a new friend, a big brother. I don't want to lose that."  

          "I don't understand." 

         "It would change; once we begin dating." 

         "Change for the best! Don't you think?" I was asking the question.   

          "Not really, what happens if it changes for the worst?" 

         "How can it be worse?" 

         She looked at me for a few minutes, and then continued. "I have seen a lot of couples who changed once they became a couple." 

          "How?"        

          "They began to fight about trivial things. I don't want us to go through that."

          "We're not like that."
          "How do you know? Do you know what? Most of the couple that I know who best friends first and then became couple later, said the same thing you did at the beginning. They would never expect that would ever happen to them." She paused for a second then continued. "I understand every couple is different; we might be the couple that made it but I'm not going to take a chance with our friendship yet."  

        "I see." I was disappointed but there is nothing I could do about it.            She continued, "Let say we start dating for awhile, we have a big fight and the result of requires us to break up. I'm afraid losing the only guy friend that I have."      

          "Me too, but what if we mean more to each other?" 

          She was quiet for few minutes and said. "I guess at this moment; I'm not ready to become your girlfriend." She then looks at me and continues. "I'm sorry."      

          "I understand; I will wait for you your heart to change." I said with a sad voice.       

          "I am sorry, please forgive me. I don't want to hurt you"   

          I didn't know what to say other than. "That's fine." The mouth was saying "yes" but the heart was saying "no." I cannot believe that she did not feel the same way I did. I had to sit there for few minutes to compose myself before continuing. "I'm wish that I never told you about this. Now it's in the open."  

          A few months after that I moved back home to help with the family business. Nicole and I never saw each other again. I am now married with three kids but I still wonder what would have happed if she said yes that night? I am in love with my wife now, but I still wonder what would have happen if Nicole and I had started dating that night, where would I be today?