Lingering Price

Struggling with guilt and fear a young man comes face to face with the devil on holy ground...

A man sits inside a church sanctuary, in the front row of the church, the lights are dim and the man is tense, and skittish. Quickly glancing around as if someone is stalking him, he suddenly notices a figure out of the corner of his eye. A man dressed in a black suit, with a bright red tie steps forward from around the rows behind in the church. “My, my, my… you are quite jumpy today, aren’t you?” The man looks up in fear as the man dressed in the suit takes a seat on the stage across from him. “What are you doing here? You can’t even be in here!” The man leans back looking up at the ceiling, as he does he bellows a loud obnoxious laugh, before quickly coming back down face to the face with the man sitting across from him. “Well, apparently you’re wrong, because here I am!” The suited man throws his hands in the air, as if it to say SURPRISE!

The suited man rises from sitting on the stage and comes and sits right next to the man in the church row. “But this isn’t about me, no, no, no, it’s about you! Tell me what’s on your mind?” The man begins to the tense up as the suited man takes a seat next to him. An expression of fear and anger comes over the mans face as he quickly rises from his seat and turns and faces the suited man. “You know what…” The suited man chuckles and gets up from his seat. “You’re right, I do. BUT I reeeaaallly what to hear you say it!” The man looks down at the ground, still in fear and anger, but now an expression of failure, and embarrassment are added to his overall presence. “I’ve done things…” The suited man nods his head in agreement. “Yes, and what have you done. Be specific.” An evil grin comes over the suited mans face, as he waits for a response. The man begins to pace, back and forth, and back and forth for a few moments before answering. “I’ve killed people… innocent people…”

The suited man claps his hands quickly in excitement. “GOOD!!! Now we’re getting somewhere, and why did you kill these… Innocent people?” The man’s knees begin to shake, as he barely maintains his stance. “Orders… it was orders.” The suited man nods in agreement with a smirk on his face. “Yes, exactly! You were given orders and you followed them like the good little boy that you are!” The suited man continues to smirk and begins walking around the man. The man stops in his tracks and quickly spins around to face the suited man, yelling at the suited man, “IT WASN’T RIGHT! NONE OF IT WAS RIGHT!” The suited man laughs in response, and shakes his head. “Well guess what!” The Suited man suddenly goes from one position to another, getting right in the mans face. “You did what you were told, who cares whether it was right or wrong, you did what you ere told, you collected your paycheck, and live to party to another day!” The man steps back, startled by the sudden closeness of the suited man, the man trips as he steps back and lands on the floor. The man sits for a moment in a stunned state before responding, “No… no I should have stuck to my morals, my beliefs. I should have stood up and fought back!” 

The man sits for a moment on the floor, and begins to get up as the suited man responds, “But you didn’t, and it’s over now. Nothing you can do, and guess what?… you have a taste for it now. You could do it again, you could end others lives again, no problem at all. This will help you, it will help you become peaceful…” The man stands up straight and faces the suited man. “No… never… never again.” The suited man laughs and leaps onto the stage of the church. “REALLY! You think you can escape it that easily!” The man stops looking at the ground, and looks at the suited man on the stage. Just beyond the suited man, up against the wall is a cross, lit up, glowing on the wall. The man stared for a moment, entering into silence as the suited man continues to mock, and tempt him, he can hear a voice… “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” The man suddenly stopped shaking in fear, as the voice he heard brings warmth to his body, and a unique comfort. The suited man realizes that the man has suddenly changed, as if a switch was flipped. The suited man begins to walk down the stairs of the stage towards the man. “You’re nothing, but pitiful. You don’t belong here, you don’t mean anything to anyone. You’re just another face on the street that people laugh and mock at.” The man stands firm as if ignoring the suited man altogether. The man focuses on the voice he can hear. “I love you so much, all you have to do is believe, and you will not perish!” The suited man begins to become concerned and steps up to the man, placing one hand on each shoulder trying to get his attention. “Don’t listen to the voice in your head! I’m here the voices are just in y our head, they mean nothing!” The suited mans attitude completely changes as he becomes very concerned. The man looks up from the ground, and looks right in the suited mans face. “I submit myself before God, and His works. You have no power over me Satan, you’re not welcome here.” 

The suited man cringes as he steps back from the man as if he was stabbed. “You really think that has any affect on me at all?” The man takes a step forward getting in the suited mans face one more. “GET OUT NOW! YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE! OR IN MY LIFE!” The suited man dropped to his knees in pain. “No… no… remember everything you have done, all the choices you have made!” The man takes a step back and smiles, a smile of peace. “I AM FORGIVEN! I AM SET FREE! I CAN BECOME SOMEONE NEW! NOW LEAVE NOW!” The suited man screams in agony as he begins to fade away, suddenly the suited man was gone. The man stands for a moment in silence, before looking at the cross before him. He steps forward towards the alter, and gets down on his knees and prays…

Reviews

[Meeks]

Some honest critique, not meant to put you down but help you. I know not all authors enjoy critique, but I give it and I expect it.

The man... the suited man... the man... the suited man... - ow my head. Call them something different. The hero is maybe a soldier or a policeman, you can call him by his profession, or just give him a name. Maybe have the Devil call him by his name, which introduces it so that you can use it to narrate.
And the suited man is a bit long too, and I can see that calling him "the devil" doesn't fit. I tried to write this type of story once, except a bit longer, and I just called the devil "Lucy", short for Lucifer. But then you have to make him a female...

Antagonist creation is a bit lacking. I'm actually in the middle of creating a lesson on this, you can find it at: http://www.writerscafe.org/courses/10-ways-to-make-loathsome-bad-guys./7719/ . I think your might be the arrogant antagonist, or you might at least focus on that.

And realism. While I do understand that throwing away the devil is a beautiful and good thing, it doesn't happen within moments. According to catholic faith (I'm not sure what you are, but most people are catholic), the devil will not get overthrown until the last day. Have Lucifer walk out instead of melting into nothingness.

The caps problem. While I understand the portrayal the policeguy is screaming, it really detracts from the piece. Try using simply a exclamation mark at end, followed by a strong, definative speaking verb. Ex. "Hey!" he screamed.

And there's some confusion with who exactly is speaking some of these lines. The general rule of thumb is just to create a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. And then somehow reference the speaker after he finishes talking, so as to pinpoint it.

Some more internal monologue in the middle about how he thinks he's a horrible person for shooting could help.

Overall, this has lot of potential. Keep writing stuff, anything, everything. You're writing style is similar to what mine used to be, and combined with the fact that I tried this topic before... well. I don't know what more to say.

[Travis Kunze]

Hey! Thank you very much for your input! I really appreciate it! This is one of the first things I've ever written, it was actually a script for a short film that got converted into this for release as a short story. I will definitely keep those things in mind for my next story that I am actually working on finishing to publish today. Very helpful, appreciate the critique!

[Nadia_2]

Great read, well done! :)

[Travis Kunze]

Thank you! I appreciate the compliment!