Matt

CHAPTER 5

MATT

         I’m really surprised Harper has been having anxiety attacks for the last few weeks and never told me. I don’t want to make her feel bad for not coming to me, but she’s never kept something that big from me. I understand I guess. She’s going through so much. Sometimes I don’t even know what to say or how to keep supporting her and being there emotionally these last few weeks.

Nothing I can think to say seems like it will ever be enough at this point. I will never really feel what she’s feeling or completely understand. All I can do right now, even if it’s not through what I say, is show Harper I’m always here for her. I will always continue to listen when she needs to talk or just vent, and I will be the one she can count on to get her through the hard times. I think she knows all of this, but I also know with me leaving, it’s not any easier on Harper.

In a way Harper is right. My whole life, or what I have been working toward, is waiting in New York City. Is everything as important as it seems when those you love and care about are struggling and unhappy though? Is there ever a right answer to that? I had set up everything in New York before everything had fallen apart here at home. I know unexpected things come up, and people can be more understanding than we may think. I just don’t know if any of this would allow me to just push back what I have created in New York already.

Harper made me promise not push everything back that I have planned and in place waiting for me. I know she doesn’t want to feel responsible for me missing out on anything or feel like I’d resent her later, which I definitely wouldn’t. I agreed to make the move as I had planned, but something felt very unsettling about the whole thing. It’s certainly not how I thought I’d be feeling right now. This had been built up to be one of the greatest turning points of my life so far, but something was suddenly feeling very unsettling about all of it.

Harper told me yesterday she had been to see a psychologist a few days ago. I was worried she would let the attacks continue to go on without going to see someone. I know it may be temporary, but she needed some help outside her family or myself. I’m glad I didn’t have to be the one to tell her that, since she seems to have realized it on her own. It takes a lot of courage to admit you’re struggling with something and to get help. I know that right now more than Harper might realize.

I look at Harper, who looks so sad and encouraging at the same time. She looks encouraging, because I know she doesn’t want me to give up on everything I have planned, but deep down I know she’s just a mess on the inside. She knows I would actually leave everything in New York and stay with her, but I won’t do that. If I go, she won’t feel bad about me missing out on anything. Over time, it will get better, but it will never completely be okay.

As I hug Harper, I say, “Okay, Harp. I will go to New York as planned, but it’s only because I know you will think later down the road that I would regret it, even though that’s not the case. I don’t want you to feel responsible for me staying, and I know that what you would think if I did. Am I right?” I smile at her a little, and she knows I’m being serious and a little sarcastic.

Harper rolls her eyes a little and pulls away from me. “Jeez, Matt! Are you trying to make me feel worse? Okay, okay, as great as it would be to have you stay here with me, yeah, I’d probably feel responsible later for you missing out on your lifelong hopes and dreams,” she says with a bit of sarcasm herself. That’s one of my favorite things of her personality. This is the worst time of Harper’s entire life, but she still managing to put on a brave face, well the best she can, and be a little sarcastic to try to remain sane.

“I’m going to go back in, try to get some sleep for once, and prepare myself for my appointment in the morning. Thanks for all your support, Matt,” Harper says with all her heart. She looks up, and I know she could start crying at any minute but is trying to keep it together.

“You will always have my support, Harp. You know that. Everything will be fine tomorrow, and you will feel better after. You’re doing the right thing. Just remember that,” I say. I give her another quick hug goodnight. “Goodnight. Sleep well, okay?”

“Thanks, you too. I will call you in the morning after I’m done with the appointment,” she replies.

“Sounds good. You’ll be great. Talk to you in the morning,” I give her a smile one last time and walk away to my apartment. I hope everything really will be okay when Harper goes tomorrow. It’s not really like her to go talk to a stranger about everything happening in her life, so it could be a little scary. I look back one more time and see Harper turning around to go back inside.