Harper

CHAPTER 4

HARPER

       I stand there on the porch, trying not to be such a downer for Matt. I know how excited he is to start his new job and new life. Just because things aren’t going well for me, doesn’t mean I need to ruin the amazing things about to happen for him. He deserves everything that is about to happen, and I really believe it couldn’t be happening to a better person.

         “Okay, Harp. I think you should call it a night. It seems like today was pretty overwhelming for you. I’ll see you in the morning to take you to your aunt’s,” Matt says.

         “Yeah, you’re right. Alright, I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks for being there today.”

         “No need to thank me. I wouldn’t have missed it. You know that.” He hugs me goodbye and walks slowly down the steps and into the darkness to his nearby apartment.

         “Goodnight, Matt,” I say quietly.

         As I watch Matt walk away, I can’t help but feel bad. I should have told him what’s been going on right when it started happening. I know he’ll be disappointed when I tell him about my anxiety and how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. For some reason, every time I go to explain it, something stops me. Even though Matt knows me better than probably anyone else, it’s somehow still a little embarrassing to admit having anxiety attacks these last two weeks.

         That’s it. I need to tell him. Matt would never make me feel insecure or embarrassed for feeling a certain way. If anything, he’ll be the one to make me feel better and to remind me it’s not something that can really be helped. I’ve been through a lot, so maybe it’s understanble. I rush down the steps and run down the sidewalk.

         “Matt!” I yell.

         In the glow of the streetlight, I can see his silhouette moving a little in front of me. He stops and turns around quickly.

         “Harper? What are you doing? I just left. Are you okay?” he asks worriedly in his usual way.

         “Well, technically, no. I guess I’m not really okay. There’s something I haven’t really talked to you about, and it’s just been bothering me. I don’t like that I haven’t told you. Usually you’re the first one I talk to about everything, so I just feel bad that I didn’t come to you with this,” I try to explain.

         “It’s alright, but I gotta say you have me a little worried. What’s going on? It sounds serious. I thought the worst had already happened, Harp. Now what?”

         It makes me even more worried about admitting what’s been going on with me when Matt says this. He always reacts strongly to just about everything, but I do get why he’s worried. Although a lot has happened, if I look at the big picture, the worst is actually behind me. I’m sure he’ll feel the same way, but I know he’ll be concerned about me and probably a little hurt I never said anything sooner.

         “So, what’s up? What’s wrong?” he asks again.

         I try to explain it to him, but suddenly, I can’t catch my breath. This is how it always starts. I look up at Matt, and his eyes widen. He puts a hand on my arm.

         “Are you okay? Damn it, Harper. What’s going on with you? I’ve never seen you like this,” Matt asks, more and more worried.

         I don’t say anything for a minute, still trying to catch my breath. I look away, not wanting to see Matt’s concern. I hate when he gets upset or worries about me, just as much as he hates it. I put my hand on my chest and just try to breathe, without speaking. That will only make it worse. I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out how to handle these attacks when they come, but I haven’t figured out how to talk about it with anyone. That part is harder. Finally, my breathing starts to return to normal, and I can almost start to explain it all to Matt.

         “You scared me! You could hardly breathe, and you just act like it’s no big deal,” he says a little louder.

         “Okay, Matt. I get it. You’re worried, but let me explain. That is why I ran after you.”

         “Okay, explain then. I’d like to know what’s going on with you.” Matt sounds almost a little annoyed or mad, although I know it’s coming from a good place.

         “Okay, okay. I’ll just say it. I’ve been having anxiety attacks for the last few weeks. I’ve been embarrassed to talk about and didn’t even want to admit it, even to you. I know that’s crazy, but who wants to tell someone they are having anxiety attacks? Really. I certainly don’t, and I’ve never had anything happen like this,” I start to explain.

         “Oh no. Harper, you have to get some help. You have to go see a doctor. You’ve been through so much in the past two weeks. It’s not something you should be embarrassed about, especially with me. You know I would never think less of you because of something like that, but I’m sure it’s not easy to talk about.”

         Matt wraps his arms around me in one of his comforting hugs, letting me know, or trying to let me know, it will be okay. That’s always been his way of trying to comfort and reassure in stressful times, and it’s always helped. I rest my head against his chest and stay that way for longer than usual. Right now, it’s the only thing that feels safe and right.

         “Harp,” he says, as he slowly pulls away and looks at me. “If you want me to wait to go to New York, I will. I’ll take you to the doctor, and we’ll figure out what will help you.”

         “No, no, no,” I shake my head, trying to convince him there’s no way he can stay.

         “Why? You need support right now, and I think it’d be good for me to say and help.”

         “I appreciate that you would actually put everything you have planned on hold to do that, but there’s no way I’d be okay with you doing that. Matt, everything you’ve ever wanted is waiting in New York. You can’t just stay here,” I say, rather convincingly.