I Am About To Die

A Story by Anor

The thoughts of a suicide bomber.

I am about to die

I calmly accept this. To deny it would be deny my life's work, the sum of my accomplishments. Yet of late, I've felt a lingering doubt. But I suppose it's all to be for naught, for I can never give in to it; my time has come.

There was once a time where, perhaps, I could have chosen a different path. A branch diverging from Life which led to further life, instead of towards of Death. Of course, I have chosen the correct path. My death will not be like any other. I will exit life in a blaze, I will be at peace, I will serve my God to the greatest of my abilities, and I will become martyr in His name. Not for me will be the blazing flames of Hell in the hereafter; only the soft, succulent fruit of Eden. Only perfection.

I can see the marketplace sprawling before me. It really is an awe-inspiring sight. Hundreds of little shops are dotted around dozens of winding streets, and all these people make it veritably thrum with life. It is a testament to the strength of Man that such things can exist in this our sin-struck world.

A fitting target, to be sure. The signal I send will be blunt and clear. Keep away from us, or we shall have to hurt your people. It is only further proof of their immorality that they do not heed us. What beasts would let their own kin be slain when it could still be avoided? They deserve every bit of what is about to come to them.

I am about to die

I feel unable to grasp this entirely. I know what's going to happen. I will ascend to Paradise as the unfaithful burn in their sin. But I cannot grasp it. I fail to understand it, to SEE it in its absoluteness.

...Can I be sure of its reality? No, no, of course I can. I will be among His favoured. But- NO. I have decided my task. I will carry it out. There is no room for doubt. The outcome will be in my favour. This is all in the name of righteousness and chivalry, of morals that have long since turned to dust in this decrepit age, in this hellish pit of fire and infamy and despair and evil that we have come to call life.

Hah! As if this could pass as life! Truly, in a world like this, life is no longer worth living except as one of the few faithful. And even then, the exit of the martyr is by far preferable to any other possibility that lies open before one.

I am correct. I will do my duty, and slay the unfaithful. I can see them now, pitiful ants crawling through the streets, engaging with each other. Their life has no meaning. They are blind, poor beasts, and it is in their own interests that they must be put out of their misery, and brought forth to receive judgement. They have been evil, and all wrong must be answered with meet right. It is my duty to make this happen.

Even now in the distance, I can see some wreck of a woman. She is begging on the street. Pathetic wench, that is not the way of an honest human. It's certainly for the best tha-... Wait, what is that? Are those her children? Why do they hug her so? Can they not see the depths of depravity that she has sunk into?

Or can they? Do they, despite her failure, choose to extend their love to her? It does seem so. Am I to mock them for this? For loving their mother through all her faults? I want to hate them, hate them enough to slay them; yet all I feel for these people is pity and compassion. Good feelings towards the unfaithful.

...Why do I wish to slay any of those here? For my martyrdom? To send a clear message to the enemy? These are selfish goals. These people too can experience love, life, pain. Who am I to appoint myself above my fellow people and strip them of these base rights?

I am about to die

No... I don't want to die here. There's so much more. But it's too late. Oh God, it's too late. What can I do? I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to bring them pain. I don't want this. I don't want any of this! I need to get out of here. I need help. Please, God, help me! I don't want to do this! No! Please!

I have to defuse it, now! I can't let them activate it from afar. I will save these people. I may not be able to judge them, but I can help them. I'll save them from me. I owe them this. They've opened my eyes. There's more to life there's more to life there's more-

-WHY WON'T IT TURN OFF! Oh God, they're looking at me. They're screaming, they're running! No, no, NO! This isn't how it's supposed to be. Why doesn't anything happen like it should. Please, I only want to hel- Never mind, I have to fix this, I have to fix this. Someone will be here to stop me, I have to hurry.

I am about to die

...There's no way out of this for me. Someone will come. Someone will kill me. I'm too dangerous to be among these people now. I will die, whether at the hand of this bomb or of a man. I will die.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Oh God, why can't I just do THIS ALL OVER AGAIN!? Why aren't there any more chances? Oh God, be merciful with your servant! I only wanted to further your cause! Please, forgive me!

It won't turn off it won't turn off oh God why do they scream why won't it turn off please I don't want to -!