Crimson Snow

This is a more... depressing one.

Liquid stains the crimson snow,

Striking from fates violent, fatal blow,

The dark pines around me begin to swirl,

Cold air passing through me begins to slow,

The reddened shard of ice clammers to the ground,

As I make my last bed in the crimson cloud.

Author's Note

I just want to say, suicide is never the answer. There are so many people who are here for you.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree suicide is never the answer. Powerful words and thoughts left a lot for the reader to think about. Thank you Tiarra for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[LaCherish T.]

I didn't even know this was about suicide until you stated it in the note but dang girl! This poem is so powerful and strong, especially the last line. "As I make my last bed in the crimson cloud." That is a killer last line. This is a good poem, and I definitely agree, suicide is never the answer.

[BlakHeart]

Its a very powerful poem , though suicide is never the solution to every problem that you encounter . Life trow things at us not because it wanted us to fall down but instead they wanted you to be Avery strong person and just keep fighting

[unspokenpain]

I like it. Did a piece about suicide earlier to show their are others in the same boat. What I enjoyed most in this small piece was the fact I didn't know why this person was dying until the reddened shard came into play. It made you picture as if a shonen was fighting in the snow and lost to the fatal blow, only for the reader to find out the killer was himself. Goodjob.

[Zaliodir]

Great imagery, and lovely word choice. I really feel the resignation in the poem: "Striking from fates violent, fatal blow" especially in this line. Its as if the person knows this is how it should end.

[Nordica_17]

This is very powerful, especially the last line. That really hit me hard when I read it. Good job.

[William Liston]

This is a nice poem. The imagery is just unbelievable. It kinda reminds me of my poem "This Blade of Mine."

Personally, I agree with JayG's comment that "poetry is meant to flow from the tongue," and I also think that a consistent rhyme scheme would make this poem better, which is why I think that this poem would sound better if it were heard rather than read. (Keep in mind that I'm use to reading perfectly metered poetry with a set rhyme scheme; someone who's use to this style will have a different opinion).

As for JayG's comment that poetry is meant to "have a rhythm," I strongly disagree. Poetry is meant to sound good, but a consistent rhythm is not necessary. Free-verse poetry, for example, does not use consistent rhythm and meter, however, if it's done right, it will flow very well.

-William Liston

[Davidgeo]

Screw JayG.... he/she just wants you to write like he/she thinks is "better" writing. Conform if you want but that misses the point of what poetry should be. F*****g snowflakes.

This wasn't an all star but it's pretty good... almost very good.

Usually I don't review 'almost very good' but after reading JayG's clown fascist critique I felt compelled.

What a dic.... and yes, it's true, it takes one to know one.

[JayG]

If you're going to rhyme, you should rhyme, not drop in a line here and there that rhymes. When you presented snow/blow, the reader has the expectation that you'll continue the established pattern. And when you don't...

you also need to look at prosody. Poetry is mean to flow from the tongue, when read aloud, and have a rhythm. The first line dances, but the second stumbles.

Take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less traveled. He has some wonderful things to say about the flow of language, and how that relates to poetry. And, the excerpt is free.

[=]

I do like your work. Your description on this piece has been on point. The only fault I can see is the rhyming pattern in the first four lines, it kind of ruins the flow. But as a piece in itself, it's not ruined.

Good job!