Cause of Death Unknown

My skin was caked with weeks of dirt, my hair greasy. I smelled of old food, cigarettes and sweat. I sat on the porch of a boutique store and watched them walk by. I was hungry. I felt it in the very pit of my stomach. My eyes stung to keep them open. I was so tired. Fifty years old, a full-grown man and I was dependent. I rocked back and forth. It was cold and the old worn trench coat I had on wasn't doing me any good.

 

I thought of Sarah, the girl of my dreams. Young, vibrant, creative and free. Intelligent and fresh. Always fresh, like spring. I wanted to be with her. I wondered what it would take. I sometimes wondered if I was dreaming when I was awake or awake when I was dreaming.

 

"Excuse me."

 

I looked up and squinted against the winter rays of sun. A young man of about twenty years was bent before me.

 

"Excuse me sir, you can't stay here."

 

I looked at him with his neat haircut, his boyish face determined to look fearless and manly. I saw his lips twitch, his eyes blinking too fast. He smelled like a deli. Fresh bread and coffee.

 

"Do you have a dollar for a cup of coffee?"

 

"No sir, I don't" came his reply, his hands open to emphasize. Soft, young, clean hands with gold rings.

 

I struggled to my feet. I felt like I hadn't slept in years. My body felt so worn. I gathered my plastic bags with my belongings and shuffled along the sidewalk. I walked pass the strange looks and averted eyes. It felt like I was walking through a tunnel of faces. A tunnel of facial expressions which showed disgust, pity and fear. Fear of what? I wondered as I dug through a nearby trash bin. Food...food was all I wanted right now. I was so hungry it hurt, like someone was squeezing my stomach. Just squeezing my insides into a tight knot.

 

"Mister?"

 

A little girl with straight blonde hair and rosy cheeks looked up at me with wide eyes. She had on a thick, warm red coat that made me envy her. The winter breeze blew her hair across her little face. She took one small gloved hand and tucked it behind her ear.

 

"Would you like something to eat, Mister?"

 

She held out her half-eaten burger and smiled proudly. Her parents beamed in the background. Insulted, I gave her my best toothless smile and carefully took the burger from her.

 

"Thank you ever so much, ma'am." I said humbly, for her benefit. She turned and ran back towards her parents.

 

"She didn't want any more and we didn't want to waste it." Her mother said and waved before they walked away into a crowd of people. I held the messy half burger with the mayonnaise and cheese and soggy bread. In one mouthful it was gone. Then I wanted more. More than a half burger, more than a life on the streets. Much, much more.

 

"You did your math homework?" Eric asked as he munched on an apple.

"Most of it. Mrs. Davis didn't really explain pages 182 and 183."

"Man, what do I need math for? When I finish school I want to be a psychologist. You don't need math for that."

"Eric, who are you kidding? You need math for everything, whether you like it or not. You better do your homework before next period."

"What are you going to be Sammy?" Eric asked me.

"I'm going to be a teacher man. I'm going to TEACH!"

Eric laughed and tossed the remainder of his apple into a nearby trash bin. "You're the one who needs math man, not me! So YOU better finish that homework before next period!"

 

Add laughter + tears + dreams + comfort with yourself, your surroundings, your relationships = life.

Subtract life - laughter - comfort with yourself, your surroundings, your relationships = dreams/tears.

Divide. Long division. Years of long division. Years of pain and unfulfillment.

Dreams x happiness = laughter.

Dreams x happiness x laughter = Comfort with yourself, your surroundings, your relationships.

Life.

 

"Oh cheer up!"

 

Sarah was sitting beside me on the edge of the sidewalk, her face alive. Her energy lifting my spirits. It was late at night. I rolled a joint and she laughed.

 

"Now where did you get money for that?"

 

"A friend gave it to me." I smiled. I loved her. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or awake. She smelled fresh, like apples and peaches. She wore a beautiful dress that flowed in the breeze.

 

"Don't you feel cold?"

 

"I never get cold." she replied. "It is always like a sunny day to me."

 

I laughed then held the smoke in my mouth, letting it out slowly in circles. She stood and began to dance in the deserted street, the wind blowing her dress and dark hair. Her young hips swaying.

 

"You know what Sammy? She called out to me. "I never want to let you go!"

 

"I'm always here for you baby!" I called back. I wanted to tell her I lived for her. She was my strength, my breath, my everything. I thrived on her.

 

"Hey you old drunk idiot!" a man hollered at me from across the street. "Why don't you go to Salvation Army or something! No one wants to see you on the street!"

 

I focused back on Sarah but she was gone.

 

"She was just here!" I yelled back at the man. "She was just dancing in the street!"

 

"Man, they need to lock you up somewhere."

 

"I wanted to be a teacher!" I hollered, my voice shaking. "I wanted to TEACH!"

 

The man laughed aloud and got into his parked car. All was silent after he drove off.

 

"The silent river runs deep."

"Man, what are you saying now? Here we are, in the middle of a basketball game, and you're talking about the silent river runs deep? Where did that come from?"

"Look at the girl over there, Eric." I said, pointing across the stadium at one of the cheerleaders. "Look at how she just goes with the motions, doesn't say much. Look at her eyes."

"I can't see her damn eyes from here Sammy."

"No man, I'm serious. Look at her eyes, her body movements. The girl has a lot of depth to her. She has a lot of things going on, a lot of things on her mind. I can look at her and see."

Eric squinted and observed the girl. "Yeah, you're right."

"When I teach, I'll be able to look at my students and understand them. I'll know what tools to use to open their potential. They'll learn. They'll learn so much from me. I'll be the perfect teacher."

"Hold on to that dream man, hold on to that dream."

 

"Sammy, you seem drunk as hell and you come into my store asking for another beer? I'm not giving you one! All you do is walk along the street and scare people."

 

"Henry, I don't scare anyone. Now look here, I have the money right here in my hand so you can't refuse me. What do you want? ID to prove I'm not a kid?"

 

"Okay, fine." He said, slamming a cold beer on the counter before me. "Just don't come back here okay? You're making my store look bad."

 

I grabbed the beer, popped the cap and took a gulp.

 

"Get out Sammy!" Henry yelled.

 

I stepped out of the store into the bright afternoon sun. Sarah was across the street leaning against a wall, a playful grin on her face. Mesmerized I shuffled across the street, ignoring the screeching cars, blaring horns and vulgar cursing. Sarah laughed and teasingly ducked around the corner. Slowly I followed her. She waved and ran some ways before me. Her dark hair bouncing, cute white shorts, pastel-colored top and sandals.

 

"What do you think this is? Summer?" I called out to her. I smiled at the people walking by, giving me strange and frightened looks. "She's crazy!" I laughed pointing towards her. "Isn't she crazy?"

 

A woman grabbed her child closer and rushed past me. I didn't care. Nothing mattered but Sarah. Dreams + happiness = life? My life was Sarah. That’s simply all there was to it.

 

"It IS summer, I told you!" she laughed and playfully made a face. "How're you feeling today?" 

 

"Today, like all days, I am hungry and tired."

 

I sat down in a corner between two buildings. Sarah sat beside me and cocked her head to one side as she studied me.

 

"You ARE a teacher, you know."

 

"What are you talking about? Where are my students? Where is my classroom? I'm just an old drunken nobody."

 

"The world is your classroom. The people you meet are your students."

 

I shook my head slowly. "It's too late Sarah. It's too late to make a difference."

 

"How about I make a difference in your life. I'll be the teacher and you be the student."

 

"Why don't you ever touch me, Sarah?"

 

"What?"

 

"Why don't you ever touch me? Am I too dirty? Not good enough?  You never hug me or hold my hand. You're never physically affectionate towards me."

 

"Sammy, if I touch you everything will change. I don't know if you're ready for it."

 

"Meaning?"

 

"You'll know when the times comes."

 

"Do you know Jesus?" A strong elderly voice said. I looked up and saw an older woman standing before me. She was tiny and petite with silver hair.

 

"Can't you see I'm in the middle of conversation?" I snapped at her. She slowly shook her head with arrogant pity. I returned my attention to Sarah but she was gone.

 

"Do you know Jesus?" The woman asked again.

 

"Do you know where I can find some food?" My voice was shaking again and I couldn't keep the tears from coming to my eyes. The woman gasped and fumbled around her purse.

 

"Here." She said trembling and handed me a dollar. "May God bless you."

 

I clutched that dollar and watched her walk away. A frail lady with a slight limp. I wondered if I had taught her something about being homeless by giving her a glimpse of my pain. I wondered if she saw people like me in a new perspective. Maybe she now treasures the things she forgot she had. A hot bath, a warm bed, fulfilling meals instead of handed down, half-eaten burgers...I wondered if I had taught her something about life.

 

It was getting dark, I wandered into a nearby pub with my dollar. All I wanted was a cup of water. Something pure. Something fresh. Something like Sarah. People were sitting at little wooden tables laughing and talking amidst cigarettes and beer. It had started raining outside. I looked towards the corner of the pub at the large television screen. The news or something was on. I watched it absentmindedly but then a face suddenly appeared on the screen. A face that looked very familiar.

I shuffled towards the television until I was right before it. Until I recognized the face.

 

"The very successful and popular Dr. E. Felton." The interviewer was saying. "Your book is selling like hotcakes. Who inspired you? Where did your initial success begin?"

 

Eric looked at the interviewer with a serious and thoughtful expression. "I was inspired by Samuel Johnson." he said with a smile. "Sammy was my best friend in high school and had a dream of becoming a teacher. It was his passion. Sammy taught me many of the basics of psychology that I have yet to read in books. He taught me about people, he taught me about life. He didn't realize the effect he had on me. He just kept chasing his dream of becoming a teacher, but what's funny is that he didn't seem to realize he already was one. I would definitely say that the teachings of my high school buddy Sammy is where my initial success began."

 

I stumbled out of the pub and into the rain. The rain felt pure and cleansing. I walked until I couldn't walk anymore and sat on a park bench and cried. All these years, all I had wanted was to make a difference. And I had.

 

"You know what, Sammy?" a voice said and I looked up to see Sarah standing before me in the rain. Her hair flowed lightly and my wet heavy clothes clung to my body, weighing me down. "You made a difference to more people than you think."

 

"I'm so proud of him." I said, wiping rain and tears from my face.

 

"You feel complete now, don't you?"

 

I nodded and hung my shoulders wearily. "I feel complete but I am so tired. I'm tired of being hungry, lonely and cold. I'm tired of it all."

 

I looked out at the park. The grass was sleek and wet, the trees angry and dark, the park benches empty and lonely. My clothes felt heavy, my skin heavy, my body felt like it was melting to the point of collapse.

 

Sarah reached out and brushed the wet hair from my face. I looked at her, surprised by her touch and she laughed.

 

"I guess the time came sooner than I thought." She smiled again and I cried because her touch felt like magic. It felt like freedom. It felt like home. She stroked my hair and held me in her embrace.

 

"Just come with me Sammy" She said softly. "Come with me. You will never hurt again."

 

And it was cold and rainy. And the vast, melancholy sky melted around us.

 

And it was dark.

 

And I was free.

 

And it was over.