Alone Not I

Just what it is...

 

With God the road has been bumpy, but I wouldn’t have made it over those bumps without Him. I have pulled back from Him, shut down, ran, thought I was hiding and all the time He just loved me more. There are times when I realize no person can love like that. My greatest Hero and Fan, rests in God.

 

He loves me unconditionally, holds me while I fall apart, still takes me back when I leave Him for another. Comes to find when I get lost doing my own thing. What greater Love have I know… None. Not one equates to a moment like now when He pours His spirit into my heart and floods my soul with I love you. Without money I am confident, With out touch I am felt. Without sight I am rich because I see with my heart through God’s own eyes.

 

They say God is nonexistent. They say He is my need to connect with something bigger than me. They dispute the Bible for hours. They debate what or who Jesus was and why He did what He did or if He did. I feel bad that they can’t know what I know.

 

I have learned beyond and outside of the church that God is. Am I God? Surely I am a god but He is, so that I Am. I really know Him.  I do, beyond His words given, beyond what has been backed up through sermons. I know Him in quiet moments when darkness speaks to my mind and He says let there be Light and pulls my soul from drowning in pits despair. When depression holds me down He lays with me until I can rise again.

 

I have come to know Him on days when the sun mischievously hides behind darkened clouds and the tears from Heaven douse the earth with life giving waters. I know Him when the sun stays and no rain comes and droughts come to bring famine and still I eat. I know Him and my confidence has been strengthened as His word has come to me personally.

 

His word finds me when I am alone grieving the lack of human contact and touch. His love wraps around me when I mourn the child in me that never got to live. The woman in me that has sparingly received love, has never been without it because of  Him. There are some things that can’t be taught, only experienced. As I write I know Him more. For this right here is a reminder to myself, a note to self that I can face it, whatever it is because I have so many times before.

 

There aren’t new trials just new faces placed on them. All dark places look and feel the same. Just for me I am led there to be this woman standing able to pray and intercede for others , able to answer question with Godly wisdom, encourage even through and in my own distress. It is through Him I look and appear strong. I am so weak at times, so scared, so humanly alone, so without the finances to make my ends meet but God shows me. That my darkest nights led to my brightest days.

 

I know what mathematicians and scientists try to dismantle through their theories and speculation. I know what atheist miss and what Pastors often over look. I know God in real time. I know Him beyond what can be tangibly backed up though there is evidence that proves my God is real. I know a Man, a friend, a Hope, A Promise that walked out my steps. That gives me control over my destiny but a play book and a list of rules and regulations to guide me.

 

It is the guidelines that scare non-believers. It is hard to live by but the rules are just to give us boundaries and Jesus came because He knew our humanity would get in the way and sometimes we were going to showboat, dance after the touchdown, get caught offside, use unnecessary roughness. He knew that. Yet Jesus entered the game and gave us the right of perfection in Him.  He gave us keys off the Kingdom. He gave us the right to grab peace and tell it be still and come here in the midst of a storm and the ability to sleep with no worries like Him. I can walk on water of troubles, lies, bills and when I get to conscious of my surroundings He will stretch out His arms to catch me so I don’t drown.

 

My prayer is that each of us begin to walk in a patient state of enduring. As we wait for what we know is ours to come. As we what for breakthroughs and liberations from present situation and circumstances. Patience with those we come to know and see. A praying spirit to not be anxious, worry or doubt but lift up weights and burdens, fears and concerns. I pray that each soul reading this will walk away forever changed closer to God, whether aware or not. Lord when we pray gives us what to say. Lord give us the grace to trust you more.

 

Amen. I love you all and I am praying for you always