When I Am Not

No Where to run to, Baby... No where to hide...

 

 

On mute…

I put my heart to sleep.

 Taught myself to feel in stages

And deny what was the truth of my pain.

 

Breaking down wasn’t optional.

Yet it was factual.

My actual existence was nothing more

 Than a shell of what I hoped to be.

I prayed the world couldn’t see me

Because I refused to bleed so openly.

 

But I couldn’t keep the screams silenced.

When I least expected it,

What my mind had rejected began to surface.

 

 

My broken heart spoke loudly for me to tend to it.

No more could I run from myself

And the expectations others made me captive to melted.

I was taught I wasn’t allowed to be human;

My strength determined the potency of others

So I wasn’t allowed to grieve or need anything…

 

My mind computed that I must flee…

The emotions I was entitled to were swallowed.

And in between the past and future I lost me.

 

 

 I lost what I was and who I was to be.

 Sucking up hurt like alcoholics drink booze

 I drowned in my sorrows ignored ~

And hit the snooze on my life

While running so fast in mind

 That tasks at hand kept me bound to not enough time

And I died silently

Afraid to feel the hurt in me that was so real.

 

Afraid to admit I needed help

 A voice outside myself …

 A voice other than God’s…

I needed…

Human touch and empathy.

 

 

Yet needing scared me so,

Because those I needed the most

Always left me holding sand in my hands

Being blown away by the winds of change.

And I stood afraid to cry out for fear

 That even if they heard

They would turn away

 Because no one ever came before…

 

And for all the transparency I let others see,

 They had really seen nothing

 Because I wasn’t even yet transparent to me.

Just now I am unfolding

Seeing so much more than I bargained for,

Because the wounds that I ignored didn’t fade

They remained

And now my pain is crying out

And I have no choice but to address my heart

Or die...

 

So I am still…

 

On mute…

 

I try to put my heart to sleep

But now my thoughts are listening

And they speak…

 

Even when I am not.

 

 

Reviews

[forfila]

Oh my god,,,,Choosing Life..... my dear friend, once again you have taken me by storm,,,I kid you not, I felt parts of myself in this that I haven't even felt yet.

This to me is attractive female quality, you strike me at what feels like a place where we are 100% equal

Everytime I read you, you take me to another place, and I am not just saying that.

[Emily Elizabeth]

Wow, a beautiful, ghostly poem, full of emotion and hurt... even though the feelings are raw, you have written them so eloquently it pierces the soul. This is brilliantly written and fantastically paced, and the flow of it is stunning. You have created a shinning piece of work here! This really is a beautiful outstanding poem.

[~crazy Beautiful~]

"I put my heart to sleep.
Taught myself to feel in stages"
breathtaking.
"Afraid to admit I needed help
A voice outside myself �"
these lines are amazing
the emotions are intense
My favorite lines
"So I am still� On mute� I try to put my heart to sleepBut now my thoughts are listeningAnd they speak� Even when I am not."
I enjoyed this piece very much, you should consider doing an evoca of this one, It screams to be heard.
Nice work
thank you for entering my contest
"

[Brenda Sue]

This is so touching. Beautifully written. Great job.

[Damien Dsoul]

Reading this poem, feeling through this poem, is more like reading through the details of someone's private diary. The words are very intimate: soft and yet churning with sad grief. The picture it paints is so very tragic ... and touching.