some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

A Story by calla lily

not sure if this is all of what i need to say.

2:42 AM

Dec 27^th, 2010

Mood: relieved

“Hotel California” by The Eagles

Dear you,
It started off slow. I knew I had to be your friend. So, we were. Giggling about silly things we had in common. You had a girlfriend; it didn't matter to me, really. I just wanted to be your friend. But we all know that boys and girls can't be "just friends" without something happening sometime so, of course, I began to start feeling... something. I suppose you were expecting it, you told me so. Obviously I wasn’t the only one with that feeling, so we tried it out. Oh, if I could replay anything in my life, that first kiss would probably be the one. The perfect movie kiss. The rest of the world just stops. Leaving you breathless and when your heart skips a beat and starts pounding. I now know that that’s not just a lie in Disney movies anymore. It can actually happen when you find the one person you’re destined to be with. And when I say destined, I actually believe this. I know that I’m young; I know that I haven’t lived long enough to have the wisdom of the ages, but when you have had a life like mine, you’ll understand that you need to grow up quickly and in doing that, I’ve experienced more love than most do in a lifetime. I’ve been convinced since that first kiss that I had honestly found my other half. The one man I would marry. The rest of our summer went along just fine. That silly school dance where we saw the shooting star, as if I needed another reason to fall in love with you. Then we made up kid’s names, as if we were going to grow up and get married and have kids someday. [Tai Aiden and Penelope Starr] Then, you went back to her. As if we had never happened. We were still friends, but “just friends.” No matter how many times she would tell you to stop talking to me, it wouldn’t work. We would sneak it. Passing notes in math class and texting or calling each other all the time. Then somehow, someway, I got you back. I was determined to make it work. Lots of drama later and we were laying side-by-side in a hotel room after prom. You weren’t my actual first, but you were the first that I actually wanted. I woke up completely hung-over, but I didn’t really mind. Then, of course, you went back to her. I knew when you were about to do it too. You called me and told me that you were going to talk to her. And we were done right after that “talk.” Well, after that, we tried to stay friends. A couple of weeks later, I realized I was late. So, I took a test just for precaution. I wasn’t expecting anything; it had only been my second time. But, there was that dumb second pink line staring back at me. Millions of tears later, I realized that I had to talk to you about it. You told people I was lying while I was trying everything I could do to fix it. You stopped talking to me; I stole the $500 and ran off. The horrifying noise and pain that I can remember will always haunt me. I wished that I could make you suffer the way I was. How’s that for lying? He’d be one year this February. I still don’t like talking about it to this day. It hurts too much. I see little girls with their children, and they have their supportive boyfriends, but I had to kill mine. Going through that has only made my life shorter, I’ve been much sicker since then. After that terrible summer, we went back to school. She had graduated, so it was just me and you, even though you two were still dating. So, again, we tried the “just friends” idea. Didn’t last long, after a few weeks of passing notes and joking around and flirting, we decided “friends with benefits” was a good idea even though you were still dating her. We had fun trying, really, but I think that keeping it a secret was why it was so much fun. But, people found out and told her. She was angry and forbid you to talk to me. I begged you to break up with her for me. I didn’t understand why after people found out, we still had to hide it. You told me you loved us both, and you couldn’t choose just one of us. Well, we kept it up until around December. You just stopped talking to me. When my grandpa died and I needed you, you were there, until you weren’t at all. You said some nasty things. I forgave you when you came to visit me at my house. Of course, you were just trying to hook up, but after you left, I felt empty. I had nothing anymore. You weren’t there, my grandpa wasn’t there, my mom hasn’t been here... I needed you. You knew I needed you, yet you left. So, I waited. I learned about myself while I was waiting. Then miraculously, 5 months later, you came up to me and apologized. We decided studying together would be a good idea. My dad wouldn’t let me go off campus, so we had to sit in your car. Maybe it was all the memories, or just the bet I had made that I could get you back, but I swear the sexual tension in your car was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I was planning on making you fall for me again, then I would hurt you. Hurt you like you had hurt me. Over and over. One kiss and it was over. I couldn’t remember my plan. I just wanted to kiss you forever. If it were possible to replay that kiss too, I would. It was incredible. My heart was pounding again. It was just like the beginning again, but so much was different. Everything was perfect this time. Then after a few silly times and good memories before we graduated, we decided to date. This summer was absolute bliss. We fought a lot, but that was because we really loved each other and were scared… right? I was terrified. I thought you were going to hurt me again. I want to let you know that I lied when I said I cheated on you all those times. The one time anything had happened, I kissed someone once. I cried about it right after because it wasn’t you. You once told me that you wanted to be my everything, my best friend and my boyfriend, the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and my first thought when I wake up: let me tell you right now, you’ve been my everything for four years now. And you will probably continue to be my everything as long as I live. It’s been four months since I’ve spoken to you now. You told me that we would get married someday. February 29^th, 2012, to be exact. It’s going to be a lonely day if I’m alone or with somebody else. We didn’t think it was too early. I’d be exactly eighteen and a half; you’d be twenty and a half. And we’ve been dating on and off for four years, at the time it would be six. Not that big of a deal at all. I could marry you tomorrow and be perfectly fine with the decision I’ve made. I know my world’s ending soon. I don’t have a date yet, but it’s soon enough. If we’re not together by then, I hope you can find the best girl out there for you. When someone says love, I think of you. And I think of us. I think of what we had, and what we could’ve had. I’m so sorry for what this turned out to be.

Always love,

Amber.