She Was Me

"She Was Me" is a story written about a girl who struggles with her addiction with self harm. She believes the only solution is to cut, and her sick satisfaction is the fuel to her flame every night.

The sound of an alarm fills the silent air. She bolts up in a panic and stops it, for fear her parents would hear. The adrenaline alone was enough to keep her awake. It always was. She held her breath, making sure no footsteps were heading her way. A minute passes. Then two. A soft sigh of relief escapes her lips. Nothing. She creeps her left arm across her body, reaching into her Ohio State pillow case.

Maneuvering her hand underneath her pillow, she pulls out a small white box. Another pause. Nothing. She continues to open the box revealing a small pair of golden earrings. Pretty. Removing the earrings, she places them underneath her pillow. Just in case. Underneath those earrings was a blade. One she had removed from a pencil sharpener she got from her sister a while back. She picks up the cold piece of metal, turning it over in her hands a few times before deciding on a corner.

She pulls down the waistband of the jeans she slept in, exposing her right hip bone. Pause. Her eyes dart in the direction of the closed wooden door across the room. Then back at the hand that held her weapon of choice. She’s never second guessed herself before. Why now? Her breathing grew shallow, heart racing a million miles a minute. It’s now or never. Do it. So she did.

After what seems like hours, she sits silently on her bed, a stone cold expression fills her face. She slices her hip once more before letting out a heavy sigh. Her phone lights up, illuminating the previously pitch black room. “Battery sufficiently charged” she manages to make out through tired eyes. She finds herself shifting her gaze, coming face to face with the time plastered at the top of the screen. 3:27am. Fifteen minutes. Weak. Frustrated, she bandages herself and proceeds to clean up for the night. Blade...Box...Pillow… The same routine she’s followed for months now.

She slides under her covers once again, laying on her right side. Pulling the covers up to her chin, she wraps her left arm around the pillow that held her secret. Unable to fall asleep right away, she has a staring contest with the wall that stood just a foot away from her bedside. Cold and gray. Her mind wanders back to the blade she had used just minutes before. Cold and gray. With her eyelids growing heavier with every passing second, she finally allows them to close. As she gradually fell into a deeper sleep than previously, she felt an odd sense of pride with the damage created tonight. This is me. She was thrilled to execute her plan once again tomorrow.

I wake up to the sun finding its way through my curtains. The golden rays shine directly into my eyes, forcing me to shield my face before sitting up in bed. I glance at my phone while “Hypnotized” by Set it Off plays on Spotify. 10:14am. Solid 10 hours. Nice. Reaching my arms to the ceiling, I reward myself with a massive stretch, followed by a yawn just as great. I swing my feet over the edge of my bed, nearly knocking myself over in the process. Shirt...Jeans...Shoes… The same routine I’ve followed for almost two years now.

Hair...Teeth...Hat… I continue getting myself ready for work, finishing by removing my phone from the charging cable that lived between my bed and the cold, gray wall that stood a foot away. Cold and gray. I check my phone for the time once more before making my exit. 10:14am. Fourteen minutes. Cool. I make my way towards the kitchen door, being sure to grab my keys off the table. I grab hold of the doorknob, but hesitated to turn it for a second.

My head turns towards the depths of the hallway that lead to my bedroom. A minute passes. Then two. Nothing. I shake my head in an attempt to snap out of my daze, then pull out my phone. Sober. 81 days. I smile to myself and quickly shove my phone into my back right pocket. I rush into the garage to start my car, thrilled to talk to my favourite coworkers again.

She was me.

Not anymore.

Author's Note

Any sort of feedback is greatly appreciated, just trying to improve all together :)