Cavalry

Despair cannot win

Cavalry

 

 

 

I have been beaten

 

I have been abused

 

My heart lies in a million pieces

In a million places

Broken so many times it is no more than a fine powder

Victim to the wind

Victimized

It has always been victimized

 

In my naivety I always thought -- no KNEW-- that things would improve

Knew my life would get better

Knew this darkness would end

 

But how can hope live

How can faith live

How can love live

When they are starved?

These things are our sustenance

But do they not need sustained?

 

Yes

 

They do

 

But you don’t realize it until they’re starving

Or they’ve already starved

 

I tried hard to believe

To hope

To survive

 

They say it’s always darkest before dawn

I believed them

But now I know my night is everlasting

There is no dawn for me

 

My spirit was betrayed

By my own life

And now it lies dying

And I know

There no saving it

 

Through this shroud of darkness

I always had hope

That I would be saved

Brought to the light

But I see the truth now

 

 

 

 

Ain’t no cavalry comin’

Author's Note

Sorry guys, I know I promised I wouldn't subject you to any more of my poetry, but what can I say; I'm a liar! haha
Hope you enjoy this, if not just keep in mind that it's way better than the cheesey piece of crap I ended up with on the first go round of the 'no cavalry' idea
Also, I'm not suicidal or depressed (I'm actually somewhat cheerful ^_^ ) but hopefully by the end of the poem you thought I was. A good writer can sympathize/empathize with walks of lifes that are not our own, so that when our characters are in those walks we can step into their shoes and make it seem authentic. Hopefully I did that here!
Honest opinions as always :)

Reviews

[Valette]

Hey- I love your lies!
This was a great poem =D
I really liked the different emphisis you used on the words- I think you used everything but changing the font size- bold, itallic, color!
The red color really put an emphesis on those words, and the red boldface type you used to open and close was very decisive and difinitive.
You did a great job with the cry-me-a-river theme.
(but there's lots of that to be found)
Next, try someone really young; someone full of life, guileless and exhuberant- this technique would be great to explore a variety of personas! I would love to see more of your poems, promises or no.
Great work!!

[Valette]

interesting. Not very hopeful, but amusing nonetheless.
There was one line that just didn't seem to fit the way it sits:
In my naivety I always thought -- no KNEW-- that things would improve
---It feels like this should be broken into a few more lines, with a rhythm like sobs;

In my naivete, I always thought
--- no, believed ---
KNEW
my station would improve.
But I see it now
The colorful crayon-drawing
Of a child who knows nothing.

[Shari Robinson]

A wonderful poem, I loved it from start to finish, and I really related to the imagery and the subject matter. Thank you.

[Mark]

Interesting stuff,you showed your pain and you described it with imagery. Nicely written

[Crystal Marie Dreier]

For the over all on the poem it was a nice piece. I may not agree with this, but it was really good over all. Greatwrite and hope to read more by you.

[Dani]

Here for an "in-depth" review, as promised.

I. First thing I must point is that there are quite a few words written in their incorrect forms. I read the poem aloud to myself to double check, and there are some awkward areas murdering the flow. :P May want to check that out.

II. Let's talk about the colors. Here's the thing: a lot of people think that adding colors and bolding certain words or making it pretty with **~~**~~ will enhance their poetry to some extent. I'm here to tell you that it really doesn't do you any good-- quite the contrary, actually. Why? The words you colored in red are all just diction, and the whole point of diction to begin with is for emphasis on words, so doesn't it seem a bit redundant to place emphasis on emphasis?

Think of it this way: you don't want your readers to be drawn to color. You want them to gravitate towards the meaning of the words written on the page. If the words can't stand on their own without the color, then they shouldn't really be there in the first place because they don't serve the purpose you're looking for.

III. Alrighty, so. Let’s look at the purpose for writing this poem: you’re trying to say that you’ve been beaten down through life, and that nobody is coming to save you, yes? Okay. I like the idea. I’ve seen it many times before, but it hasn’t really worn on me too much and I’m always interested to see various views on the subject. Here’s where you lost me: your poem is basically a “how to say the same thing in ten different ways” poem, where the “different ways” of saying something are all cliché and ridiculously overused by writers these days. Your heart is in a million pieces, in a million places? I hate to break it to you, but so are the hearts of 99% of the depressed writers out there, including my own. :P Your poem would be so much more powerful if you threw in a bit more originality. Don’t just use a bunch of repetitious fluff to back up one solid emotion-- that’s like trying to reach something that’s high up by standing on a pillow. Try the stepladder; it’s much more efficient.

IV. Last but not least, if you’re going to say something, then just say it! “In my naivety I thought – no knew – that things would improve. Knew my life would get better. Knew this darkness would end.” Now, honestly, if you just said “In my naivety I knew that things would improve,” any observant person would be able to assume that, because the speaker is naïve, they don’t really “know” anything. You don’t have to clarify so much on that part, because all you’re really doing is tossing in extra words that, again, aren’t necessarily needed. Work on that, yah?

V. Oh, and keep your dialect fluent throughout the piece. You kind of threw in that random southern twang in the end, but you never used it before, so why now? :P Think about it.

Now, criticizing aside, I did like this. The fact that you were able to stay centered around one subject is commendable, because more often than not I see writers drift on tangents when writing, and then all of a sudden they yank you back into the reality of the piece without so much as a word of warning :P The topic is good as well—sometimes, as depressing as it sounds, we realize we’ve been so optimistic in thinking that someone or something will come and save us from our troubles, but in reality, we’re all on our own. That’s not to say that we can’t save ourselves, but who knows. Anyway, I think that you have the potential to be a talented writer, but with a little work. I’m still growing as a writer myself—nobody can claim to be an expert, as nobody knows everything. Keep growing, keep improving, and I’m sure you’ll be one hell of a poet.

Pleasure reviewing, and sorry if this came off as harsh to you.

[Rachel]

This poem is again amazing ! The deepness of the lines and cutting words is better than most written works I've ever read. All of the tools you used helped you seem to be that person much more convincingly. This person is dying, so very painfully too. What is so wonderful is that you even sound cheerful in your review, so the contrast almost slaps you in the face. You play with our emotions very well. Maybe we should start calling you puppet master.......

[Midori]

I could tell you put your heart into this poem. I enjoyed it:) A little depressing but good.

[LizardKing]

Yeah Well i don't care if you lied i like it and even writers like David Gilmour and Roger Waters have both said they find it hard to write something overtly cheerful

[P.N.]

A despret plea, well writen .

[*[_Natasha_]*]

Brilliant! you did an excellent job with this Tj :)