Forgotten

Always remeber the one who was there during the hards times.

Forgotten

 

 

 

You’re the big man now

You’ve climbed to the top

The shows and the parties

You’re running nonstop

Enjoying this boat load of money you’ve brought in

I’m still here behind you

Or have you forgotten?

Do you remember the days

When no one believed

When you told them your plans

They clapped on their knees

The laughing, the teasing, the jokes that they got in

I believed in you

Or have you forgotten?

Sleeping in alleys

Because there was no rent

Dinner from trash cans

I remember that scent

You sat there and ate food that was surely half rotten

And I sat beside you

Or have you forgotten?

The drink and the drugs

To deal with depression

The hitting and slapping

Your abusive obsession

I withstood that treatment because I had bought in

I put up with your s**t

Or have you forgotten?

Your very first show

We were so excited

You choked on that stage

It was almost a riot

I tried to help you but instead got the backhand

Still I supported you

Or have you forgotten?

The drinks and the drugs

The parties and hookers

Gone for days at a time

Because of “show bookers”

I even put up with that tramp “niece” you brought in

I never once left you

Or have you forgotten?

You’re the big man now

You climbed to the top

The shows and the parties

You’re running nonstop

Enjoying this big pile of money you brought in

But I was there for the hard times

You must’ve forgotten

But soon times will slow down

The groupies will fade

The money will go

To the bills that need paid

And in the coldest lonely night at the end of December

I’ll be nowhere around

And then you’ll remember

Author's Note

this is my very first shot at poetry and I threw this together in like a half hour! let me know what you think!
Also I should point out that I am male but to me this just sounded better from a female's voice

Reviews

[Muse]

Some of my best work has been thrown together in less than an hour. So if this is your first poke at poetry, GREAT JOB! I'm poor at grammar but I did catch one typo:
The laughing, the teasing, the jokes that the got in
Did you mean the jokes that they got in?
To shorten the line maybe try the jokes they threw in?
Is this inspired from a personal experience? I believe I write better when writing from pain, depressing I know, but I can't write when I'm happy.

[StarSandwich]

This is awesome, It flows none stop. Reminds me a bit of a song, i like how you kept going back to the main line "Or have you forgotten?" Total win.
Your rhyming makes sense, Total Boss. xD

[Rachael]

This is really good! Especially for your first shot at poetry! I definitely got a female voice from this too!

I love the words you rhyme with forgotten, they're interesting because they're not perfect rhymes. I also like that the lines that rhyme with forgotten are longer than the others, I think it's a good stress for the poem. Also the flow is really well done!

To me, the line "Because there was no rent" would sound better if you took out a syllable, like: "Because there's no rent" or something similar.

Same with "You sat there and ate food that was surely half rotten". I think it would be better as "You sat and ate food that was surely half rotten."

I don't quite understand what you mean by the line "I withstood that treatment because I had bought in". Maybe make it clearer as to what you mean?

Also I'm not sure if I like the repeated use of "brought in" to rhyme with forgotten. It works well when you repeat the stanza from the beginning because it's almost like a ballad in the way it's trying to bring the poem back full circle but the other places you use it I think are too much.

I really like the ending too and the whole thing reads very....lyrically? (I think that's the right word) which I like a lot.

I'm pretty excited to see some more poems!

[Sweet Little Bunny]

For your first poem this is amazing! Awesoem job!

[Babieegirl]

wow, for a first poem it's pretty damn good, if i do say so myself. I kind of read this as a song, but yes. i liked this one a lot. I was beginning to relate to it in the beginning actually, until i went further down into reading, but nonetheless it was a great poem to read, i'd say it'd be one of those poems to reread actually. (=

[Celeste21]

Well I think you capture the female voice well. A gripping poem about man caught up in the fast life, who forgets who helped him get there.

[Audrey Howitt]

If this is your first stab at poetry, it is a pretty darned good one! Nice job!! And you are right, it probably works better in a female's voice!

[Balls:)]

so for this being your first shot, it's very good :)
great job tj :)

[Rachel]

orginality and emotion creep out from all directions in this piece.. if this is your first attempt at poetry you have talent ^.^ most poetry is written quickly (almost all of mine is anyways) and then the writer will usually go back and tweak it until it says exactly what it says... i think that you nailed it with poem though .. if any tweaking it will not be on content .. possibly grammar or spelling.. the rhyme scheme is wonderful as well. beautiful write, i only hope you continue writing poems and furthering your talent :D

[JanuaryDreamer♥]

wow! this was amazing :) great work!! i loved it! this is mst definitely a favorite of mine!
~gabbz

[Tate Morgan]

This is very good i see originality in you a depth of emotion lacking in most this is from life and love and true emotion you will do fine