Forgotten

Always remeber the one who was there during the hards times.

Forgotten

 

 

 

You’re the big man now

You’ve climbed to the top

The shows and the parties

You’re running nonstop

Enjoying this boat load of money you’ve brought in

I’m still here behind you

Or have you forgotten?

Do you remember the days

When no one believed

When you told them your plans

They clapped on their knees

The laughing, the teasing, the jokes that they got in

I believed in you

Or have you forgotten?

Sleeping in alleys

Because there was no rent

Dinner from trash cans

I remember that scent

You sat there and ate food that was surely half rotten

And I sat beside you

Or have you forgotten?

The drink and the drugs

To deal with depression

The hitting and slapping

Your abusive obsession

I withstood that treatment because I had bought in

I put up with your s**t

Or have you forgotten?

Your very first show

We were so excited

You choked on that stage

It was almost a riot

I tried to help you but instead got the backhand

Still I supported you

Or have you forgotten?

The drinks and the drugs

The parties and hookers

Gone for days at a time

Because of “show bookers”

I even put up with that tramp “niece” you brought in

I never once left you

Or have you forgotten?

You’re the big man now

You climbed to the top

The shows and the parties

You’re running nonstop

Enjoying this big pile of money you brought in

But I was there for the hard times

You must’ve forgotten

But soon times will slow down

The groupies will fade

The money will go

To the bills that need paid

And in the coldest lonely night at the end of December

I’ll be nowhere around

And then you’ll remember

Author's Note

this is my very first shot at poetry and I threw this together in like a half hour! let me know what you think!
Also I should point out that I am male but to me this just sounded better from a female's voice

Reviews

[Muse]

Some of my best work has been thrown together in less than an hour. So if this is your first poke at poetry, GREAT JOB! I'm poor at grammar but I did catch one typo:
The laughing, the teasing, the jokes that the got in
Did you mean the jokes that they got in?
To shorten the line maybe try the jokes they threw in?
Is this inspired from a personal experience? I believe I write better when writing from pain, depressing I know, but I can't write when I'm happy.

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Great write! Very powerful! I could see and hear and taste the sounds around the whole of this write - Well done...great rhythm too!

[Rick Puetter]

Hi Timothy,

A good first draft. First drafts, of course, need a bit of polishing, but the idea is well conceived and executed. I like coming in from the woman's perspective. That was a good idea.

So go over this. You've only spent 30 minutes. You seem to have natural talent, so imagine how the poem will sparkle with a few hours (or more) of effort.

My very best regards. High marks already. Greatly enjoyed

Rick

[Kevin Horsley]

For less than an hour you should be proud of what you have written but with some more work it could be improved upon.
It has a good flow, but staggers a little in places. When writing a poem try reading it out loud to try and gauge the pace and rhythm of it.
It will assist so much in what you can do.
One thing I did spot:
Do you remember the days
When no believed - When no one believed

Simple error that we all make.

All in all, a good write. Take the hour to write it and the next hour to re-think it. Will be more powerful in the end.

[Vanessa Rico]

Ummm...I must say for throwing something together in half hour this is pretty powerful stuff! There is no way I could throw something as good as this together...my only attempt at poetry was a prophecy I needed for one of my books and that took me days to write.
The money will go
To the bills that need paid
And in the coldest lonely night at the end of December
I’ll be nowhere around
And then you’ll remember

I love these lines...they are such a powerful reminder to this person. I do agree with you that this does sound great in a female voice! I loved this!

[Searching 4 Serenity]

Not bad for a first. Lot of promise. You can take this as a friend OR God being there for the person. All depends on how you look at it.

[Allen Smuckler]

Actually Timothy, I thought this was a pretty good write..and for a first effort, it's better than pretty good...some problems with cadence and rhyming seemed a bit forced at times...but I felt your angst and at times your imagery was quite vivid and colorful...I might add, it's ok to "throw" a piece together in 1/2 an hour, just don't make excuses for it. You might have wanted to spend another 1/2 hour making it better for you...not us.
I would like to refer you to one of my poems called "On Mt knees" and would like to know what you think...thanks
allen

[Solidad]

I hated this poem up until the last few lines. Not because it was bad or technically wrong but because it reminded me of someone. It was so cinematic it was like watching my own memories being projected from someone else's mouth. It erked me. You're an amazing writer and I applaud you. You've truly mastered the art of pulling heart strings with this one. J'adore

[Mariah Jane]

This is very good! You have a great potential! Keep this up and you'll go far. I liked this one very much.

[Truman S. Booth]

Yeah, it's official. You rock.

The first few stanzas had such perfect rhythm, I was sort of upset when the meter faltered. But as I kept reading, it didn't even matter. The story grew so perfectly, the rhyme was so clever, the structure was genius, and the last part packed a real punch. AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME! And yes, like your "Damaged" story, dealing with abuse works very well from a female perspective. Splendid work.

[Kiari Sabon]

its good