A Moment of Regret

Every time I am thinking I remember the times in high school.  There are fun time and sad time.  I don’t have to worry much about money, besides going to class and study.  I told myself that I would be a good boy.  I studied hard and missed most of the fun in high school �" the party, senior prom, senior luncheon, and many more.  I bear my head to study and didn’t even think about party.  I didn’t even have a chance to go to party because my family was not rich.  I felt regret that I didn’t have money to buy new suits to go to party.  Besides studying, I missed all the parties and fun in high school.  What even made me feel more regret was about this girl, Tara Kuppersmith. 

Tara Kuppersmith had a dark hair and brown eyes.  She was shorter than I did.  She was cute and popular.  She was captain in tennis team in high school.  She was a very nice girl.  I didn’t know much about her family, but I thought her family is middle class.  I knew her since junior high, but I didn’t have a chance to talk to her due to my poor communication in English.  We had been together in a lot of class.  What a coincident?  What a surprise?  At senior year, we were in same speech class again.  This time something happened strange.  It was not like we didn’t know each other.  We knew each other for six years, but we didn’t talk much.  She often said hi to me.  This time something was different.  I was stunt at what she had done.  She said that she liked me and would like to ask me out for a movie.  I was paralysis.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was nervous and I didn’t know how to response.  All I did was a reply, a NO.  It was a NO and I couldn’t believe at what I had said.  Not only I made her feel bad, I made myself feel bad too.  I couldn’t believe I said NO.  She felt surprise and embarrass, but she never gave up her interest from me.  It took courage for her to ask me out and it made me to feel shame of myself by saying NO.  I felt so stupid because I never had the courage to tell her why I said NO.  I was thinking about my family having a problem and I didn’t know how to get to Movie Theater. 

My family often got fight back then and it was sadden me.  I hate fighting.  I wanted my family to be together and that why I tried my best to study and to be the best I could, but they were still fighting and I didn’t know why.  I got mad at myself for being helpless.  There was nothing I could do to stop the fighting between my brothers and my sisters.  They fought over new clothes and space in bedroom, who took a large bedroom and who took a smaller bedroom.  It kept going until my family was separate from each other.  It was sad to see that my brothers and sisters separated from each other.  My parents could not do anything to help either.  They were not in charge in the family.  My elder brother was in charge of the family.  I didn’t know what to do and who should I follow when they separated from each other.  I didn’t have time for love.  I was in confusing state.  I liked Tara, but I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t think I was the right person for her.  I was poor and unpopular with a family problem.  I was a Vietnamese-Chinese and she was American.  We were different in ethnic sense.  I didn’t feel that I dessert to be with her.  She dessert a better person then I did.  I had such a low self-esteem and narrow mind.  I was never wake up until I talked to Mrs. Ritter, one of my best teachers, that Tara asked me out.  She was upset that I refused to go out with her with my nonsense reasoning.  This was present and things were different than in the past.  No one really care about dating between different races or classes unless I did.  Mrs. Ritter voices sounded like thunder.  I woke up and started to chase Tara. 

It was unsuccessful.  I was shy and I didn’t know how to approach Tara.  Tara walked away when I started to say hi to her in the hallway.  Why was she doing that?  Was she getting mad at me for saying NO?  No, she wasn’t mad at me.  She probably didn’t hear my greeting.  Once time she called me at the hall when I walked to the class.  She asked how I was doing with the harmonica and did I still play them.  I told myself, Thanh, you still have a chance to tell her how you feel now or it would be too late.  I was stuck.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t have the nerve to tell her.  I wanted to say something to Tara, but my mouth was wordless.  Then, Tara said bye to me and walked off to lunch.  I didn’t even have a chance to say sorry and I like her when she walked off.  After speech classes, we hardly saw each other, not even at the hall.  That was the last time I see Tara.  I had never seen her after high school graduation.  We all went our own way.  I felt so regret for not tell her how I feel.  I felt regret for saying NO to her.  Tara gave me a few chances to tell her how I feel, but I didn’t make it.  I felt ashamed of myself.  What a jerk I was? 

Unfortunately, the story didn’t end in high school.  I remembered Tara told us on her speech in the speech class that she got accepted to Binghamton University.  What happen after I graduated from high school?  I went to Rockland Community College and transferred to Binghamton University.  I transferred to Binghamton University because of Tara.

 Binghamton University is a huge University.  It contains more than five thousand students.  Is there a chance that I will see Tara again?  The world seems so large.  Everyone lives his/her own life.  I prayed God that I would see her again and I did.  Tara was surprise to see me.  She didn’t realize that Thanh was going to Binghamton University to look for her.  I didn’t not only see Tara one time in Binghamton University, but I saw her several times in The Student Union and at the computer pod.  I was still a chicken and didn’t have a gut to approach her to tell her how I feel.  I told myself to try to tell her how I feel, but then I walked away for being nervous.  There was one time that we left The Student Union together and I opened the door for her.  I didn’t realize it was Tara.  I was surprise she was Tara and she walked besides me.  Come on Thanh Come on Thanh, now it is your chance to tell her.  She walks besides you.  Be a man and tells her how you feel rather than waiting for her to talk to you.  My heart was pounding so fast.  I couldn’t keep my heart rate.  I paced forward and left her behind.  I wasn’t a man.  I screwed up my chances to be with Tara again.  What a…?  I screwed it up. 

Being chicken and has no gut to express myself don’t get me anywhere.  I would never be able to settle for what I want if I stay as a chicken.  Being courage leaves mark while being chicken leaves nothing.