Proposal Paper

This is a paper I wrote last Semester in my writing class about something that is close to me.

It’s late now and it’s starting to get dark outside. It’s time to go to bed, but you don’t want to, you know it’s going to be another long night. Lying in bed, staring at the moon lit ceiling you listen to the wind blow outside.  Branches scratch the side of the house and animals are silenced by their slumber. You get close to closing your eyes when you feel a darkness creeping up on you.  Suddenly, falling asleep is impossible. With eyes wide open, your mind starts playing you a movie. All the times you were humiliated, called names, or made fun of flash by. They don’t know what it did to you, but you are scarred. All the friends you lost over the years pop into your mind and start tormenting you, mocking you. These are your demons telling you you’re not good enough. Years of hate and sadness built up over time consuming you in one night. You are reminded of everything that has ever hurt you. You don’t have any friends, no one close to turn to, your family doesn’t understand you, and you’re alone.  It’s yet another night when you have to face your pain on your own. You’re suffering and you don’t know why. You think it’s not fair as tears start streaming down your face. Why can’t you be happy? Why do you have to suffer through this endless torture? It’s quiet in the house but you need to find a release. You frantically open your dresser drawer and find what you need. Why do you do this? Why does this pain feel so good? Blood boils up to the surface of your skin. Finally, you can breath but the tears don’t stop. You’re tired of constantly fighting. You’re exhausted from acting like you’re ok. You’re sick of staying strong. You’re done with being a burden to everyone you love.  You’re done with being invisible to everyone else. It’s time to end all the torment for good. You will take care of this. You’re ready to make peace with yourself and the world.  Your demons tell you to do it. They tell you no one will miss you. They tell you everyone will be better off with you gone and you agree. You can’t believe the thoughts are racing through your mind. All you can think of is suicide. With tears pouring down your face, you tell yourself this is it.  This is your final goodbye.

Let me start off by introducing you into my life. I was born and raised in billings, MT until I was eight years old. I was taken away from my home, my friends, my family, and everything I knew to move 2,000 miles to Massachusetts with my dad. Because of one traumatizing event, my whole entire life changed in a second. It changed before I had time to understand what was going on. I have four siblings, two sisters who were 3 and 6 and two brothers who were 14 and my mom was still pregnant with my little brother. Some of the details of that day are blurry, but I can still remember it.  My mother had just gotten back home from picking up my sister from dance practice. It was my stepdad’s time to pick my sister up, but he refused so my mom went. To this day, I can’t forgive him for that. My sisters were all playing when my mom told my step dad that she couldn’t breath so they went outside to get some air. A happy day was demolished when I heard my step dad scream,” Tierra! Call 911!” The only thing I could think to do was to get my older brother. He called 911 and ran down the street to guide them to our house. Once a peaceful place, the atmosphere had turned into chaos. Flashing lights rounded the corner and flooded our driveway. The cops wouldn’t let my siblings and I outside to see our mom, something that I didn’t understand at the time. All I remember was bawling with my sister and our neighbor that had come over to make sure we were ok. I was scared and hurt and there was nothing I could do, no one would tell my sister and I anything that was going on. We were scared of what we didn’t know and how frantic everyone one was. I got a quick glimpse of what was going on outside and I was mortified. What were they doing to my mother? Why is her shirt ripped off? Why does she look dead? Why won’t they let me go talk to her? Why isn’t she doing anything? Little did I know that day was the last day that I got to talk to my mom. That was the last day that I would ever see my mom alive and herself. That was the day that my life changed forever. My mom went into a coma that day.

I lived with my step dad and my siblings the rest of the school year and that summer my dad came to make his yearly visit to see me. Another big change was in store for me, this time my dad came to get me. I was moving to Massachusetts with him. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to leave my siblings or my mom. I felt like I was leaving them behind and betraying my mom, but I had no choice. We packed my stuff and I started my life in an unfamiliar place with my dad and his girlfriend Maria, who is my godmother now. After a while I got used to it and made friends there. I missed Billings every day and planned to move back when I graduated high school. I would get homesick but the one thing that reminded me most of Montana was the crickets. Some people think crickets are irritating, but I’ve always found comfort in their song.  Every summer I would fly back to Billings. I’d always stay a couple weeks at my Grandma and Grandpa Eldridge’s house. Since then, it has been my place to escape.

Whether it was when I’d visit in the summers when I would come back to Montana or on the weekends now that I live here, my grandma’s house has always been a place that I love to visit.   When I was young, I never wanted to leave. Weekends were an exciting time when our mom would drop us off at grandma’s house. It’s never been the stereotypical grandma’s house where you knock, the door swings open and you walk in to a house presented with a sweet aroma of freshly baked cookies. You’re not welcomed by the sting of your cheeks getting pinched or praised by a warm, loving speech screaming to be put on a Hallmark card. No, it’s not like that at all. You’re welcomed in, you’re asked how life’s been, and everyone goes on with what they were doing. Everyone basically does his or her own thing and instantly you are comfortable. Any one who walks into this house whether they are family, friends, or complete strangers are expected to become part of the family and feel right at home.

These grandparents are my mom’s parents. I’ve always had a really good relationship with my grandparents and my mother made sure that all of us kids did. Growing up, my mom never made anyone feel unwelcome or like they didn’t belong. Me any my siblings all have different dads but we have the same mom so technically that makes us half siblings, but my mom never looked at it that way. She thought it was foolish to put a title to what we were “technically” when really we were just siblings. It didn’t matter to her. She wanted us to know that we were siblings. My mom had one brother so I have one uncle on that side of the family. He never had kids, which means we don’t have any first cousins on mom’s side. But to my mom, we did.  Whether they were second cousins, third cousins, or sixteenth cousins it didn’t matter. They were still cousins and my grandparent’s siblings were still our aunts and uncles. We even had family friends that we never knew weren’t family until we got older. There are still people in my family that my siblings and me have no clue how we’re related, but they are a part of our family and that’s all we need to know.

My sister’s and my favorite thing to do would be to walk out in the field to the farthest corner. It was our secret place to get away. When the drama of every day life started to become too much, we would leave. We were too young to have a car, so we didn’t have any place to go when we just had to get away. So, we had to find our own spot. My grandma lives on a few acres of land and has this field behind her house where the horses roam. My grandma’s house is on a hill and the field is below, so it can’t easily be walked to from the side of the house. We would walk to the corral, where it was easiest to get into the field. The horses would always be curious of what we were doing so they would stare at us with their wondering eyes. Through the corral, there is a gate that opens up to the field. A long, steep slope leads you to the same level of the field down below. Once you’re at the end, it seems as if you’re in a maze of dead brush, dirt, and waving hills. It smells like the country. Wafts of horse manure and alfalfa tickle your nose while it crunches beneath your shoes. There’s a barbed wire fence that frames the field. My sister and I would walk the edge all the way up to one corner and then continue to the left to get to our favorite space. We would know we were finally at our favorite spot when we got to the farthest left corner of the field and were able to see the house. This corner is the highest point of the field, so you can see grandma’s house, the street, and the horse corral. But at the same time, you felt so far away.

We were distant from the world it seemed. We would lay our blanket down and just sit. We wouldn’t even talk, we would just sit and let everything race through our minds until one of us broke the silence. It was our spot that no one else went to and it was mainly my spot. I was the first to find a remedy in this corner. It will always be the first spot I could escape. It will always be my get away. This spot is special to me because it was a spot that I could go to when I needed to get away and calm down and every summer when I would have to go back to Massachusetts, I would feel like I was leaving my mom all over again. I didn’t want to leave what my mom had to leave behind.

I had lived with my dad from when I was 8 until I was a freshman in High School. My dad missed Billings too and had always talked about moving back one day. When I was in the middle of my freshman year, we moved back. I had begun my life in Massachusetts. I already had my friends and Maria had become the closest thing I had to a mom. I didn’t want to leave any more, but again, I had no choice and I had to.  The last day of school before winter break was the last day I would see my friends there. We cried forever and had to accept that I was leaving. I stayed an extra few days to be with Maria and my dad drove back before me. The day came too fast and it was time for another long flight, another heartbreaking goodbye.  

Of course, I got used to being in a new home again. I started to get excited to start a new school and make new friends. I am shy so I was terrified, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but be excited.  But, this place was different than what I was used to. I had never been without friends before. I was expecting to come back to Billings and instantly have friends and a perfect life, but that isn’t always life. Reality was harsh. For once in my life I was completely alone. Every day I would walk through the halls and see all these people that could be my friend, but hardly knew I even existed. It hurt that people could be so unwelcoming. There were some people that would talk to me in class, but that was as far as it went. No one ever invited me to go to lunch or do something on the weekends. I was still trying to be positive and happy though. I didn’t want to lose myself; I had just started going here. Maybe people didn’t know I was new. Maybe I seemed unapproachable since I was so shy. I made excuses for them and for myself. I acted like everything was ok and that it was going to get better. I always had next year.

My mom had been in a coma for 9 years now, but that changed a couple weeks before my sophomore year of High School. She got sick and the doctors told us it would be best to take her off of everything that was keeping her alive.  A couple of weeks before school I had to say goodbye to my mom. This goodbye was a forever goodbye. My family and I were devastated. Those were the longest days of my life. I had to accept that she was gone and prepare for another school year in only a few weeks. I was forced to go back to school with a fake smile on my face and act like nothing happened. No one even knew what had happened and no one cared. I started hearing people talk about me. I was called names and accused of sleeping with people I didn’t even know. The one day that I had the courage to ask someone to eat lunch with them, I was told I couldn’t eat with them. These people were mean and I didn’t know why. I began to shut down. I didn’t want anyone seeing me any more and I definitely didn’t want anyone seeing me alone. I got used to being alone. I had my own routine. In class, I would sit as far away from every one as possible. At lunch, I would go outside and call my friend from Massachusetts and if she didn’t pick up, I would sit in a bathroom stall until I heard the bell ring for class. I didn’t go to any school events and I didn’t have anything to do with anyone. I just accepted the fact that no one liked me and I had no friends. I felt disgusting and ridiculous for eating in the bathroom so I decided to have some pride and eat at my locker. I didn’t feel so bad there; I wasn’t the only one doing it. I hated seeing people with their friends, so I had to distract myself. I couldn’t concentrate on my homework so I found a passion in writing and music. The music drowned out the laughter of other people and my writing let me express how I felt in another world. Day by day, I got through this year. I learned to write out my feelings. It was the one thing that I had become good at. I started wanting to go to my grandma’s house more. My dad never understood why I always wanted to be there, but my spot that I had spent so many summers at was there and it was the one place that I was able to go and talk about my mom where people understood. My siblings live at my grandparent’s house, so it was comforting to be there. My mom’s kind and welcoming heart is still present in this house. I love it because I feel closest to her here. When I was there I could pretend like I had a normal life. I was able to forget about everything else in my life.

Some couldn’t possibly understand this, but I can make sense of it. The pain had been a part of me for so long. It had been drilled into me every day for such a long time, I taught myself to become numb. I didn’t want to feel anything any more. I didn’t want to be sad, I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to be mad or jealous or even happy. I just wanted to be an empty shell and get through those four years. I wanted High School to be over, I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want people trying to talk to me who had no intention of speaking to me again. I was tired of making friends that would only talk to me in class or would stab me in the back. I had nothing for me. My mother was gone forever. I didn’t have good grades. I didn’t play soccer any more. I didn’t have friends to eat with or hangout with on the weekends. I didn’t have a relationship with my dad anymore. I wasn’t motivated to try anymore. I was drained and no one saw it. Every one was blind to my suffering, every one but me. For me, it was there every single day. Junior year was coming soon. I fell into a sadness that can’t be easily explained. Being numb wasn’t always so easy. I had my breaking points and as time passed, they became more frequent. Days felt like they lasted forever and tears started to become common. I had never cried so much in my life. I was starting to feel again and it was excruciating. The pain was unbearable and I felt weak. I couldn’t be numb. It wasn’t possible. I started to cry my way through lunches. Silent tears would stream down my face. The bell would ring and I would wait until every one was in class. Then I would walk out of the stall and make myself presentable. At night, my thoughts would haunt me. It was so quiet all the time, which made it easier for my mind to wander. It would wander to the darkest parts of me and remind me that I was nothing. I was worthless and no one cared. Every night I would cry myself to sleep. I started to put my radio on at night so it wouldn’t be so quiet. It helped and my demons weren’t so loud, but they were still there. I wanted nothing more than to be gone. I didn’t have any desire to be alive any more. I had never thought of killing myself before this time in my life. I had never felt that low and worthless before. I was tired of fighting every day and acting like my life was perfect to my family and people at school. Thoughts of disappearing weren’t scary anymore. They were comforting. I convinced myself that dying was what I wanted. I convinced myself that the pain would stop when I was gone.

I’m still here though. All they ever were were thoughts. I made it to senior year and graduated and now I’m in my first year of college. Something saved me from what was killing me. I couldn’t say exactly what it was, but I told myself that my life was important and made myself believe that there’s a reason I’m here. I got happier and one person came into my life that never walked out. That person encouraged me to be the best that I could be and pushed me to stay strong. He is part of what saved me and I could never thank him enough. I eventually made a few friends through the years and thinking of my mom helped a lot too. She was so young when her life was taken away from her for no reason. I know my mom wants me to live a long life and to be happy so I’m going to do what I can to make her proud. My life isn’t perfect and I still have depression, but I’m strong now. I’m not in such a dark place anymore that I was two years ago. I’m not so bitter towards the world now. Every day is a struggle but it’s worth it. Knowing that I have someone watching over me and that I have a reason to live is what gets me through every day.

Suicide is a serious topic that is not often talked about among people and is something that needs to be brought out into the open. But, It’s a touchy subject that many people like to avoid or forget about. Many People know little about why individuals would find suicide to be their only option, how they could make that final decision, and what leads up to it.  We want to know what we could have done, or can do, to prevent suicide.  This being said, Suicide isn’t something to take lightly. Someone’s life isn’t a joke. It’s serious and can take an innocent life. This is why I want to know what I can do to help people and to let them know that they are not alone. I understand what they are going through; I want to know how I can get that through to other people considering suicide and suffering from depression. Even though everyone goes through their own pain and suffering some time in their life and everyone has their ways of dealing with it, I want to let those who are contemplating suicide that there are other options. Being alone in a time of need and despair is the hardest thing to deal with. If suicidal people had someone to turn to, felt welcome, and could open up about their problems, maybe they wouldn’t even have these suicidal thoughts.  

Suicide is a permanent execution, which is why it’s especially traumatizing when the victim is a young person. Children, teens, and young adults have barely started their lives. It’s a time when you are trying to figure out who you are, what you like, and who you’re friends are. At this point in your life, when you are young, you are sensitive to what people say around you and what happens in your life. Besides, you have not yet developed the skills to cope with the details of life and your reactions to them. When things become too hard to handle and the pain is too much, sometimes ending your life seems like the only option. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-old Americans (save.org), accidents and homicide being the leading two (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC], 2007). Youth between the ages of 15 and 24 are more than twice as likely to commit suicide today compared to 50 years ago (world health organization). I believe this is because family values have gone down, and young people are not given the desired environments to encourage love and growth. People are too consumed in their own life, with electronics, work, and materialistic things distracting them, to see what goes on around them. Often, adults like to believe that everything is perfect and nothing would ever happen to their child. It’s hard for someone to feel that they have someone there for him or her when they grow up detached from the ones they love.

            The facts are terrifying. More than half of all suicides in the U.S. are completed with guns. This violent and usually irreversible route is the choice of most men. However, Dr. Valenstein notes that the most common method among women is poisoning, typically an overdose of medication, the result of which is less often lethal (health.com). Both ways are done with the intention of being gone forever, and that is the heart of the suicide tragedy. Furthermore, Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S., homicide being 15th (save.org).  About 34.7% of people who regularly think about suicide through out their life eventually make a suicide attempt (Kessler, Borges, & Walters, 1999).  This being said, people who are thinking about suicide need to be intervened before it’s too late. Although Men are nearly 4 times more likely to die by suicide than women, women attempt suicide 3 times as often as men (afsp.org). There are four completed male suicides for every female suicide (save.org).  Even though it is common, many people don’t know much about it because it isn’t easy to talk about, or come to terms with. Consider this, every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide (afsp.org). This is a heartbreaking rate that needs to be addressed.

It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million survivors in this country (save.org). Those survivors need attention as well. They need to be loved, because they, at some point, were in such a dark place that their only solution was death. They need to be reached just as much as those who have yet to attempt. No one should ever be left alone when they are in such a hard place. Their life was spared, but that doesn’t mean that the suffering is over. They get to live with what they have been through and they have to constantly relive those final, dark, moments over and over. This can be a hard thing to come to terms with, which is why they need support too.


Even though tackling this issue isn’t an easy task, it can and has to be done. Directly assessing suicide risk is problematic because most people who think about suicide won’t be open about their thoughts and will deny anything to avoid intervention and treatment. Instead of directly confronting individuals and asking them about their suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts, people need to improve their ability to see suicide risk in an individual. The best way to identify suicidal behavior in a person is to look for clues that could lead you to whether there’s a risk or not. Suicidal individuals may have certain thoughts, behaviors, or emotions that can be noticed. Individuals with depression and thoughts on suicide leave different signs to help them. We need to understand what those are and what actions to take. People should expect to see certain behaviors in an individual with suicidal proneness that differ from the behaviors you would see in an individual without suicidal thoughts. The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression. Depression is more common than AIDS, cancer, and diabetes combined (health.com). Research has shown medications and therapy to be effective in suicide prevention. 
Suicide can also be prevented through education and public awareness. People who don’t know enough about suicide and the signs of a potentially suicidal person can take different actions to learn more about it. There are websites that explain what it is, give updated facts, offer support and connections to suicide hotlines, and provide people with other people’s personal stories. People don’t have to be in the dark when it comes to suicide and suicide prevention. Rescue is possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Works Cited

 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (1995). Youth risk behavior surveillance: National College Health Risk Be- havior Survey. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Chronic Disease and Health Promotion.

Kessler, R. C., Borges, G., & Walters, M. S. (1999). Prevalence of and risk factors for lifetime suicide attempts in the national comorbidity survey. Archives of General Psychiatry, 56, 617�"626.

World Health Organization. World Health Organization, n.d. Web. 11 Dec. 2012. <http://www.who.int/  en/>.

 

"Facts and Figures." American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Dec. 2012.

 <http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=04EA1254-BD31-1FA3-C549D77E6CA6AA37>.

 

Peeples, Lynne. "15 Myths and Facts About Suicide and Depression." Health. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Dec. 2012. <http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20507781,00.html>.

 

Suicide Awareness Voices of Education. SAVE, n.d. Web. 11 Dec. 2012. <http://www.save.org/ index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1>.

 

Reviews

[Joseph M. Shea]

Wow! Babe, Losing people in hard for what ever reason. But some one who kills them self is very hard, I've had friends and love ones that I've lost that way. Why didnt he tell me he was hurting and why didn't I see it? Still to this day I don't know why.
But I still have love for those people and are apart of my life and who I'm. So I guest they still live on in some way and I'll never forget them. I'm so very happy you are out there living your life as best as you can. I hope and pray that you do well and find happyness and peace in your life. I feel very forturnet to have met you and heard some of your ideas and feeling. I'm surpise some time how a kind word can change things. Learn along time ago, how the wrong word at the wrong time can be a desaster. So I very much try to be postive and kind as I can.
I'm glad your there and look forward to reading more from you, and hear about your music too. I play and sing. Guitar and keys, Alot of my stuff on this sice are my songs.
Take care, Joe

[Tierra Starr]

Yes, it would be something incredibly hard to accept and get over. Sometimes when someone has these suicidal thoughts, they don't want to talk to anyone. They feel like they are burdening people with their problems, but they aren't. It's hard for someone feeling this way to open up to people. This is why you have to notice the signs and just let the person know that you will always be there for them. I'm sorry for your losses :( Thank you for your kind words, I am definitely getting happier :) I have someone in my life that has completely changed me and I realize now just how many people I do have in my life. Life is never as bad as it seems. I too try to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet and smile at strangers. You never know when someone is having a bad day and that one smile can change them.

[Joseph M. Shea]

Yes!You really get my blood flowing, My head rasies though my ideas and I think yes, I should show you this pice other another. I get insired by that other people are writing about and get ideas of my own or want to carry on with what they wore taking about. That's for being Hugo, I''m glad to have bunb into you and was able to read your poems. Take care Joe

[Tierra Starr]

Thank you :)

[Zap-the-awesome]

I can't pretend to have ever gone through most of this (with the exception of occasionally being picked on) but you have made it much easier to understand why someone would attempt this and the need to help them. I'm no longer in school so chances are that I will not encounter this problem with the people I know ( as my friends are mostly jovial) but at least I have a better understanding should such a situation arise. Excellent writing, by the way.

[Tierra Starr]

I am hoping that this was informative and you learned something :) I am glad that I was able to get something across! This can apply to people who are out of school too. My main focus was on suicide in young people with this paper, but suicide curses all ages my friend. It's basically just screaming at people to pay more attention, be nicer, and act on things when they are suspicious. Thank you so much! It means a lot

[char]

Wow. Start with a story, then jump right into business of why you're writing. Interesting. It's like a trap in a way, since some people do not like being preached at. I can related to the story. I got lost, I suppose. But writing helped me, it's still helping me. It's my only outlet. And those people do not know how mean they are. They are one of the reasons why I do not want to walk at graduation.

In all, I like this. It's very clear and well organized. You deserve a high score. Cheers :D

[Tierra Starr]

i wanted to start with my story to give the reader some background. To push them into my life and what I went through and then go into the business to basically answer some questions people might've had. I was trying to keep this far from preaching and more of a moving and informative piece. Writing has helped a lot of people. This essay was chance for me to voice how I feel. My teacher told me I could write a book haha It's hard for people to realize what they do and how it's affecting people until something extreme happens, like suicide. And even then, some people are still so ignorant. Be proud when you walk at graduation love :) I was terrified, but it's a "what now?" to all the people who doubted you.

Thank you for your input! :)