Corruption

Not really sure what this is or where it's going, it's not finished, just looking for feedback.

Corruption

Hold me close, tight, don't let go. Keep me safe in your arms and don't let me leave. I want to feel love and support and understanding and acceptance. I want to feel. Hold me and give me something to wake for, waking up.

Stepping out of my bed the sun is shining in my window and struggle to shield my eyes with my hands, the overpowering lights like the overpowering feeling in my mind that tells me nothing is worth it. I fall downstairs, my feet on the ground and my hand on the railing falling and standing. I muster the strength to walk down the corridor to the bathroom and open the door. I wonder why I try, then I remember you are going to be here soon. I pick up my toothbrush and with heavy arms brush my teeth, under my lips because to bare my teeth is to apply an amount of effort that I do not posses. And I look into the mirror, the deep room of reflection that reflects nothing. The mirror creating an image of lies, an image of dishonesty and hidden secrets and dread. And I spit, the water washing away the used toothpaste just like my brain washes away and rational thoughts that I might have.

It's quiet and I'm tired
It's light outside but we're lying in bed
Your holding me and I'm trying as hard as I can to blend, to be one with you and to touch you and to never let go.
When our skin touches, when I sit and I can feel you sitting next to me I feel complete, I feel like the breath is being taken from me.
I have to take a deep breath. I close my eyes and try to take it all in but I can't.
Your presence in my mind is like a galaxy, your beautiful and confusing and bright and mysterious and new and old and amazing and relaxing and exciting and more...
When you kiss me I feel a surge and I've heard people talk about love before, "you'll know it when you feel it" but what does it mean? I know now. Before I would dismiss it, love? No such thing! But when I'm with you it's something I can't explain. I'm filled with this love and I just want to be close to you and never let you go and close my eyes and hear you breath and hear your heart beat.
When I'm with you I have one side
One powerful wonderful side that I can't get enough of.
But there is another side. Another side that is telling me you don't care, that the feelings that fill me are not mutual and that if anything you want to be as far away from me as possible. And then there is the guilt and then there is the jealousy and the anger and the self doubt and sometimes I can't help that side of me and it overpowers and I think bad things, lots of bad things and then I have to clear it up and start over but I fear that one day it will before more than one side of me and it will erupt and I will loose you but I with as much power as I have will not let that happen because I need you and I need to know you love me because I doubt it far too much.

Reviews

[H.S. King]

Can't wait to see how this one turns out! Little bit of "your/you're" confusion but it's nothing that can't be easily tweaked. The description is beautiful, often laced with passion and hope but also sadness. Impressive portrayal of insecurities about love.

[matrixmark]

Love - such a confusing yet wonderful thing - When it works its great - when it doesn't, then its not so great.
To have insecurities is natural BUT when you find the right one - then, well you'll just knwo. Nobody can really explain it, it just happens.

I like this piece.

Love is definately a rollercoaster of a ride. More highs than lows though.

Mark.

[tiajam]

Thank you!

[matrixmark]

Pleasure was mine

Mark

[aj milton]

I think it is a great snapshot of the elements of first 'true' love. I can remember so many of the feelings you describe. (rather too long ago, before life jumped up and bit me)

[tiajam]

thank you, life is very much a rollercoaster.

[Dave Klier]

Hey, this is not bad. I enjoyed this, very descriptive. My only issue is the neglect of a conclusion. This feels unfinished, and as much as it may seem like that can be used as a literary element, I personally stand to believe there needs to be a proper ending in any story. You can certainly leave readers wanting more, but just kind of giving them the boot is where I find issue. All around, not a bad piece of prose.

[tiajam]

I would appreciate this review but if i could just point out that the description of this clearly states that this is an unfinished piece therefor the ending has not yet come.

[Dave Klier]

aaah yes, i see that now. Entirely my mistake I apologize! I'm newer to this site so reading those little blurbs is something I have not caught onto yet.

[tiajam]

no matter, thank you anyway.