A Spicy Surprise

A Story by Jason White

A memory bubbling forth from a dream...

This morning I woke up thinking of a moment I shared years ago with Cindy, one of my first girlfriends.

Just after noon on one beautiful summer day my then sweetheart Cindy took me to meet her uncle for the first time. Though I remember it as unusual (because we were both due to work in less than two hours), I was honored she wanted me to meet someone so important to her.

After introductions and some small talk, Cindy brought up her uncle’s reputation for making really spicy chili and how I enjoyed spicy hot foods. While continuing our conversation, Cindy’s uncle went into the kitchen of his trailer and brought out an unmarked wooden crate about the size of a large shoe box.

I should have been worried when he opened the box and I saw this tiny container a midst all the padding inside.

I should have been worried when he opened the ceramic container with every bit of the caution and care you’d expect from someone handling live explosives.

I really should have been worried when he carefully dipped the toothpick one eighth of its length into this substance and spent several seconds more than necessary shaking off the excess.

Nope, not me. I loved all things spicy. I put that toothpick in my mouth and sucked it dry. The two of them, already smiling, looked at each other and back at me. Cindy began laughing. Her uncle was grinning from ear to ear. With great bravado, I swished the flavor around in my salivating mouth... Then the burn hit.

To say it was hot would do this substance a stupendous injustice; like saying the fires of hell are nothing more than a small campfire to toast marshmallows over. Nothing could have been hotter. I could feel myself sweating, as water filled my eyes unbidden. A whole series of exclamations and curses ran through my mind.

As the heat continued to spread, so too did the realization that I had been set up.

With all the calm composure I could muster, I pretended nothing was amiss… and quickly planned. Politely declining the offers of soda pop, then water, and finally milk; I carefully wiped the water from my eyes and complimented him on his prized ingredient. Smiling, I politely asked him a few questions about it. With the exception of a little water in my eyes, they had noticed no other outward reaction from me. This they had not been expecting… And their jubilation crumbled. Cindy’s laughter changed to a disbelieving smile.

A minute or so after the conversation shifted from spicy foods, I politely reminded Cindy that we were both due at work in a little bit and that we should be going. On the way out to the car, I lightly touched her hand and smiled at her. Taking my hand in hers, she smiled. My resolve weakened. After getting into my car she stated that she knew her uncle would, at the mention of hot foods, bring out his secret ingredient as he had many times before, and asked for forgiveness. Not only had she set me up... she had also orchestrated the entire thing.

Getting in the car, with new resolve I said something like, ‘I’ll forgive you with a kiss.’ It was a very passionate kiss, my tongue purposely seeking her own. As she began melting into my arms, it hit her. I had not washed his secret ingredient down with anything. With a simple kiss, we shared more than love and forgiveness… We shared in each other’s pain. She went into hysterics, stammering out several of the exclamations and curses I had thought of earlier.

She directed me to the nearest convenience store where she proceeded to pick out a 20 oz. bottle of Coke. Smiling at her, I paid for the coke and two strawberry milks. By the time we got out to the car, she had downed half her soda… And again was stammering out a series of exclamations and curses. Apparently she had never learned that carbonated beverages makes things worse…

Smiling, I handed her a strawberry milk and told her to drink it slowly swishing it around in her mouth… Explaining, in between my own efforts to counter this spicy burning, about carbonated beverages.

I woke up fondly smiling at this memory.