The Test

An experience that I for some reason felt like documenting

I don’t really understand the health benefits of water. See, as long as I have one, maybe two cups a day, I’m fine. I feel exactly the same as when I drink three litres in a day, except on three litres, I pee way more. So to all you hydrophilics I say: have fun urinating more than twice a day.

When I had to take a pregnancy test that all changed. Well, briefly. I got myself up in the morning, and lo and behold, no period. So, after walking my sisters to school I stopped in to my local Woolworths to procure a pee stick that would tell me if I was carrying a sea monkey in my uterus.

There was a box that promised reliable, fast acting results. That’s what I needed. Yay, perfect. But then came my dilemma. See, there was a box containing one test for $8.67, and another containing three tests for $16.40. That’s one entire test free. But, I didn’t need three. I needed one.

Did I know anyone else who might appreciate a test as a gift? No, Meg. You’re 17, and the only two people you know having sex are using birth control.

Will I need the other two? No, Meg. Your boyfriend broke up with you last week, and basically you have as high a chance of having sex as a piece of penne pasta does being eaten after it was dropped in dog hair. Dark dog hair.

Maybe I’ll need them a few years down the road? No, Meg. Just be f*****g realistic. Buy the single box.

Which I did, with a heavy heart and a mind far more distressed than when I went to buy the test. Don’t they know that I don’t need more stress? So rude. I just, I love a good bargain, and that one was nearly too good to pass up.

One trip to the self-serve lane later-thank god for self-serve, right- and I was on my merry way. With a large, pink, garish box in one pocket, and a roll on deodorant in the other, I started the walking home. You’d think the test would be the more shameful item, right? Well, you’d be wrong there. Nothing shameful about as possible teen pregnancy, not when compared to a teenage girl buying her ex’s deodorant so she can ‘smell him’.

Oh yeah, I knew it. I’d become someone I never thought I’d be. Someone horrible. I was sweaty on the walk home too, so I put some on and nearly cried because of the scent. It was kind of horrible, like most products designed to mask male body odour. But, that was only fifty percent responsible for the tears. Just the left eye. The right eye, oh, that one was teary due to other reasons.

Sniffling and smelling of a boy whose mum does all their shopping for them, I walked inside, filled a large cup with water, and over the next twenty minutes I drank it.

And I kid you not, not a moment after I’d finished, I felt the urge. That pressure where I assume my bladder is. I was ready.

I don’t get it, do bladders stretch or something? How could one live like this? I remember hearing once that those Victorian era ladies always had to pee straight away because their corsets were rather constricting. I was just like one of those women, except for the part where I was about to take the test to decide if I was “Fertile Myrtle”.

I opened the box, reread the instructions- I first read them on the walk home- and unwrapped my test, before shooting off to the loo. I never say loo. I guess this experience has changed me.

In I go, la-la-la, happy happy, other than possible unwanted pregnancy and abortion scenarios playing in my head. When down go the pants, the underwear, and dear god, there it is.

Betty Blood was in town, as the girl school attending, fourteen year old version of my mother would say.

I bought this stick, opened it, and I didn’t even need it. I was so annoyed that I peed on it, which I realised later was a mistake, as I’d just helped it fulfil its destiny, to be urinated all over. And, yes, what a surprise. One line for not pregnant.

Well f**k that, I’m off to watch another fourteen episodes of Buffy and neglect to wash the dishes.

 

 

Author's Note

Any suggestions/ criticism would be very much apreciated

Reviews

[jcfrancis]

I really enjoyed this piece! I don't have a whole lot of feedback for you other than the humor is well placed and I the details you added. The dog hair, dark dog hair. The exact prices of the pregnancy tests. These are real, solid images that the reader can latch onto and feel like they are there.
My only suggestion would be to add some of that wonderful detailed humor into those last couple of paragraphs. Some of that wry humor added into the "destiny of the pee stick", a detail of one of the Buffy episodes (drop a humorous comment about Spike for the insiders, for instance) and a detail or comment about the nature of the neglected dishes.
This sounds like a piece I would hear between segments on Public Radio. It's a really wonderful little commentary and I hope you find an appreciative home for it in publication!

[Meg]

Thank you so much, that was very helpful. I can definitely see where you're coming from, adding some similar humor at the end. I'll jump right on it. Thanks again :)

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I feel your pain and anxiety. I have been there too before! But you documented it in a funny way that puts the reader at ease (in case they're going through the same hysteria!). One thing I would suggest though about bladder stretching. It is actually bladder shrinking if you need to pee more. If the bladder is stretching, so is its capacity to hold liquid.

[M.E.Lyle]

Alright, this is hilarious. You take what ordinarily could be a devastating situation and make it funny. I like your style and sense of humor. Do write more.

[Meg]

Thank you so much. I shall try

[RileyRedding]

You are a word wizard.
I can't believe I haven't read more of your work before.
You craft sentences in a unique borderline indescribable way.
There's almost a slick naivete to the narrator. Almost as if she's precocious, and childlike at the same time.
Excellent piece from an author with charisma to spare.

[Meg]

Oh my, thank you so much. I really appreciate your comments

[RileyRedding]

Post something new. I'm itching here. HAHA

[Meg]

Haha, I will! I'm sorry

[Skai Rain]

I actually love this. It is humorous and interesting. You and I have the same writing style it seems. The only criticism I would give is to add some spacing between paragraphs. Keep up the great work!

[Meg]

Ahh, yes, I meant to do that and totally forgot. Thank you so much

[Jamie]

Oh! I also would like to encourage you to write more pieces! I enjoyed this one thoroughly and would love to hear more of the stuff that is in your brain! Please join the new group I just created! It is a group where you can post anything and everything! With love,
Jamie

[Jamie]

I really liked it! I really really liked it! I loved hearing this story told from a different perspective or quite frankly, any perspective at all! I could visualize everything you said, but I'd be more descriptive about what you're thinking when you drink the water. Twenty minutes is a lot of time to go uncovered. Just a thought. Thanks for giving me an entertaining story to lighten my holiday!

[Meg]

Thank you so much. I'll have a think on it, for sure. And I'd love to join your group

[Jamie]

OK. It's called write your heart. Thanks.

[Don't just B, but B ama..]

Very well written, keeping readers in suspense, while projecting scenarios we can relate to. If fiction great writing, I can not complain. If reality I have much to then say, getting pregnant so young, and single is no game, many lives will be affected some good and some bad. Next time self check out, some condoms young lady. Great piece, thanks for sharing.

[Meg]

I'm glad it was a great read, thank you. And, as the tale concludes, not pregnant. So you needn't worry

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

I really like this piece, nicely penned.

Kaze~

[Meg]

Thank you very much

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome. :-)

[Tse]

Meg, I really enjoyed reading your story! The humours, the title and the way you knitted your words to bring out that perfect narration were all apt and well-tailored .
Just one grammatical error to point-
Second stanza, first line: 'You're boyfriend' should be 'your boyfriend'
And it's perfect!
Keep writing and would love to read more of your works! Lovely day ahead !
With love
Tsering

[Meg]

Thank you for picking up on that for me! And thank you also for the very kind words

[Tse]

You're welcome dear!

[Justin]

that was really great :) u were able to capture what a teenager goes through!!! it is a story that u can build off :)

[Meg]

Thank you very much

[Justin]

your welcome meg, u have a great start