Myself

Distracting myself 
Is not an easy task
When I am blinded
By my tears;
Hating myself
Is much simpler,
Being loved 
My greatest fear-
If I am loved,
I will surely only
Be hurt over
And over again;
It does not matter
If it is by
A stranger or parent,
Sibling or friend.
I know I will get hurt.
It is always the same
Sad, hopeless story-
I must walk away
When I cry
To a place of privacy
Where others cannot prey.
When I cry, 
I hug myself
Because I am too proud
To let others hear my sigh;
When I cry,
I rock back and forth
In vain hope to soothe 
The tears from my eyes;
I never cry out of anger
But of fear and pain and guilt-
Guilt is the most often,
Guilt is the real danger.
When I am done
Sniffling and silently
Bawling, I wonder if
My sadness was seen by anyone;
I look into the mirror
And force myself to smile;
I practice it for a moment
While wiping away a tear.
I do this well,
An expert on hiding 
My truest thoughts,
My want to wail;
Once my smile seems real
Even though it is fake,
I tell myself I cannot show
How I really feel.
I fix my face
With my lying make-up,
Dabbing at the corners
Until there is no trace
Of the tears at the skin
Below my gaze;
Even though I have cried,
I consider this a win
For I have kept 
My hurt a secret;
I am victorious 
Even though I have wept.
I cannot look the source
Of my tears in the eye
Or else they will return
And only become worse;
"I am fine," I tell myself
Even though this is a lie-
People will never understand
How strongly I hate myself.

Reviews

[Brittany DeFranco]

Don't hate yourself, and let someone love you for a change, yea you may risk getting hurt, but that's how I found my true love, I had 2 bf's in my whole life, the first was horrible and the second is my current boyfriend and is wonderful to me. We've been dating for 3 1/2 years and its just not right to let yourself cry like that, talk to someone who understands the pain as well, they can help, like me.
100/100 for a great write of letting your emotions free

[Sarah Marie]

Thanks, I appreciate your concern! I'm fine-it was a bad day and I just let my emotions take control of my hand and wrote this. Good luck with you and your boyfriend!

[Brittany DeFranco]

Thank you ^_^ good luck with finding the one you love

[Hayden Bridges]

I related. Thank you for this.