Fly On The Wall: Silicone Valley/ Trump Meeting

This is the off-camera stolen dialogue between the bombastic businessman and CA's Lattee sipping billionaires.

TRUMP: You rich a******s railed against me during the campaign and now my p***y hurts. I’ve been trying to think up creative ways of making you pay even before you were born..That’s right �" I knew you’d pull this fuckery before you even became zygotes..that’s only because I’m super smart.

Tim Cook shifts uneasily in his gilded chair and tries to play off a sweat that his brow just vomited. He steals a look at his Stocktrade app and breathes a little easier when he notices Apple stock is still intact.. No one can say the same of Boeing and Lockheed. They were the sacrificial lambs to showcase Trump’s powers before this meeting.

TRUMP: First of all, can I just tell you, Mr. Page, that Google is overly overrated and that I only use my brain to do complicated long division and perform complicated queries?

Bezos clears his throat and struggles to look at Trump in the eye. His right arm still hurts from all the twisting it got to make him come to this meeting. He glances awkwardly at Ivanka who’s staring straight ahead with a serious look in an attempt to prove that she..like her 2 brothers, deserve every right to be in this meeting of the brainiest people on the planet.

TRUMP: Bezos..you were the cuntiest to me and you won’t have any stars on Amazon by the time I’m done with you.

Not a bit startled by the blatant dig, Jeff Bezos acknowledges this claim and hangs his head seemingly in shame..but in truth..he’s not sorry. He wonders how many blows he can land on the president elect’s nose before the secret service empties their clips into his vital organs

TRUMP: Anyway, I’d like for us to begin by forming a rope line and having everyone kiss my ring…naah just fooling..but you get the gist.

After the titular ring-kissing, 3 Twin Peaks waitresses arrive with bowls of taco salad.. They’ve been hired for the day to cater the somber banquet despite Pence’s fervent disapproval.

TRUMP: Tim..what do you think of my hot daughter Ivanka? Oh right..Pence..where are we with that gay conversion therapy?

PENCE: Sir you know very well it’s still in its early stages. We talked about this already..he adds with a hint of exasperation

TRUMP: Make sure you send Tim here your first batch of capsules when you’re finally done..it needs to be under budget and on time like we discussed

Peter thiel has already tattle taled to Trump that Facebook CEO, Sheryl Sanberg is a total lightweight with a weakness for refugees and clean air. He regards her eagerly but decides against it concluding it’d be too easy…she’s already fidgeting and looks a tad flushed

TRUMP: Jeff, you know I’ll be introducing bills to target Amazon right? All those taxes you’ve been dodging are coming home to roost my friend. Tax breaks and loopholes are only reserved for Yours Truly.

BEZOS: As crimson red by now like as a teenage lobster. Hey man..what’s your deal anyway. Leave me the f**k alone!

TRUMP: Settle down Amazonboy..you’re in my house now. He waves a burly secret service guy off after the latter lurches forward with his weapon drawn and focused on Bezos.

Tesla’s CEO Elon Musk discreetly shoots Twitter boss Jack Dorsey a text imploring him for the 19,478th time to black the PEOTUS’@therealdonaldtrump out.

JACK: Not happening bro..I’m not having my family followed around or receiving death threats from his loony supporters. Musk shoots back

ELON: Jeeezus you’re a p***y.

JACK: I’m not the one in the friggin Tower of Doom..Why did you go

ELON: I told you my Board would’ve had my hide if I hadn’t shown up.

JACK: And I’m the p***y? Hey call me when you’re out. My jet’s being serviced and I just feel like eating REAL Italian tonight..you know..in Milan.

ELON: The keys are under the doormat

JACK: Aight. Give him hell

ELON: Whatever

JACK: Lol..I mean..#lol

This whole time, Kellyanne Conway has transformed into a black widow and perched herself precariously on the wall directly behind Trump. She did this specifically so she can devour any sex partners she encounters today

LARRY: So hey..how are we going to go about the innovation and R&D incentives you promised last week? There’s some capital we have tied up abroad and we could use it here for everyone’s good.

TRUMP: Oh..you took that seriously? It was just euphemism

LARRY: I don’t think euphemism means..that’s not..

TRUMP: What are you saying Larry? I’m like not smart?

Larry page recoils resignedly and goes back to tapping his foot under the table and beyond Trump’s view

The meeting is over in a little over an hour and the guests except the Valley’s reprehensible oddity, Peter Thiel, hurriedly head for the private elevators almost tripping over each other

TRUMP: I don’t like that smug f****r Larry Page..He doesn’t think I’m ..like..super smart..I can see it in his shifty beady eyes.

THIEL: Should we kill him?

TRUMP: No..I have a better idea. Have Lewandowski haunt and beat him in his sleep for the next few weeks.

THIEL: Ok. Where is he anyway. He creeps me out.

TRUMP: Transylvania- he states as-a-matter-of-factly.

THIEL: What’s he doing there? He prods..slightly alarmed.

TRUMP: Dismissably- Don’t worry about it. I need to get a dog. What do you think of Cujo?

THIEL: You mean ..like..from the movie Cujo?

TRUMP: Staring wistfully at the ceiling �" Yes..can we get him? I like him..he reminds me of myself.

THIEL: I’m definitely sure he’s dead by now sir..plus..I don’t think Stephen King likes you very much. . As a matter of fact, I’m pretty certain he despises every fiber of you. So even if by the grace of Lucifer that freak mangy dog is alive, you still couldn’t have him.

TRUMP: F**k him. Kelly..can I spank you when you transform back? What are you doing back there anyway

KELLYANNE: Staring inquisitively at her painted claws �" Can I bite you before I transform?

TRUMP: Oh.. you’re no fun.