The Affair

It all started on a Saturday evening.

Dhruv was already awake when I came to the kitchen. He was sitting in his usual place, the high chair near the counter and reading the newspaper.  We had slept late after coming back from a party. Dhruv’s best friend was getting married and we had been out celebrating it.

‘Coffee?’ I asked him as I turned on the brewer. I looked at him and he was immersed in the newspaper. It wasn’t new. I brought our coffee mugs and sat opposite to him and turned on my iPad. After 5 minutes, I noticed that he hadn’t touched his coffee. Now, that, was new.

‘Has something disastrous happened?’ I asked holding my mug midway. He didn’t respond. ‘Dhruv?’

‘Who is Raj?’ he asked without looking away from the newspaper. My stomach twisted into a knot and a deep pain ran down my spine like I was whipped. I gulped and kept the coffee mug aside. He folded the paper. His eyes brimmed with tears.

‘I… uh… I don’t know who he is’ I lied.

‘You sure do, Ananya’, he said calmly. It was more of a whisper. It was a statement. It wasn’t a question anymore. My mouth went dry. We were quiet for a while. He didn’t take his eyes away from mine, didn’t blink. I wanted to jump out of the balcony of our loft. But I couldn’t move.

‘He…’ I took a deep breath ‘He was a friend of mine’

‘Was he now?’ Dhruv exhaled sharply. I nodded, fear spreading through my body.

‘For how long?’ he interrogated.

‘Not long…’

‘And why am I not aware of this friend of yours? I thought we never kept secrets or people from each other's lives’ he asked stressing on the word friend before I could finish.

‘I don’t know him for long. He is not important. We don’t even talk anymore.’ I told him looking away. I wanted to ask him how did he find? How did he know? Did he talk to Raj? Did they meet? He got off the chair and walked to the living room. I followed him. I stood behind him looking at his back. I wanted to run to him and apologize, hug him, melt in his arms and forget everything about Raj and the stupidity of it.

‘Yesterday’ he paused and looked at me. He was crying. He knew. But how?

‘Last night, you told his name when we…Oh, God!’ he sat on the couch and held his head in his hands and pulled his hair back. Drops of tears fell on the carpet. ‘You whispered his name in my ears when you should have told my name!’ He finally looked at me and tears streamed down his cheeks. That’s when it hit me. What have I done? How am I going to explain this?

‘What?’ I whispered. I felt like he put his hand into my chest and ripped it out. I was struggling to breathe. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I wanted to have an attack. I wanted to die. Dying will make all of this much easier. I wouldn't have to answer him. I wouldn't have to see him cry. I cannot see him cry. I went closer and put my hand on his shoulder. He moved away. I sat near him and he moved farther away from me in the couch. I tried to hold his hand and he took it off like he had touched fire.

‘Please! It was a fling. I ended it. It doesn’t mean anything’ I told him. I realized I was crying too. He turned to look at me with his hand over his mouth. Eyes red and tears still streaming down his cheeks.

‘Why? What did I do to you? Is it because of me? I have given you everything. You have everything. I love you. The funniest part is that I still love you.’ he said choking on his words. How do I respond to the man who says he loves me even after knowing that I have betrayed him, even after I have uttered another man’s name when I was with him?

‘I love you too, Dhruv’ the words escaped my mouth. He laughed and nodded his head. ‘Sure!’ he said sarcastically.

‘No. I mean it’ I told him as I went closer to him hoping he would let me hold him but he did not. More than anything I desperately wanted to stop him from crying. He is the love of my life. He is the man I have built my world and future around. How do I tell him that now? How will he believe what I tell him?

‘Why?’ he asked after composing himself. ‘Give me one valid reason, why?’

‘I don’t know. I guess, I just wanted to be with someone different’ I told him and that was the truth.

‘Someone different?’ he looked confused ‘Someone different! What does that even mean, Ananya?’ He was beginning to look exasperated now. I wasn’t sure if anything I tell him would make sense. But I decided to tell him anyway. After all, he is my best friend.

‘Yes. Something different. Someone different’ I told him, shaking. It was my turn to sob now. ‘But it was a mistake, Dhruv. I love you. Please. Please, believe me’ I begged.

‘Oh! So are you BORED of me? Of all THIS?’ He threw his hand. He was angry. I knew he wanted to run his fist into the wall. But Dhruv was too sane to do something like that. So, he just stood there with his hand on his forehead.

‘No! I just… it was just stupid. I was stupid.’

‘It wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t a fling because, you drifted away from me and you ACTUALLY uttered his name’

‘Oh! For God’s sake. I was drunk’ I screamed.

‘Isn’t that sort of the point?’ He yelled back. We were quiet. For a person who never speaks her mind, when I am drunk I am just the opposite. I say the truth. I say what I feel. Dhruv always made me drink to ease me up. It was one of his ways to get into my head.

‘You had drifted away from me for the past few months. You don't kiss me as much as you used to. We didn’t talk as much as we did. I wonder if it even occurred to you but, you have stopped cuddling with me in the bed like before. You used to tell me that you could not sleep without listening to my heart beat. I thought it was stress. But now I know.’ He inhaled sharply and wiped his eyes. At that moment, I decided to tell him the truth.

‘Dhruv, we have known each other from class 7. You are my best friend and we have always been together for 16 years. We fell in love and now we are married and I am glad we ended up together. Infact, I wanted us to end up together.  But, both of us never had a chance to meet other people. We were really happy with each other. But… but… when I met Raj, it was different. It wasn’t love but…’ I sighed. I fell short of words. I didn't know how to explain this to him. That, it wasn’t love, it was just something I wanted to do because, I wanted to see how it was to be with someone who hasn’t been with me all my life.

‘It felt nice to be with someone who… I don’t know, know me? He didn’t know why the rhythm of my breath was different or couldn’t guess that I am upset from just the way I said “hello”. I liked it. I liked being with a stranger but it was nothing more than that. I didn’t love him. I don’t and I will never, Dhruv. I am sorry. I am so very sorry.’ I cried holding his leg and I felt his hand touch my head. For a minute, I thought he had forgiven me. I got up and tried to hug him.

‘No’ he moved away.

He went into our bedroom and closed the door. It didn’t seem like he had closed the door of our bedroom but he had shut himself down to me. He had shut me out of his life. When he came back he was wearing his tracks.

‘Where are you going?’ I asked him.

‘I am going for a run’ he said without looking at me and closed the door behind him. That day he ran away from me. He hasn't touched me ever since. He wouldn’t allow me to touch him, take care of him when he was ill or be a part of his life. He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I told him that I stand by what I said and that I love him. He confessed that he too loves me but he can never figure out how to forgive me. So, after 2 years, we still live in the same house, still go to the parties and we are still the couple whom everyone wants to be. But behind these closed doors, in our house, we are just two strangers who don’t know how to stop loving each other.