A Great Escape

Hurry children. There's not much time left.

***NOT FINISHED***

“Run… Quicker, Faster! There’s not much time left. We have to escape…” The wind was blowing in their faces and the leaves were being disturbed, crunching and flying in their faces, only to be blinded in a fluorescent color. It was time – they were almost there. 3 more minutes and they fail. “Almost there! Can you make it?” The boy stopped. He was tired and exhausted. Falling and stumbling over the small twigs of branches. It was quiet. The girl ran towards him. She carried him until they reached to the cabin. She laid him on a couch, and covered him with a silver blanket. The next morning he woke up to smell the hot sensation of bacon and hot tea. She slowly walked over and handed him the hot tea. “Be careful… Don’t let it spill.” The girl said. He took a little sip and got up. Only to feel relieved, he was pleased. He sat on a wooding rocking chair, with every rock, the wind hugged him. He scurried away and went back into the forest only to be led by a trail of footprints leading to the cabin. The footprints were not human like and rather animalistic type. He tried to run away but the pain in his left leg left him vulnerable. Soon, he tripped. He grabbed onto the dirt and started pulling. The girl saw him and started chasing after him. “I’m okay. This leg is in really bad shape.” The boy said. “I know… I need to get you in a hospital, quickly.” She stopped. “No! I’m fine. I just need to rest my leg for a couple of weeks. The girl had to run out to get errands. The door knocked. “Who is it!?” The boy cried. No one responded. He locked the doors and the windows. He crawled his way into the kitchen. A black figure walked past the window. Now, he’s scared. His heart is pounding out of his chest and slowly getting tired. A louder knock on the door occurred and then it stopped. He looked at the peak hole and there were no car tracks or footprints. Perhaps this was a ghost? It couldn’t be. A glass fell and the boy looked behind. The boy cried in terror and is stumbling his way to the bathroom. He slowly shut the door quietly so the intruder didn’t know he was there. He started panicking and worried what he would do. He remembered that he could slip out of the window. But it’ll be too much of a mission. He found a vent and walked through it. He heard the guys mumbling about what their plans are but couldn’t interpret it. The radiators were giving out and couldn’t hold him much longer. He slowly crawled quickly. He found himself going into the attic but a shield blocking him. One of the intruders is in the attic. He covered his mouth and started breathing slowly. Deep breath in… Deep breath out… “Where is it?” The intruder said. “There is a person who’s still here.” “So what do you want to do?” “Grab the stuff and get out of here before anyone comes home.” The boy heard them crystal clear, but he was questioning himself into what were they stealing? He started panicking and fainted. After a few hours someone rescued him. It was the girl. “You could’ve killed yourself!” She yelled. “No! There were people in the house – talking about how they had to steal something…” He got interrupted. “What are you talking about? There are no signs of someone breaking in the house.” The boy stopped trying. “Just forget it… your no help at all.” “Excuse me?!” She yelled. He slowly walked out of the cabin house and sat on the bench.

Reviews

[GoodIntentiionz]

I'm sorry, the story seems interesting, but the transition needs some TLC. One moment, it was one day, the next second it was the next day, the next the boy was outside, the next he was inside and "intruders" were in the house. I don't know, it's confusing, I'm sorry to say. Yes, it's not finished, and spend your time breaking the story up into multiple paragraphs. Then it could work. Good luck :)

[Neeeks!]

This is alright, but it does have potential. There are some things you need to fix, if you don't mind me pointing them out.

The main issue is that you have it all in one paragraph. It gets hard to read because it's easier to lose your place, so you should break it up into multiple paragraphs. When a character goes to speak, you should make that a new paragraph. Also, you have one sentence that needs to be corrected. You have "He slowly crawled quickly." which contradicts itself. If you become a bit more descriptive with what's happening, give the boy and girl a name instead of constantly using "boy," "girl," "he," and "she" it'll be a lot better.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm tearing your writing apart or something; That's not what I'm trying to do. Like I first stated, this piece has potential. There are just some things that need to be worked on. This is really good for your first piece, even if it isn't finished yet. I hope to see more of your work here.