Why He Loves Me

The cool breeze swept through the stalls, cooling down the air only just a little bit. My hair, braided to the side, fell in a sloppy mess down my right shoulder. The brown waves swayed as the wind whipped them back, dragging out more pieces of the braid so that it looked more of a mess than it already was. 

My eyes were trained on the boy in front of me. His head down in his hands, elbows on his knees. His light brown curls lay askew atop his head from where he had been running his long, rough fingers through them not two minutes ago. I stared at him for a long while, and neither of us said a word. A shuffle of footsteps outside the door caught my attention and I turned to see a few fair-goers paroosing the stalls, looking at all the horse up for display, fawning over them. A few heads turned to see us two, sitting there, and odd looks were passed among them. I turned my head away from them, not wanting to see them judge us. I squirmed a little on top of the black, plastic tack box, hoping Josh would say something. He didn't.

A few moments later, a hand that had been covering Josh's face reached out and took both of mine that were clasped together in my lap in front of me. I didn't take my eyes off of him. Maybe he was going to say something. I hoped he would, the silence between us was unnerving. It seemed like Josh felt the same way too because he lifted his head up and ran a free hand through his hair nervously over and over, and tightened his grip on my hands. 

"Please," I said to him earnestly. I needed to know what was going on, why he was so upset. Had it been something I said? He lifted his head up and looked straight into my eyes. His were a sharp blue, that cut through me, right at my chest. I drew in a jagged breath as his gaze made it impossible for me to breath. His head fell down again into the same position it was before, making him look as if he were crying. I couldn't stand it.

"Josh," I began, squirming again in my seat, "Please just, just tell me what's wrong. Please."

He looked up at me, his eyes this time not hard, like they were last time, but sad.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," he started, and paused, taking in a deep breath, "I just don't know how."

"Well can you try?" I pleaded.

Again Josh looked up at me and this time he took both of my hands into each of his. He sighed.

"You need to tell someone." He said, trying to look me in the eyes. I let my head fall down, my eyes brimming with tears. Of course he was right. We had been over this before. Why was he bringing it up now? He let go of one of my hands and used his free one to push my chin up so I'f have to look at him.

"I feel like I'm going to lose you."

"Lose me how?" I said, searching his eyes. Where was he going with this? Lose me?

"You are killing yourself. You know that right?" This time, his eyes searched mine, and I pulled away from his hand so that I wouldn't have to look at him. I settled with looking at a half-eaten bale of hay resting in a corner. "We can tell someone. We can tell my mom. She will understand." I heard him say. Then he pulled my face back to his and I could feel my eyes shining with tears that were just waiting to spill over. "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it," He said, quietly this time. 

I was taken off guard. Usually when Josh brought up my anorexia he was always pushing me to do something about it. Tell someone about it. Now he wanted to know what he could do. I lowered my head as he let go of my chin and stared at our hands. I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb, feeling his gaze on me.

"What are you thinking?" He said finally. I looked up at him, Josh, who had been through all of this with me. All of my ups and downs and rants and every time I tried to give up and he was always there. I bit my lip, trying to think of what to say. I sighed.

"All I want from you right now," I began, looking at his warm and loving face, staring into his deep blue eyes, "Is to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay."

At once he picked me up from where I was sitting across from him and wrapped me in his comforting embrace. I rested my head on his shoulder while he hugged me close to him. After a few moments, he pushed me away a bit from him and searched my eyes again, looking for something but I wasn't quite sure what.

"Everything is going to be okay," He said and hugged me close again. I felt him turn his head and felt his warm breath on my neck and heard him whisper in my ear.

"I promise." Then he kissed my cheek and never let go again.