Memories in this Old School

Memories in this old school
 
Remember the time when we first started talking?
Remember the time we started dating?
Remember the time when we had our first kiss?
Those are the time I will always miss.
 
Do you remember our first fight?
I always remember the times when you always hold me tight.
Do you remember the time you left me?
I miss the times when you call me baby.
Do you remember us standing in this school?
And now I m standing alone in this old school.
 
Why am I waiting even I know no one will show up?
Why should I fall if no one’s there to catch me and help me up?
Why should I trust you if all you tell me is a lie?
Why can’t I just move on and just say goodbye?
 
Because I still love you with all my heart,
But now my heart is broken apart.
I keep falling and I keep failing
But sooner and later,
I will realize
That I don’t need you
And I don’t want you.
 
Until then, I m still standing here in this old school,
Where we all met when were at high school.
I m still here in old school, standing alone
In the dark waiting for you to show up.

Reviews

[Katherine Hall]

Hmm....a strong premise (memories while standing in the halls of an old school) but I must say the poem is hobbled by a lot of repetitive language and heavy-handedness. Be careful of using the same words over and over again ('school', 'up', 'you' etc). This sounds like a nitpicky thing, but when a reader hears the same words over and over again (or even word-sounds "heart/apart" "fight/tight" etc.) it starts to sound like white noise and they lose their focus on the piece as a whole. Also, staging everything in question form is a little static. We are not reading to be asked questions we can't answer--we are reading because we want to experience the narrator's memories. This question barrage, along with the length of the poem, makes the reading difficult.
I do like the concept behind this poem, and I think with some revising and pruning, it can be quite good. Good luck!
~Katherine

[Cassandra D.]

"Because I still love you with all my heart,
But now my heart is broken apart.
I keep falling and I keep failing
But sooner and later,
I will realize
That I don't need you
And I don't want you."

That has to be my favorite part!!!!
I loved this poem!