N.L.G - Ch 1

The Intro

 

 

 

 

"NFL star, Malyki Alexander Johnson, seen today with pop princess and fashion model, Kira Anderson , at Tiffany’’s hovering over engagement rings and wedding bands" 1^st new caster says

 

 

 "I see wedding bells for this new glamour couple, more at 9" 2^nd news caster

 

 

I met Malyki when I was a 2^nd year pre-law student. He was the quarter back of the football team. The star athlete who was destined to make it to the big leagues can get anything he wanted with a wink or a smile. We only had two classes together Chemistry and Afro-American History. Turned out even though he was a jock he still cared about school. By mid semester he ended up becoming my lab partner in Chemistry he was arrogant, obnoxious, self centered and controlling! The whole time I felt as though he was trying to challenge me. Even in our history class some how with every answer I gave he gave the same answer but with a smug extension that only made me react which turned into a debate, which lead to an argument which ultimately lead to a lot of after class meetings with the professor.

 

By the end of that semester I was so glad for a change in classes I felt like I had been around him too much. Boy was I ever wrong! The new semester only brought him around even more it was like he had copied my whole schedule he was in all of my classes. He would smile every time I walked into the door it was too much. I was being stalked by the quarter back! My roommate Naomi (who by the way was madly in love with Malyki) would joke and say "He was put under your sarcastic, the I hate jocks spell! Now he’s madly in love with you, but secretly he loves me and he’s just using you"

 

After a few months of ignoring him as much as possible he finds me in the library and sits down. Not saying a word for at least 10 minutes he says, "I need your help."

 

"What?" I laughed, "The man with all the answers needs my help?"

 

"Yes," he said holding his head kind of low only lifting his head to see the look on my face.

 

"No!" I said, "What could I possible help you with?"

 

He kind of backed off, but said, "There’s a lot of stuff that you don’t know about me, I’m asking for your help because you’re the only one who could help." Then he walked off.

 

I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to stop him but then all I could think of is what movie that was in? I laugh for a while because of the irony of it all and then went back to studying. Before I knew it the library was closing and it was really late. I put my things away and headed back to the dorms across campus, which the shortest way back to the dorms was through the gym. I liked walking through the gym because it always lead to the field which of course had the track around it. I loved track I was the only girl who could do the cross-country in less than 10 minutes. I sat in the bleachers just thinking about how much fun high school was. Across the field I could hear one of the football players going over plays and drills then the coach came out from his office and said, "Your not suppose to be here it’s late."

 

Startled I looked back and said, "I was walking back to the dorms and just needed to sit down and take a break."

 

He smiled and said, "I’ll have Johnson walk you to the dorms, it’s to late for you to be walking by yourself across campus." then he yelled, "Johnson, bring it in" The player started back to the locker room and the coach headed back to his office and said, "Just wait here he’ll be right out"

 

I nodded as if to say ok, but I couldn’t take my thought off the track I guess I missed the competition of it. The crowds, the nerves, the competitors, school rivalries something about that old feeling made me smile.

 

"Coach said I needed to walk you to the dorms," a voice from behind said. It took me a minute to snap back and remember the voice. "I’m Malyki, which dorm are you in?" I still couldn’t turn around I was in shock for the most part. "Hello? Can you understand me?" he said. "Yes, I heard you." I replied without turning around. He laughed, "Well, well, look who’s here! Come to apologize fore being an a*s?"

 

"No, Why would I ever do that? I was just taking a short cut through the gym to get to my dorm. Which by the way I can make it by myself unlike some people I don’t need your help..." and of course I was suppose to be making a graceful exit but instead I fell off the bleachers and landed on my left arm. Needless to say I was in a cast for 6 months. By the end of that year Naomi and I had decided to move off campus. It was great 2 bedroom 2 bath and since I had to get it in my name I got the bigger bedroom and bathroom. The summer was Naomi’s down time she was all about the parties and of course the boy’s. She well she was a true "summer s**t" (her words not mine.) At the end of the summer we had planned a big back to school bash and since most of the people in our building were going to our school we had made each floor into a different theme. I loved party planning but I hated the party to many drunk people in one area. So while the party was going on I stayed in my room and studied.

 

I only came out when it was time to take a shot with Naomi or when she though she found the perfect guy for me. It was about 2:30am when she called me out again saying, "I think I’ve found your Mr. Right..." she paused and then laughed "NOW!!! then pulled me over into the kitchen and screamed "MJ!!!!!! MJ!!!!! Where are you lover boy? Oh, there you are! MJ meet Alpha, Alpha meet MJ." I looked up slowly saying "Nice to meet you, MJ." only to see Malyki. "Alpha?" he said. Naomi interrupts "Yea, Alpha, like alpha, Gama, Delta, Beta, Theta!! You know the Greek ALPHA-bet!!!!!" All I could do was nod and laugh. "I guess I never got that memo." he said with a smile. "I guess not." I sarcastically said. As I turned away I felt someone grab my had then say "Your leaving? So soon? Isn’t the host of the party supposed to greet their guests?"

 

I backed away smiled and said "Yes, how rude of me!" I made my way to the stereo pressed the power button and grabbed a Mic. and said "Sorry boy’s and girl’s, as one of the host of this back to school bash I have been rude and have not introduced myself! Hi my name is Theta. My friends all call me Alpha. It’s very nice to meet everyone and I hope your all have a wonderful time tonight....there’s more beer on the 3^rd floor but watch out for the Heineken slide!!" I looked at Malyki smirked and walked back to my room.

 

I couldn’t stop laughing it was the dumbest thing ever. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and as I was rinsing my face off I looked into the mirror and saw Malyki. I reached for my towel to dry my face thinking I was just seeing things, but no he was still there standing in the doorway of my bathroom smiling. He had this look like he was impressed with something. After a few minutes of just standing there I said, "The party is located out side of those doors." He laughed, "You either really can’t stand me or you like making a fool of yourself?" I wanted to laugh but I didn’t want him to think he was getting on my good side. I replied, "Maybe it’s both, I know one for sure the other is up in the air." I brushed passed him and sat on my bed then picked up my LSAT review notes. "Do you do anything else besides study?" He said looking at all of the books I had around my bed. "Yes," I replied sarcastically, "I plan great back to school parties!" he smiled as though he like the sarcastic remarks I was giving him. "How’s your arm? It looked like it healed nicely." Still looking at my review sheets, "Yea, looks like." "Well maybe we can help each other this next year I can teach you balance and you can help me study." I laughed and shook my head. "Look, I know we got started off kind of ruff these last few years, but I would really like it if we could maybe.....start over?" he said, he had this sincere look on his face. He looked around the room waiting for my reply. "You know I was the 1^st person who signed your cast." "Yea," I said, "The nurse told me that you stay in the hospital till you knew I was alright thanks, and you didn’t have to do that." He smiled and then walked out the door. I don’t know why but I had the feeling like I had been violated or I had missed something.

 

Senior year, my last year before I changed schools to get my law degree funny I felt like I had been waiting my whole life to get to this point and there’s nothing different. Just like the last few years Malyki was in most of my classes we managed to become really good friends at this point. He still challenged my answers and he was still arrogant and controlling but I think we came to an understanding. He was being scouted this year by the NFL which was all he could talk about which is understandable I mean he’s a jock! We spent most of our time and the library studying or at my apartment studying and sometimes I would meet him at the bleachers after practice before a big exam just to go over a few things. Most of the time we spent together we talked about sports I never really kept up with any sports I new who won most games because the of the bar I worked at. They always had these big game nights for the play offs or whatever. He would tell me about plays he was working on and things he’d do to pick up speed. I told him about my track days in high school and some of the sports I play when I was younger, he laugh at me and said, "How could you play all these sports and not be a sports fan?" All I could say was, "It never really interested me," then I asked, "How could you play so many sports and not have brain damage?" It was funny how after all that time he went from being an a*s to a.....well my best friend!

 

I started going to his games, I wouldn’t stay long because I had to study and fill out some applications to law school. I stayed long enough for either him or his friends to see that I was present just so he knew I was there. He said that he felt better knowing that I was there because he never knew where or when the scouts were in the stand and his friends would say he played better if he knew I was around. It was like they knew something I didn’t. After the games Malyki would come to my house so he could tell me about the game and pick up the review I made for that day Sometimes he would help me go through my applications and re-read my essays. Naomi would ask me every once and a while if there was something going on with us that she should know about. Because as she put’s, "He is my future baby daddy so I should be the first person to know if he’s sneaking around on me!" Her explanation of the last few years up to now got me thinking what if. But then I would just remember that I had a plan to follow and he had his, we had an understanding of our lives events. It was set in stone....on 2 different rocks! I told Malyki about Naomi’s crazy idea, I think it took him a minute get it before he started laughing. But in the back of my mind all I could think about was the long pause.

 

A few weeks later was his last game and we only had a few days before winter break. He asked me to come to the game. I said, "I always go to the games!" Being that it was his last game and he hadn't heard anything from any of the scouts I could understand why he seemed so stressed. "This is the last game of the season unless we win and go to nationals. I really would like you to be there for the whole game. Coach gave me 2 tickets right behind the bench on the 1st row so you can bring Naomi." he said.

 

I don't why but I felt nervous like there was something he wasn't telling me. Naomi was sitting at the table looking at me as if to say "Take the tickets, already!!!" "Ok then" I said. Naomi picked up her phone and started dialing numbers telling everyone that she was going to be on TV. I've only seen her get that excited before a party and after she gets her grades back.

 

The morning of the game was hectic everyone on campus was talking about how the other team was undefeated and how we lost to them 21/14 the last time we played them. I knew most people go crazy over football games but this was crazy guys with their face and body painted the school colors I felt like I was at a circus. I was on my way to meet Naomi in the cafeteria when I ran into Fred, "Hey Alpha! Where you headed?" he said while reaching to give me a hug. "I’m on my way to meet Naomi at the cafeteria. Aren’t you supposed to be at practice with the guys?" Fred was the line backer and one of Malyki’s friends on the team. "Yea I’m on my way there now. Are you and Naomi coming to watch us practice?" I started laughing because he Malyki had told me a few months ago that Fred was in love with Naomi but was too scared to say anything to her. "No, I don’t think so Naomi wants to go shopping before the game to get the "Perfect outfit." I said, "But we’ll see you before the game, right? Malyki wants us to meet him outside the looker room 2 hours before the game." He nodded and said, "Ok, tell Naomi that I said hi and I’ll see her there."

 

When I got to the cafeteria Naomi was sitting at the table in the very back of the cafeteria writing in her journal I think that is the only time I have ever saw her alone with out a crowd of guys around her. As I was walking to the table she looked up and said, "Hey girl you ready?" "Of course I am!" I replied, "But first I want to ask you something?" "Sure?" she said, "Is everything ok?" "Yea, everything is fine. I wanted to ask you about Fred?" "What about him?" she asked. "Well, he really likes you and…….." "He does!" she interrupted. "Yes, he does." I said. "How do you know?" she asked "It’s the way he looks at you and because he told Malyki." "Why hasn’t he told me?" She looked really excited to know that he was interested in her so we talked for a while and she told me how she had like him for a while but didn’t think he was interested in her. It was kind of sweet that these 2 people were destine to be together but had been too afraid to admit their feeling to each other.

 

On the way to the mall she asked me "What going on with you and Malyki?" "Nothing,"" I replied, "we are just friends. Neither one of us have really talked about anything more then that, beside he’s like a brother to me." She laughed as though she knew something that I didn’t. "Well, we have to find something good to wear for tonight, something sexy yet classy and we defiantly have to get you out of jeans and a t-shirt! You know were going to be a TV and you can’t look like you just rolled out of bed and threw something on!" We both started laughing. We went to a couple of stores and tried on what seemed to be a thousand different outfits which Naomi picked out because she was the "fashion-nista." Finally that part was over she had found what she called "The Best ESPN-FITS" in the history of the world! We were off to get the mani/petti and hair/makeup of the lifetime.

 

Growing up I was last person you would see to ever go through all of this girly stuff. It was almost time for us to meet the guys before the game as I was looking in the mirror I couldn’t get over how different I looked it was amazing kind of like a Cinderella story. Naomi walked into my room saying, "Are you ready? It’s……" she stopped, "…….about time to go." She said with a smile as though she just couldn’t believe it. "What did you say? You did this……I look horrible don’t I?" I turned back to the mirror "No!" she said "You look great! I’ll never say this ever again you look better then me and if you ever repeat that I’ll have to kill you." She laughed, "Wow! who knew it would only take a new outfit, some makeup and a little bit of me to create that." she said. All I could think about was how ridiculous I looked but she did make me feel better. The she said, "We have to go! The guys are waiting and I have to show off my creation!"

 

As we were walking up to the looker room it felt like I had butterflies in my stomach all I wanted to do is turn around and go home then comeback when I was normal again. Fred opened the door to the looker room and just stopped. He just stood there "What!" I said I already felt weird and then he said "Wow!" Naomi started laughing "I know! Right I didn’t think I would be able to pull it off but look at her!" That’s my Naomi I thought to myself. Fred had walked back into the looker room and yelled "Malyki, she’s here!" it took a minute before they came back out he smiled and then looked down, "Hey, uumm you, you look……." he paused for a minute and looked up again, "You look really good." The looker room door opened again and it seemed like the whole team was at the door "HOLY S**T! DAMN GIRL!" I felt sort of flattered but awkward. "Alright! Alright!" Malyki said, "Don’t ya’ll have something better to do?" all at once the whole group said "No, not right now" and laughed. I guess Naomi could tell that I was feeling uncomfortable and said, " How about we all go for a walk?" we all nodded and started to walk out of the gym "Bye girls!" the guys yelled in unison. Naomi looked at me and started laughing. Fred and Malyki were walking behind us we could here them whispering about something but we couldn’t really make it out. Naomi whispered to me "Are you sure he like’s me?" "Yes" I whispered back "Why don’t you talk to him that way he knows that you feel the same way and he can stop asking me about you!" we started laughing and she said "Ok, I guess it wouldn’t hurt."

 

She turned around and said, "Frederick, can we talk?" He looked stunned that she even knew his name "Yea, sure." He said as if he was in a daze. I turned around and started walking towards the bench Malyki followed. "So, Naomi finally got you I see." He said. "Yea, I felt like in a new world and I’m the funny looking one." I replied. "You don’t look funny," he smiled, "it is strange but I like it." I couldn’t stop smiling. There was this weird pause for a while "So, are you nervous? This is a big game right? And the scouts are somewhere out there? How are you feeling?" I said. He just kept looking at me for a while then said, "I feel better now, I was nervous and all jittery earlier but now I’m calm." He said with a grin, "It’s just a game right? Just like any other." I smiled not knowing what to say. I looked to see if Naomi and Fred where still talking I guess I kind of hoped they where done so that we could all talk about something to lighten up the mood or change the subject. I guess I really just wanted more people around so that there was some kind of distraction. When I looked over towards them they were kissing and hugging it was kind of romantic I started laughing and then Malyki turned around too and started laughing then said "Aww.... finally the two love birds are together." We were both laughing at that point. Then he said, "You know I’m really glad you came tonight. I don’t think I could have made it through all of this if it wasn’t for you." "Please," I said, "You would have made it with out me as stubborn and pig headed as you are and let’s not mention all of females throwing themselves at you. You would be just fine with out me." He grinned a little but didn’t say anything.

 

Before long, Naomi and Fred had walked up to the bench holding hands and smiling. Naomi sat down next to me and said, "So, how are things going over here?" Then she looked at Malyki who shook his head as if he was saying no. Then she looked at me I said, "We’re good. How about ya’ll it looked like ya’ll were having a very interesting conversation over there? We all started laughing and Fred said "We are going to see how it’s works for a while, and then we’ll go from there." I was watching him as he talked he looked at her the whole time like he had finally found the love of his life and nothing mattered after that. I looked at Malyki who was looking at me and I thought maybe? Maybe if we were under different circumstances it might work but how do I know that he even fells that way about me we’ve never really discussed it and when we did it was mostly a joke. And then I thought why am I even thinking about him like that? We are friends he’s like my brother. Why am I putting myself through this it’s not like I have time for a relationship anyway, then he is going to be going his way and I’ll be going mine. So what’s the point? I must have been in my own world for a while because the next thing I know Fred was saying that is was time to go back to the locker room. Naomi and Fred started to walk ahead of us it seemed like Malyki was walking really slowly as if he didn’t want to go back in just yet. Then he stopped I asked "What’s wrong? You are nervous aren’t you?" he just looked at me and didn’t say anything. "Are you ok?" I asked again. Still no reply it looked like he wanted to say something but he couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do he was scaring me a little bit. "Would you say something? You’re freaking me out!" Still nothing, then he walked closer to me and hugged me and said, "It’s nothing I just wanted to see if you cared" then he laughed "Asswhole! I can’t belie…….." right in the middle of me scolding him for being such a jerk he kissed me and I kissed him. Then he stopped and he just looked at me and smiled as if he did what he set out to do. Fred yelled out, "Malyki, coach is pist we’re late!" "You are staying for the whole game right?" He asked. "Yea, you asked me too didn’t you?" I replied. I was still in shock and I wanted to talk to him about what had just happened but I know that he had to go back in. He ran back to the locker room I couldn’t believe what had just happened what that was for? It felt like everything had been building up to that but it also felt like it was so wrong.

 

Naomi had came outside again and asked if everything was alright and then said that we have to get to our seats the game was going to start in 10 minutes. I didn’t want to say anything to her about it because I didn’t even know what to say. The whole first half all I could think about was the how is lips felt against mine and how he held me before the kiss and then what lead up to the kiss. My mind was going a zillion different ways, how could this happen? What's going to happen after this? They never really go any further then this in the movies. How is this going to work? Am I just going to be a fling to him? UGH! I'm just freaking myself out I told myself to just wait until the end of the game and then maybe he'll talk to me and tell me what's going on.

 

I could tell Naomi was worried every time she looked at me she gave me this nervous grin. So I said, "Hey, how you doing? Your not even scooping out the camera." I smiled at her to let her know I was ok. She asked, "Why are you do distracted? Do you want to talk? I mean Malyki has been looking up here waiving and you haven't looked at him once. Do you have something on your mind?" I couldn't say anything or I just didn't want to say anything to her until I talked to Malyki. "No," I said I was just I thinking about next semester. I told you I'm not into sports and I haven't even noticed Malyki but Fred has been looking up here a lot." I laughed. I looked down at the field and saw Malyki sitting at the bench he had is back to us. I was kind of relieved I don't think I could make eye contact with him just yet. I looked at the score board we were up by 7 and it was their ball and there was 30 seconds till half time. Naomi looked over at me and said, "They have a few minutes at the half we should go down to the looker room and meet the guys before the go in." "Ok" I said knowing I really didn't want to do that but I knew she wanted a few minutes to talk to Fred or at least to wish good luck him on the second half. As we were getting up to head for the stairs the Dave one of the student coaches ran up to the bleachers yelling my name, "Theta! Theta, wait I have something for you!" he handed me a small blue box with a red ribbon tied in a bow and a piece of paper that read:

 

"Do you like me?" Check ___yes or ___no

 

P.S. DON’T OPEN THE BOX!

 

Dave smiled and handed me a pen. "This is so stupid!" I said to Naomi. I checked yes and wrote I'll see outside the locker room dumb a*s! By the time we got to the looker room all of the guys were running in and Fred and Malyki were standing at the end of the hall with the coach laughing. Naomi was trying to get to the box she really wanted to see what was inside, but I couldn't bring myself to finding out what it was and I didn't want her to know and then tell me. The coach had finished talking to Malyki and Fred and the headed towards us I don't think I had ever been so nervous he was smiling I didn't know why maybe it was just to clam his nerves. I felt like I was getting lite closer he got "Did you open the box?" he said "No" I replied "Can I open the box?" Naomi said he smiled. Fred grabbed her and said "Why don't we go over there and talk Ni?" As they were walking away Malyki grabbed me and smiled he just looked at me for a while then kissed me. It felt good to be in his arms even though he was sweaty and smelled like a dirty hamper. He grabbed the box from my hands and said, "I know that we've never talked about being together, but I have always loved you from that moment you walked into my chemistry class till now. I love being around you and I hate the thought of never being with you." I knew where this was going but I hoped I was just imagining this I wouldn't know what to do or what to say. "What are you saying, Malyki and if your going to do what I think you’re going to do please don't." He looked confused it wasn't the reaction he was hoping for but what could I say. "What do you mean?" he said, "I know we have to talk about this more and I know you need time. I don't want and answer now I just want to ask and give you this." He opened the box it was an engagement ring it was so beautiful all I could do was cry. "What's wrong? Are you ok?" he said. I looked at him and smiled, he grinned. "Yes!" I belted out through the tears, "Yes!" "Really!" he yelled, "Yes? Did you say yes?" I nodded as I whipped the tears from my eyes, "Yes, I said yes!" We kissed and he held me for what seemed like forever.

 

I could hear the door to the looker room open and then a voice saying "I think she said yes!" and then everyone in the looker room started screaming. Naomi ran to over to me jumping and screaming,"Oh my god! Congratulation I'm so happy for you. I can't believe this." The coach had came out of the locker room he congratulated Malyki and I then said "Well boy's we have a game to finish, lets hit the field!" He gave me a kiss good bye and told me he loved me and then ran out to the field.

 

I’m not sure what was going through my head at the time? It took a while before everything that just happened started to sink in so many things started to go through my head. What was I thinking did I really say yes? This was not anything I would do Why am I so out of character. Before I knew it Naomi and I were back at our seats. She tapped me on my shoulder and said, "look up and the monitor!’ When I looked up there it was in colorful bold letters:

 

SHE SAID YES!! CONGRATULATIONS TO MALYKI AND THETA ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!

 

I couldn’t believe this the next thing I knew Naomi was pointing at the camera saying, "Girl!! We on camera!" I was so embarrassed all I could think about was wanting to go down to the field and choking Malyki to death. I looked at the monitor again and I saw the look on my face I guess the look I had was kind of a disgusted, mouth half open look of irritation. I tried to straighten out my face and I flashed a smile as Ni picked up my hand and showed off my ring (while posing of course) which really made me laugh. I looked over at Malyki and he looked as Fred looked when he looked back at Ni. It was this hopeless puppy dog look it was well...I guess it was what I needed at the time because the longer we looked at each other I could feel my heart melting and the butterflies swarming in my stomach. Then the crowd’s cheering and chanting began to slowly disappear. I’ve never felt like that before so I wasn’t sure if it was just infatuation or if I really was in love with him?

 

He was back on the field and I still couldn’t take my eyes off of him I think I was trying to figure it out. Was this really? Kept popping up in my mind. "Is this really?" I heard myself say out loud. Ni turned to me and stared at me for a little while "Are you ok?" she finally said. "I don’t know?" I replied, "Is this real? I mean is this really happening or am I just having a dream that I can’t wake up from?" It took her a minute before she said, " Beta, your thinking too much! Take a second, clear your mind and answer your own question. Only you can answer that question. The both of you have been dodging how you felt about each other. He has been a little more open about it but you..." she paused, "you said yes. What made you say yes? Something in you said yes and you didn’t even have to think about it." what she said made sense which got me thinking why did I say yes?

 

I tried to put the pieces together that would lead up the this event. Where were the signs? How did this come to be? Everything started to flash in my head. Even though nothing was said directly the signs were all there. I looked down at my hand and just looked at the ring for just a second it was beautiful and perfect. Not too flashy, not over bearing and it fit me so well it’s like he read my mind and got everything down to the letter. How did he know me so well? We’ve been friends for a long time there has been so much that I have said to him I never thought that he would remember. My mind must have been wandering for a while because it was 2 minutes in that last quarter. The score was 54 to 42 and I could hear the crowd yelling and screaming "DEFENSE! DEFENSE!"

 

Malyki was on the side yelling and jumping around it was kind of funny seeing him jump up and down. He really wanted to be out on the field again everything in his body language was screaming put me on the field! He turned around and looked at me and smirked a little. Maybe I am not the best at having any type of relationship but right at that moment he made me feel as though everything was going to be ok. Everything seemed to get louder at that moment I looked out into the field it looked like Patrick Moore stole the ball and headed back for a touch down. I think Malyki was secretly hoping that someone would tackle him so he could make that run. 60 seconds left at the end of the last quarter and Patrick was finally tackled at the 20 yard line. Coach called a time out the last one of the game Malyki and the rest of the offense ran out to the field with out hesitation. I still can’t understand the fascination with this game but I could see why everyone was so excited. When it came down to the finally moment I think I was even a little bit excited! It must have been the longest minute on earth even though we already won the game everyone still on their toes waiting for the next play. I couldn’t even watch I think I had enough excitement for one day I grabbed Ni and went towards the stairs. We heard the cheers and the screaming all the way to the locker room.

 

As we were going down the hall we saw 2 men in a suits waiting at the locker room door and talking amongst themselves. Ni turned to me and said,"You think those are the scouts?" I nodded and smiled. We walked passed them to the entrance to the field and watch the guys basically act an a*s on their big victory. It was crazy so many people in the field as everyone slowly trickled back towards the locker rooms. Fred, Ki and the coaches trailed behind. Ni ran up to Fred and jumped him they both fell back and hit the floor and just kissed. I don’t think he say that coming which made it that much funnier. Ki slowly walked up to me as I stayed leaned against the wall. He stood so close to me I felt all of his body heat coming off of his body as he just breathed heavily and just stared at me. I wanted to say something that would be normal and sarcastic but he placed one hand on my hip and the other on my back and pulled me in. Even though I had so many words just at the tip of my tongue I couldn’t get anything out at that moment it’s like my mind went blank as soon as he touched me. My heart was pounding as I stared into his eyes and I knew he could feel the pounding as my heart was beating and my breathing got heavy. He smiled and kissed me even though it took forever to get to that it was the best moment in my life.

 

I finally got my fairy tale.

Author's Note

Don't think too much into it I use my name but it's not about me I'm trying this fantasy thing out and I just want to say it's hard!!

Reviews

[S.Diane.L.]

Okay, my first impression of this was the story is cute and a tad vanilla, but I think it works. The characters are well defined and each has their own personality.

However, you have tons of run-on sentences, extremely long paragraphs that muddle and confuse the reader. Your dialogue is squished together so that two characters speak within the same paragraph, which leads to more confusion as to who is speaking and saying what.

The start of this paragraph, for instance:
" Before long, Naomi and Fred had walked up to the bench holding hands and smiling. "
I started to count the number of sentences and different dialogues, but stopped at twenty, which was about halfway through.

I try to keep my paragraphs no longer than 6-8 sentences and I keep my dialogues separate so that there isn't any character confusion.

There are multiple grammatical errors such as spelling, punctuation, sentencing-flowing, etc, but honestly, with a little rework and editing, you'll be golden.

Though it is a rough draft, I think this story has a very good possibility to become great. I hope you continue to write and put out more pieces.

Cheers,
S.Diane.L