Trapped

My own struggle with manic depression I’ve had for years and now I’m trying to fix myself but I feel so trapped in my own head

You can just take me into my own words, my mind is the perfect prison lined with these bare walls,
Lost and spinning in a frozen moment in time, mind such a muddled mess,
Twisted to that way and back to this way I can’t even trust what I feel anymore,
You tell me I’m broken and have been for so long it’s become normal for me,
I feel as nothing is wrong I’m in dull form right now to where nothing matters,
Snap!
Darkness grips at my throat, everything is nothing, sadness and hopelessness seeps in and grabs ahold of my heart, twist and rip me apart I’ll jump I swear I will, push me a little more and I’ll break, hold me close or I’ll cry, don’t leave or I’ll die, just lay me down and forget me like the rest just put me under and tell me it’s over.
Snap!
Rage settles in, my old familiar friend, the power of it soars through my veins, my very soul bursts to life, damn everyone around me I need nobody and nothing, carry me forth and I’ll watch you break at my fingertips, choke you against the wall as I watch your life slip through my fingers, you can’t stop me I’m the nightmares in your dreams the very poison creeping through your veins, my life is my own and I’ll burn it down around me if I damn well please I need nothing from you.
Snap!
Numbness grasps me from the violent clutch of inner rage, I’m exhausted and shaking, I don’t even remember what happened, why is everything broken across the floor, how did I get here? Why are you crying? Everything is fine it’s not what you think, don’t do it, I don’t feel anything, everything is just how it is and will never change, emotions voided I’m not sure what to do, settle into my routine, let thoughts rush around me, I won’t reach to grab any I’ll just sit here and let everything be.
Snap!
You’re the best thing to happen to me, our future is going to be great, I love you more then life itself, you’re everything I ever wanted, nothing in life can hurt me it’ll just bounce off my shoulders, hug me close because deep down I know this feeling is fleet footed and will escape before I really get to embrace it, behind I can feel that creeping fog of darkness coming to envelope me once again.

Author's Note

I miss when I used to write with raw emotion. I’ve been so caught up with trying to make things rhyme I forgot why I started writing in the first place. It’s a place to express myself to an anonymous audience. I can’t bring this up to anyone in my life because I’m embarrassed and ashamed of how I feel. So here I am, raw like I used to write at the beginning. I’m no professional writer and I should try to be. This is who I am in all it’s flaw and features.

Reviews

[Secret Thoughts]

wow that was deep. I too suffer from depression that I have been battling for years. The way you put it all into words is amazing.