Memories of Regret

As my mind sit and wonders at this late hour I am reminded of times to come and times that have past,

I hold on to fading memories from times long since forgotten,

I remember the first time my faze fell upon you or the fake tears I shed when I first held you,

I wanted to feel that joy but instead I felt a sickness,

I was angry that my life would change,

One life was now over another,

I hate you, I was disgusted by you and all these years later I sit alone.

It's what I wanted..It's what I wished and yearned for,

Now you're gone and now I'm happy.

Yes I am happy on the shell of my empty self I am happy, 

All my feelings are only skin deep,

Inside it's a wasteland void of anything but regret and anger,

I know nothing more than to let it consume me,

I don't even think this is real, 

I escape into my mind to forget all around me,

I've forgotten to come back out of it,

Am I still in my head and this is all a dream?

Let it be a dream and when I wake I am back in that clean room holding you once again.

Author's Note

Delilah and Eleanor forgive me

Reviews

[Alexa Apothic Red]

Wow, so staggeringly painful, and I like how honest you can be about it. Not everyone can be so brave as to express the honesty of terror and shock after having your children... because you are "supposed to" feel all these things THEY tell you you are supposed to feel. You are "supposed to" do all the right things, and in reality, parenthood is terrifying and scary and emotional and painful... we want to be the right thing for our children, but we all fail them. We are all real people. Perhaps the greatest impact you can make on your children from afar, as it appears you may be, is to just live well and demonstrate life to them in the way you live yours... and if you can, just show up for them. Deep down, they need you from beginning to end. It's never too late. Great writing and expression of your pain and raw feelings..

[Etta Beasley]

Beautiful. "I am happy on the shell of my empty self". I can smell the familiarity.

[Rheia]

Aaaand, here we see a new side of your story! I like this, it's emotional, it's true and honest and just great. Like always.