Here

just trying a different style

October is here.

Leaves falling down.

Rain on the windows.

On the rhythm of my heart.

Soft and slowly.

And then.

Suddenly the rain stops.

Just as the rhythm of my heart.

Feels like dying.

But I still feel your touch.

And I realize.

You are the one.

The one reason I am still.

Here

 

Author's Note

please if you see some grammar mistakes etc just tell me
i am trying to improve my english so just tell me if you notice some mistakes
or feedback is also very nice !

Reviews

[Perdition]

Well there are a couple comments that might maybe could help…You are on the right track so "keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel" : )
1. Leaves rarely fall anywhere but down so it is these details that change a good poem to a great one 2. You are setting the reader up for a wonderful fall and that is perfect so choose your imagery VERY carefully and every now and then think outside the handbag…get it? Honesty is essential but so is originality and YEP some readers you just can't help..lol. 3. Never underestimate the intellect of the reader to take your poetry out to places that not even you had intended when you began. It is a wonderful experience and connection and one I am sure you will be feeling very soon , if not already. This is filled with emotion but this reader reader is JUST a little of the POW factor. No one can teach you that but suggestions can be made such as .."But I still feel your touch"..okay ..pretty standard in that regard but what if you still feel his "voice"..or his sleep…dreams..anything tangible that you carry with you because you can...Well ..that's my two cents but I really enjoyed this poem and look forward to reading again and more : ) Thank you~

[Nadia B.]

Cool poem, I like your use of repetition, that the reason you say you are still here is either because of a person 'You are the one' or the month October. You create suspense with the line "Suddenly the rain stops." You create a pause between the lines "Just as the rhythm of my heart" and "Feels like dying." Very good use of style and creativity. My only suggestion for this poem is to beware of your commas and periods. The Lines that should end in a period or with a dot is "October is here." "Suddenly the rain stops." "You are the one." and "Here." The rest of your lines should all have commas after to keep the flow of reading for the reader. Thats just a suggestions, obviously it is up to you, and I like the way you have written the poem. For future, use periods at end of words you want to emphasize, or when you want the reader to pause for effect, or just to show the end of a thought. Commas are to help a person know when to take a breath whilst reading, to add flow, and to separate out smaller thoughts such as "Soft and slowly, and then, suddenly the rain stops." Your english is very good and I hope you will continue writing such lovely poetry! Thanks for sharing!