this

A Poem by theshygirl

a poem i am working on what do you think ?

This

Searching for something real in this twisted generation.

Blinded by the appearance of perfections.

Looking for a logic explanation.

Because this society is build on rejections.

Nowadays it is the judgment that you make.

About some people that you don’t even know.

It is their selfasteem that you break.

You let burn the wick of a grenade

That is about to blow.

We live in this world where we tend to care more about the like we get.

Then health and friends.

We tend to care more about the amount of followers on instagram.

We tend to care more about our relationships on the Internet.

Than to the real people who are left with loose ends.

This feeling I am feeling is rare nowadays.

It is almost not to explain.

I am searching for the end of this but it is like a never-ending maze.

And I wonder if this play pretend is going to be inhumane.

We are so close to a total isolation.

It is weird to crave nostalgia?

© 2015 theshygirl

Author's Note

pls if you see some grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes please let me know
i am dutch so english is not my best language , thank you so much :)

My Review

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Reviews

Richard🖌

Hi again, Shy! :)

This excellent work says so very much, with a deep message for us all, and it also allows us to see into your heart, soul, and intelligence, through your unique blend of poetic expression and emotion … I truly enjoyed and appreciated this one, because I feel the real You dancing all through it.

Now, technically speaking, the structure of poetry, the line-breaks, punctuation, capitalization, etc; all contribute to a reader's ease of understanding, enjoyment, and appreciation of your work … therefore, I try to illustrate what and how I mean this:

This

Searching for something real in this twisted generation,
blinded by the appearance of perfection …
looking for a logic explanation,
because this society is built on rejection.

Nowadays, it is the judgment that you make
about some people you don’t even know.
It is their self-esteem you break.
You let burn the wick of a grenade about to blow.

We live in this world where we tend
to care more about the like we get
than health and a friend.

We tend to care more about
the amount of followers on instagram.
We tend to care more about
our relationships on the Internet,
than to the real people
who are left with loose ends.

This feeling I am feeling is rare nowadays.
It is almost not to explain.
I am searching for the end of this,
but it is like a never-ending maze,
and I wonder if this play pretend
is going to be inhumane?

Are we so close to a total isolation,
where it is weird to crave nostalgia?

Spelling, word corrections, and additions:
Verse 1:
perfections = perfection
rejections = rejection
build = built

Verse 2:
selfasteem = self-esteem
that = (omitted)
that is = (omitted)
Then = than
a= (added)
friends = friend

Final Verse:
Are we = (reversed
where = (added)

Again, I hope I've offered some helpful hints for you to consider in your new compositions, Dear Shy.
I love your deeply-meaningful message in this one, and the conscious, intelligent mind that sees and wrote about it.

Thank you for sharing your excellent self … hugs to you! ~ Rascal

Posted 9 Years Ago

Hi again, Shy! :)

This excellent work says so very much, with a deep message for us all, and it also allows us to see into your heart, soul, and intelligence, through your unique blend of poetic expression and emotion … I truly enjoyed and appreciated this one, because I feel the real You dancing all through it.

Now, technically speaking, the structure of poetry, the line-breaks, punctuation, capitalization, etc; all contribute to a reader's ease of understanding, enjoyment, and appreciation of your work … therefore, I try to illustrate what and how I mean this:

This
 
Searching for something real in this twisted generation,
blinded by the appearance of perfection …
looking for a logic explanation,
because this society is built on rejection.
 
Nowadays, it is the judgment that you make
about some people you don’t even know.
It is their self-esteem you break.
You let burn the wick of a grenade about to blow.
 
We live in this world where we tend
to care more about the like we get
than health and a friend.

We tend to care more about
the amount of followers on instagram.
We tend to care more about
our relationships on the Internet,
than to the real people
who are left with loose ends.
 
This feeling I am feeling is rare nowadays.
It is almost not to explain.
I am searching for the end of this,
but it is like a never-ending maze,
and I wonder if this play pretend
is going to be inhumane?
 
Are we so close to a total isolation,
where it is weird to crave nostalgia?

Spelling, word corrections, and additions:
Verse 1:
perfections = perfection
rejections = rejection
build = built

Verse 2:
selfasteem = self-esteem
that = (omitted)
that is = (omitted)
Then = than
a= (added)
friends = friend

Final Verse:
Are we = (reversed
where = (added)

Again, I hope I've offered some helpful hints for you to consider in your new compositions, Dear Shy.
I love your deeply-meaningful message in this one, and the conscious, intelligent mind that sees and wrote about it.

Thank you for sharing your excellent self … hugs to you! ~ Rascal

Rating /100

9 Years Ago

Thank you again! Your reviews are great ! I can really approve from you reviews
I am great yo.. read more

9 Years Ago

Goodness Lisa!
For 15, you certainly are sophisticated in your understandings and depth of em.. read more

Robert

Hello theshygirl. I liked this poem very much. Since you asked I will pint out some words you might consider changing.
Line 3, "logic" to logical
Line 7, "selfasteem" to self-esteem
Line 8 "You let burn the wick of a grenade" to, you let the wick burn on a grenade
Line 11 "like" to Likes
Line 18 "not" hard
I never do this but you asked, just remember I would never tell a poet what to change, this is only a suggestion. If you don't change a word, do not feel bad because it belong to you. Please keep writing you are doing very well.