The Lost Years

I am not
An anti-social person
Yet today
I find myself
Hiding in my CD collection
From my high school years.

As New Order
Depeche Mode
The Cure
And Siouxie and The Banshees
Belt out their hits
From the late 1980’s.

Ironic
Considering this was
My most isolated period of life
Struggling with my gender identity
Not knowing
Who I could turn to
For advice.

Forcing it back
Into the deepest
And darkest part
Of my mind.

Where it festered for years
Before I accepted
This part of myself.

To my parents
It must seem like
Overnight I morphed
From a conservative quiet kid
Into a Gothic punk.

As I funneled
My anger outwards
Hiding behind a wall of hair
And dark clothes.

Damn it
Looking backwards
Why did not my parents
Ask me
About this radical change?

Where they scared
Of what they might learn
About their eldest child
Or wanted me
To come forth
First?

This is an answer
I will never know
As my dad is long dead
And my mom.

Well
Our relationship
Is very fragile
At the best
Of times.

Author's Note

WRitten February 21, 2011.