What Is The Missing Link?

I find myself
Struggling to make
That breakthrough point
Which allows me
To be fully open
Talking about my past
While not feeling
I am being victimized
Again.

Knowing
The wall stands there
Waiting only for
That mental command
To drop the portal gates
In a second or less
Should I feel myself
Entering hostile territory.

As the therapist probes
Through the maze of defenses
I have developed
Over the years
Sheltering a shattered psyche
From the abuse
Suffered as a kid.

Hiding the memories
Unable at the time
To process
And deal with them
As a child
In a productive
And healing manner.

Yet
Why did take more
Than 30 years
For most of these
Repressed memories
To finally emerged
As nightterrors?

Why not
Five years earlier
When I had to deal
With my mom’s hostile reaction
To her learning
I am a Transsexual?

What was it
About the panic attack
In August 2007
Provided the spark
In igniting this current way
Of flashbacks?

Wish
I had the answer
To this question
That could provide
The clue to unravelling
My current situation.

Reviews

[Jūdan FyreHeart]

It's always difficult trying to find the key to unlocking the huge wall. The frustration it brings about as you want to push forwards but find you're stuck.