Facing The Monster

You say
It takes real strength
To realize
Something is wrong
Within yourself
And then act upon it.

When in reality
I am doing nothing more
That everybody else
Has not done before me
In their own lives.

By facing my past
And the trauma
Which haunts my sleep
For more years
Then I care to remember.

Shaping my very identity
As a person
And my world view
On life
In general.

There are times
I struggle to face the truth
That I am not responsible
For any of the abuse
Of my childhood.

Rather the blame
Should fall upon the other kids
And my younger brother
Whom took out their rage
Upon my body and psyche.

For society’s view
Of the 1970s and 80s
“Boys will be boys”
Only sissies get beaten up
Instead of defending themselves.

How far
The pendulum has swung
Over the past 30 years
In regards
To bullying.

Almost too late for me
After numerous
Failed suicide attempts
As my self-anger
Started to devour me.

Until
Only a shell filled
With hate
Remained behind
Once where love lived.

Now the painful
But necessary steps
Are being taken in healing
My physical
And emotional self.

As my body
Becomes more feminine
With passing day
I allow myself
To heal.