Patchwork Grrl

Small
Patchwork doll
Placed with love and care
On the top shelf
Easily overlooked
By people.

What chance does
A simple stuffed doll have
Against a fine porcelain doll
With real human hair.

Dressed
In the latest
Parisian high fashion
Contrasting to
Her plain Cotton
Shift.

So easy to picture
A small girl dragging
The patchwork doll
Everywhere she went.

Sharing
Her joys and sorrows
More importantly
Her dreams
With it.

A younger sister
She never had
Though wished for.

Just her
And a younger brother
Polar opposites.

Unlike
The porcelain dolls
Only permitted
To touch them
On special occasions.

Feared
She would break
Them.

Not
She did not like them
Rather
In her mind's eye
They were too pretty
To play with.

Relieved
When placed
Onto the shelves
Again.

* * *

Reaching up
I grasp the patchwork doll
Within my hand.

Noticing
For the first time
As I turn it over
Various repair jobs.

From
Her mom's strong
And confident stitching
To Ellie's loose
And inexperienced stitching.

Tears
Run down my cheeks
Streaks of black mascara
Marred my face
Before landing on the doll.

Remembering
Your final hours
How you needed
Everything to be
Your way.

Refusing
My urgent pleads
To leave the nightclub
Until it closed.

Only
This once
I wish you
Had listened.

But
As the old saying goes
Hindsight is
Always perfect.

In my mind
Can still picture
The accident.

As if
Shot on a HD camera
In crystal clear detail.

Like
It was yesterday
Not eight years
Of haunted sleep.

Begging
One more song
Ellie you know
I could never turn down
Your puppy dog eyes
Able to melt
The hardest of hearts.

Knew better
To admit defeat
Heading back
To the dance floor.

One song
Turn into another
Before the last song
Was announced.

A
Quick glance at my cell
Show an hour later
Than I like
But worth
Your look of bliss.

Stepping out
The September night air
Slam into us
Like a sledgehammer.

Shivering
In our sweaty clothes
As goose bumps
Upon goose bumps
Covered our bodies.

With
Teeth chattering
I tried to hail a cab.

Why
Did Fate have
To take you
Ellie?

Gladly
I would have
Traded places with you
Just ten paces away
From me.

More
An earwitness
Than an eyewitness
To the accident.

Screeching
Of brakes locking up
Thump of a body
Hitting a car
People screaming.

As
The driver tries
To flee
Your body trapped
Underneath.

Could not look away
As it unfolded
Surrealistic nightmare
Come to life.

* * *

An
Angry feminine voice
Jarred me
Back to the present.

Eyes
Bleary from crying
Realized
It was your mom.

Hastily
Wiping my eyes dry
Turn to face her.

Knew
She was talking
But did not understand.

Slowly
Her words penetrated
My mental fog.

Judging
From her voice's pitch
She has been yelling at me
For a while.

"James Robert McLeod"
Wincing
As I heard
My birth name.

"What the f**k
Do you think
You are doing here?"

Her angry words
Washed over me
Like fast moving
White water through rapids
Scouring my soul.

Slowly
The attack petered out
Producing an angry red mask
Upon Ellie's mom face
Impossible to reason with.

Dimly
I heard
"Get the f*****g hell
Out of my house!!!"

Coat and boots
In hand
Wondering
Where did I
Go wrong?

Did
My presence
In Ellie's room
Reopen old wounds
Barely healed
Since i came out.

Standing
At the front door
Wanted to
Hug and say
"I love you"
But fear stopped me.

Quietly
I stepped out
As a cold December
Wind and rain
Greeted me.

Shivering
Under the porch
From anger and the weather
Hoping to reach you
My love.

Defender
Of my Light
In the land of darkness.

Figures
The porch is a dead zone
Either wait and hope
You are early.

Or
Stand out in the rain
To make the call.

Stepping out
Damn it
Wish i had brought
My umbrella.

No point
Crying over spilt milk
Rain dripping down my back
Sending shivers
Throughout my body
Darkening my foul mood.

Two steps away
Cell phone starts to ring
Quick glance
Showed your number
My saviour.

In a single breathe:

"HiJanice
Imstandingoutside
Waitingforyou
Itwasadisaster."

Rich sound
Of your voice
Greets my words
Comforting me.

Next breathe
I heard
Five more minutes
Brightening
My mood.

Only
Five more minutes
Repeated over and over
To myself.

Longest
Five minutes in my life
Never liked waiting
Even as a child
Pacing back and forth.

Constantly
Looking at the cell phone
Willing it
To move faster.

Remembering a line
From an old Love and Rocket's song
"And the minutes dragged..."
Forgetting the rest of the song
So frustrated
As it looped around
In my mind.

Hurry up
Janice.

Falling
Into the kid's game
Asking myself
"Is it time yet"
Driving myself batty
Stopping to look
For your approaching car.

Seriously
Thought of phoning you
When your car appeared
Two blocks away
Lifting my dark mood.

How
I wish you were
Standing beside me
Leaving this bad Karma behind
Moving forward.

Wish
I had a camera
To show you
Your Mona Lisa smile
Which you deny having
Smile of a sweet mystery.

Only if
I could give back it
To you Janice.

* * *

Few
False steps
Before finding Ellie's grave
Appreciating the personal space
Of a few moments alone
Before joining me.

Placing
Your hands
Upon my shoulders
In support and love.

Silently
We stand.

My mind
Reruns that fateful night
Tears running down
My cheeks.

Taking
The patchwork doll
Holding it to my lips
Tenderly kissing it goodbye
Placing the doll
On the grave.

Overwhelmed
By guilt and sadness
I bolt towards the car
Just missing
Several gravestones.

Your warning
Fell upon deaf ears
As I trip
On the uneven ground.

Stumbling back to the car
Covered in mud
No memory of falling
Or how the mud
Got into my ears
Remains a mystery.

Can imagine
Look of disgust
Upon your face
Seeing your clean interior
Covered in mud.

Think
I smiled that thought
As your eyes sent daggers.

Sighing
Softly to myself.

Wondering
If it was too late
To go back to bed
Without set off
Any more landmines.

Or least
Minimize the damage.

Daring
A sly glance
You reward me
With your brilliant smile
Filling the car
With love.

Will
I ever be
Able to read you?

As
I shake my head
In mock despair.

Giggling
You push me
Against the door.

Wiping
Your finger
Down my muddy nose
Dabbing the tip.

Before
Withdrawing
Leaving a streak
Down the middle
Of my face.

Feeling
Like a bird
Trapped as
A cat's plaything.

Unsure
If the next swipe
Will be the last.

Never
Seen you
This playful
Scared to ask.

Could not handle
Losing you
Janice.

Like
Removing
A blind person's sight
Only after
Having discovered it.

"Everything is fine
Jacqui."

Attempting
To reassure me
But felt like
I was standing
In quicksand
And sinking fast
Without hope.

Planning
My exit strategy
Should you leave me
Whatever method
It would be
Quick and painless.

"Jacqui
Stop this
I am not dying
Or planning to leave
You hear me.

"Oh Jacqui
You are my love
My inspiration
My soulmate."

Tenderly
Caressing my face
Kissing my forehead
Our tears mixing
Wanted to believe
But can not.

My hands in yours
Resting on the car console
Relaxing
Under your loving touch.

Uncertain
How to take
The next step
Wait or ask the question
What is bothering you.

Silently
I waited.

"Uhm Jacqui
Not sure
How to tell you
But we are going
To be parents.

"Am
Hoping for a daughter
Who will be named
In honour of Ellie."

Felt like someone
Had kicked
The reality out of me
Cast adrift
In Never Neverland.

Slowly
Your words cut
Through the fog.

Me
A parent
Wanted to laugh
At this absurd thought
Except it was true.

Saw your lips move
Yet no sound
Repeatedly asking a question
Before I understood.

An easy question
Almost embarrassing simple answer
Blushing at the thought.

Had
Trouble pronouncing
My "h" and "n" when young
Thus Helen became Ellie.

World knew her
As Helen
To me
She is forever
Ellie.

Your
Laughter broke up
The emotional scar tissue
From her death
Easing the guilt
I carry.

Deft hands
Measuring out the thread
In preparation
Of mending a tear.

Skill
Honed by long practice
Lovingly stitch
The ripped edges
Repairing my torn heart.

Author's Note

Original posted on my old acct here, which I am locked out. This version was written July 12, 2012.

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Seriously I am left dumbfounded, the story within your poetry is heart wrenching....imagery just tears one apart.

[therisa]

Thank you, Frieda, for your generous review.

[icelandicblue]

This is epically sad and inspiring. You've been able to draw the reader in and feel real emotion while reading. I was struck by the imagery of the dolls. China dolls sitting on shelves safe and sounds, patchwork dolls worn and mended live a life though not as long as their porcelain sisters. The loss was profound and heartbreaking the end felt like a reaffirmation of life and the lives of us all no matter how long or how short.

[therisa]

Thank you. Originally wrote this, during a time of turmoil, in my life, which since been settled.

[Tina Louise UK]

wow...that really gripped my heart, on the verge of tears here. Such a sad, beautiful, emotional piece...truly touching hun x

[therisa]

Thank you, Tia. One of my rare poems that I have gone over and revised it, a few times. Not sure, if I could write anything like this, again.

[Tina Louise UK]

It came from the heart hun, was perfect x

[therisa]

Thank you.

[Midnight_Mystery]

very nice..i enjoyed reading it :)