The Appointment

Poetic short story about starting hormones

Patiently Kari sat
In the doctor’s waiting room
Hoping to get start
On Estrogen.

Her three month cooling off period
Passed last week
But she could not
Book an appointment
Then.

Counting the other people
Who like her
Waiting to see
Their family doctor.

Wondering
How many are waiting
For her doctor.

A game played
Since she was young
Taught by her mom
To pass the time
In the waiting room.

Normally it helped
Yet today
It only increase
Her nervousness.

As ten
Became fifteen
Then twenty minutes past
Since her original appointment time
And still
No sign of her doctor.

Turning inward
Starting to question herself
Wondering if
She was making
The right decision.

Given her family’s
Very negative reactions
To the news
Of her transitioning
From a man into a woman.

Especially from her mom
Who stopped short
Of outright disowning Kari
As a child of her’s.

Her mom’s bitter final words
“You’ll come crawling
On your hands and knees
Begging my forgiveness
You mark my words”.

Still resonated
In Kari’s mind
As she miss
Her doctor calling
Her name out.

Only realizing it
When the doctor
Placed one of her hands
Upon Kari’s shoulder.

Startled
Kari jumped
A classic example
Of abuse victim’s reaction
To sudden contact.

“I am sorry Kari
Did not mean to scare you
Like that”
Her doctor apologized.

Realizing too late
Kari had
In her past
Endured more than
Thirteen years of abuse.

Both physical and psychological
From her younger brother
And the kids
At school.

Scarring her emotionally
To the point
Depression and anxiety
Had become routine
For her.

Suicide attempts
A ritual of growing up
Knowing you are different
Yet unable to express
To yourself and others.

Forced
To go underground
As you bury
A part of your soul
In order to protect yourself
From further abuse.

Attempting to live
Your life
As a male
Regardless of the price
Your soul has to paid.

Knowing
Each day lived this way
Means you lose
Another piece of yourself
Until nothing is left
But a hollowed shell.

Yet
You have to paint
A happy facade
On your face
Instead of
Showing your true feelings.

Knowing others are watching
For the slightest crack
In your armour
To pounce upon you.

* * *

“Sorry Dr West
I must have lost myself
In a daydream”
Kari apologized.

But Dr West knew better
Seeing for a brief instant
The true face of Kari
And not the one
She wore for everyone else
On a daily basis.

Before her
Sat a troubled soul
Trying to deal
With a past
Which would have crippled
Weaker souls than her’s.

Giving Kari
A few minutes to gather herself
Dr West led the way
Towards her office cubical
Making light chatter
As they walked.

Sitting down
Into their chairs
Dr West asked Kari:

“What’s the purpose of
Today’s visit?”

To which
Kari replied:

“My three months is up
And I want to start
Taking Estrogen
I am ready
For it.”

“I am aware
And understand
All possible side-effects
Which I may face
Taking an anti-androgen
To reduce
My testerone levels.

“Having done my research
And have read
The information package
Given to me
At my last appointment.

I know
My family history
For diabetes and heart disease
Places me
At greater risk
Than the other girls.

“But living life
As a man
Is slowly killing
With depression
And anxiety.

“I need to start
Hormones
Now?”

Kari stated defiantly
Knowing the decision
Was now of
Out of her hands.

A quiet pause
Developed in the office
As Dr West assess Kari
Before making her decision
One way or another
Given her struggle
With mental health.

A minute
Turning into two
Before Kari
Got her answer.

“ I am going to start you
On Spironolactone first
For a couple months
Before giving you
A prescription for Estrogen.”

At this point
Kari stopped listening
As she heard the news
She has been dreaming of
For the past 5 years.

Her dream was finally
Coming true
And nothing
Could stop her now.

Protecting the prescription
As if it was made
Out of gold
On her way to the pharmacy
To get it filled out.

A huge beaming smile
Firmly planted on her face
As she left
The doctor’s office.