Standing By Janus's Shoulders

I stand
Looking out
My apartment window
As people gather together
To celebrate
The coming year.

Wondering
What the future
Will bring.

Another year
Of painful
But slow advances
In the healing
Of my fractured soul.

Where even
The smallest gains
Means many hours of tears
Streaming down my face
As I struggle
Against my personal daemons.

Else
Continuation of my slow descent
Into madness.

Finding myself
Locked within my own apartment
Unable to leave it
Without suffering for days
The grips of agoraphobia
And panic attacks.

Where
Stepping into the hallway
Most take for granted
Is scary and frightening
As sweat drips down
My body.

Soaking my clothes
As if
I had finish a marathon
In the blistering heat
Of summertime.

My heart racing
Reaching speeds
An F1 driver would appreciate.

As it feels like
It’s about to explode
Into a thousand tiny pieces
Within my chest.

Either way
I face a choice
Which direction to take
In my own personal healing.

Do nothing
And slip further
Into darkness.

Or fight it
Knowing more painful days
Exist before
True healing can occur
For me.