Merry Bleeping Christmas

In my mind

I hear John Lennon

Singing his song

"So This Is Christmas"

As the tears fall.

Reliving memories

Of Christmases past

And feeling guilty

For not doing enough

To stop the abuse

From him.

Never being

Good enough.

No matter

How hard

I try.

Living on

The fear of violence

For the slightest reason

By him.

A simple sweater

Given by mom

As a present

Ruins Christmas

For everyone.

As he rages

Around the house

Before storming off

To his bedroom.

Never mind

The gift certificate

I gave

One year.

Which

He tore apart

In anger.

Scared

He would attack me

Next.

Can still

Picture this

When I close

My eyes.

As if

It was yesterday

For me.

Author's Note

The "him", I am referring to, is my younger brother. Until about a decade ago, when I stop going to my mom's house, he would terrorize Christmas, for my mom and I.

Reviews

[willweb]

That is so sad, but these from what I understand Therisa are now memories...bad ones, but memories and becase they are memories they are something from the past and that is the best place to keep them, in the past. I know it is so much easier said than done but, try not to dwell on the past...cast your eyes to the future and begin today by making new good memories that will eventually push those others from your mind.

[therisa]

Will, until seven years ago, I had kept these memories repressed, until I severe panic attack, while taking the subway, to a meeting. Meaning, I got several decades of memories to process, while keeping a sane mind. My defenses were flooded, and I didn't know how to handle to them.

[willweb]

That's why I said begin today. Seems like a good day to start to me. :)

[therisa]

Sigh. Am trying.

[icelandicblue]

Holidays are not all rosy and they can leave the most vulnerable of us in tatters. I am sorry that you have to carry these memories and that they still haunt you.

[therisa]

Thank you, Icelandicblue. Normally, for the past few years, I sleep Christmas and Boxing Day away.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you for sharing this most difficult piece. I understand, and I am so grateful this year for a Christmas that won't be like so many others.

[therisa]

Your welcome, KL. Am grateful, for you that the cycle is ending.

[MomzillaNC]

I hope you have brighter Christmases now. It's so tragic his entire existence is poisoned by so much anger. Has he ever sought treatment for his own issues that cause such violent anger?

NOTES: "He [tore] apart"

[therisa]

Momzilla, he's the type of person, who won't seek out help, when he needs it. It will be about a decade, since the last time, I spent Christmas, with my mom and monster. Whether he has changed since then, I don't know. And thanks for the correction.

[MomzillaNC]

You might want to consider that part of your own healing is to see his pain too. You don't need to ever have anything more to do with him. But, you'll find that forgiving him is good for you. As long as you continue to dehumanize him and refuse to forgive him, you empower him to keep being a source of pain for you. He's simply not worth it.

[therisa]

Not sure, I have the strength to that yet, as he stole so much from me.

[MomzillaNC]

He's still stealing from you. Forgiving him is not about him. It's about you. It's about taking back the power he stole from you in saying he simply doesn't matter enough NOT to forgive and move on.

[therisa]

I don't have the energy, right now, Momzilla.