Blame Game

What abuse survivors face.

It's the darkness

Which consumes

From within

Of one's soul.

 

Like a slow growing cancer

Whose malignant tumour

Spreads its poisonous roots

Throughout.

 

Unable to excise

What society has stigmatized

Choosing to ignore

In the hope

It'll disappear.

 

Never does.

 

Somehow

Your actions are

Responsible for this.

 

As if

You asked for it

To happen.

 

Losing yourself

In the depth

Of shame and guilt

For surviving.

Author's Note

Originally written, September 15, 2014.

Reviews

[realmwriter]

I like this piece, I really do. I am not sure though that I can identify with it in the way that lends it the credence and gravitas that it should have. I struggle with things that I think, in the back of my mind, make me bigoted, and for that I have only to change myself. I am who I am and I make no apologies for it. But I do find it difficult to handle certain feelings of ones self. You are who you are, no matter what society says you should be, or who. Please remember though, that I am still learning and for me, it takes a great deal of time. But I am willing. That being said. Very good write.

[therisa]

Thank you, Realmwriter, for reviewing this poem. Everyone will a pulse and a brain cell, is still learning, its part of life. Once that stop, we're no better than the rock, we have skipped across a stream.

[realmwriter]

You are welcome.

[MomzillaNC]

Well penned. That's our tormentor's greatest weapon, to have us think it's our fault they inflict harm. It's a long, dark, and lonely road to recovery for those who do find their way out. Even when someone really cares, does all the right things to lift us up, and lead us out, it's still up to us to make the journey; in our minds of torment it's the longest, loneliest road to travel and often the light seems to be moving away from us.

[therisa]

Thank you, Momzilla. It took me, decades to realize this, before I could take actions, to start my own healing.

[MomzillaNC]

It took me a very long time too.

[therisa]

I had to live, in a women's homeless shelter, before I realize this.

[MomzillaNC]

I was fortunate to make a friend in college who showed me the way to create healing for myself.

[therisa]

At the time, I was filled with a lot of anger and hurting, from my mom's reaction to my true self. I need something, to refocus my attention, which the shelter did. I never want to go back, to another shelter, if I live to see, a hundred candles on my birthday cake.

[MomzillaNC]

You've moved on now, thankfully. And, you have always been the "true self." Her lack of acceptance can never change that. Who you are is between you and your God and no one else.

[therisa]

Or, Goddess, as the case, maybe.

[MomzillaNC]

God is gender-neutral. We label God as is convenient to our own perspective. It doesn't change God's nature.

My personal presumption is that to apply gender is to try define God from our own perspective. God doesn't need us to define him. In fact, race and gender both need to be eliminated from our considerations of God and of each other. Race or gender never changes that we are all human beings, we are all people deserving of the same inalienable rights of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. But, we need pronouns. The trick is to learn to think gender neutrally about those pronouns. "Humankind" abbreviates to "mankind" abbreviates to 'man." So, "man" is gender neutral. "Male" is gender-specific. To think of God or each other in terms of gender is to limit God and ourselves. To my way of thinking, the same is true of pantheons of gods: to assign a specific area of creation to a specific god is to limit the omnipotent and omnipresence and omniscience of God.

That said, I do wish more people would adopt more encompassing ways of expressing the pronouns, like "s/he," instead of "she" and/or "he."

[therisa]

But, by using the term, "God", we are defining it, in a masculine way, even if, we meant it, in a plurialistic way, encompassing all stages of gender.

As for, s/he, I use it, when I am unsure, how to address someone. Myself, I prefer that people use feminine pronouns, when addressing me. I have a major beef with my doctor's office, because they used "Mr", when they mailed a letter to me, because my gender marker won't change, until I have some form of SRS performed.

[MomzillaNC]

Well, as a woman who has always been a woman and dealt with all the discrimination, victimization, and harassment that implies, I prefer neutral or no gender designation. And, I reiterate, G-O-D is gender neutral. We call God "God" because that is the name we speak, not because of a gender. Gender is something assigned by human perspective and human need to limit God to our small understanding.

Further, as long as we are so consumed by gender-identification, we will continue to face discrimination, victimization, and harassments because of that gender-identification. The same is equally true of race-identification. Until we can let go of gender and race labels, we will continue to marginalize and be marginalized by them.

[therisa]

But for the transcommunity, by using gender specific pronouns, it gives us, a sense of worth, of being someone, which we have fought so hard, to be accepted, as who we are, by society. I know, full well, the discrimination, harassment and victimization, which happens on a daily basis, having to live it. How parts of the LGBT community views us, as gender traitors, would gladly, toss us, under the bus, to get their way. And this happens, in "liberal" Canada.

[MomzillaNC]

Don't you see? All that is because of gender-identification. Who you are is between you and God. It's not up to the world to make that determination. You are a child of God first; a person second. Your gender determination is a meaningless label the world tries to impose upon you. Transgender folks (there are some born female who make believe they are really male) face more gender discrimination than anyone else. When gender and race are deleted from the equation, it will force us to look at the person.

[realmwriter]

This is, by definition, what makes us either, male or female.

chromosomes [( kroh -muh-sohmz)]


The small bodies in the nucleus of a cell that carry the chemical “instructions” for reproduction of the cell. They consist of strands of DNA wrapped in a double helix around a core of proteins. Each species of plant or animal has a characteristic number of chromosomes. For human beings, for example, it is forty-six.

Note : In humans, sex is determined by two chromosomes: an X-chromosome, which is female, and a Y-chromosome, which is male. ( See sex chromosomes.)

When science can figure out a way to change the chromosomes of humans so that X is swapped for Y, then we can truly change our sex. There is, in my mind, no such SRS or GRS that can do that, that I know of. This is simply what I believe and I do not mean to offend if I do. I do not believe this makes me a bigot, hope not anyway. This is why I said in my review, that I struggle with certain beliefs of ones self, in regards to what sex one identifies as. But I do not judge you. In fact, I applaud you for having the courage, in todays egotistical, self centered, nihilistic society, to stand up for who you are and be whomever you where born to be.

[therisa]

Realmwriter, scientist don't have a full explanation, a child is born trans. Some think, it happens, when the body is fully formed, but experiences a backwash of estorgen or testosterone, which feminize or masculize the developing brain, while the body is, of the opposite gender.

As for SRS/GRS (which are the same operations, but different names), technology hasn't advance far enough, to grow the neccessary organs that are missing, for a transman or transwoman. But over the coming years, this will change, with advances, in stem cell research.

[MomzillaNC]

And, Realmwriter, chromosomes can be totally screwed up, producing an hermaphrodite. It actually happens more than you might be aware. So called "corrections" are made at birth, when the attending surgeons and pediatrician inform the parents of the "dominant" genitalia. Nature doesn't always get it right.

Did you know that in Iran, the government pays for gender reassignment surgery? If they can wrap their brains around it, why can't we "enlightened" Westerners do the same?

[therisa]

Momzilla, the Iranian government does this, because of their anti-gay/lesbian legislation, which offer the offender, the choice of jail or forced changed. It's against the law to be gay/lesbian, there.

[MomzillaNC]

I do know that homosexuality is illegal in Iran. My husband is Iranian. However, I also know that they do NOT offer gender reassignment to homosexuals who come before the law. The law is quite clear on the issue there: the sentence is death. But, if you have not come before the law and a counselor (whom you must seek out for help -- they won't go looking for you) diagnoses your need for gender reassignment, the government will pay for all or part of it, depending on your financial situation. Then, having completed the process, the individual is free to marry and live their life in their newly acquired gender, without the overwhelming stigma the same individual would face here.

I'm not defending Iran, nor holding it up as any kind of Utopian ideal. But, an idea of itself can be meritorious, regardless of it's source.

[therisa]

In Canada, the provincial governments and the military will pay for the SRS, once you have passed through a psych panel, to access your mental stability. Only drawback, is accessing this process can take years, by the provincial governments, as they are only willing to cover a "x" number of people, on a yearly basis. In Ontario, it took a court challenge (2005), to re-instate this coverage, after a conservative government dropped it, in 1995.

[MomzillaNC]

Oh, all the systems would rather pay endless thousands a month for drug therapies than any physical therapies. For example, my son is ADHD: the insurance will pay thousands a month for drug treatments, but will not fork over one thin dime for the psychologist recommend drug-free therapies (martial arts, music lessons, and team sport). The West is still stuck in the "better living through chemistry" mindset of the early 20th Century.

[therisa]

I so agree with you, Momzilla.

[realmwriter]

The U.S. is controlled in large part by big pharmaceutical companies. They make so much money off of the poisons they pay doctors to prescribe that is no longer feasible for our government to pay for prevention. They would rather focus on treating a condition/ ailment than actually trying to prevent it because it makes more money.

[MomzillaNC]

Truly. And, big pharm managed to get a law passed that anything diagnosed as a disease can ONLY be treated by prescribed medical drug therapy. Making it illegal for a doctor to even recommend supplements like St. Johns Wort (which has been show to be a good supplement of the treatment of mild depression and possibly SAD). Doctors may recommend drug-free therapies (as with my son's ADHD), but they cannot prescribe them. If it's not a prescribed treatment, insurance will not cover it.

[realmwriter]

It's sad really, to think how easily our government can be controlled through corporations and pharma. Hell the FDA was paid by big phrama back in the 80's to fast track and approve AZT even though it was shown to be highly toxic in the doses that it was being delivered in. Yeah, I watched Dallas Buyers Club. Good movie.

[MomzillaNC]

I didn't see that movie. But, it doesn't surprise me.

[realmwriter]

Don't know your taste in movies but I would highly recommend it.

[MomzillaNC]

I have a ten year old. We don't watch movies we cannot watch with him.

[realmwriter]

You and I are far different in that area then. Cause I see no reason to shield children from the truths of this world that they will come to learn anyway. I explain, when asked and when not asked I ask. Right now though, I only have my 20 month old with me. She's not yet old enough to understand or grasp what's going on, on the big loud, flashy thing. But I understand your postion on the matter as well and you are certainly not wrong for it. Many would think me wrong for mine. I simply beg to differ in that I am not afraid ( not saying you are) of having to explain what they don't understand. I would rather it be me than someone else.

[MomzillaNC]

I don't shield my son from the realities of life. However, I don't expose him to the raw presentation movies make of those issues. He may have to know about them, but he doesn't have to experience them. That's what movies do: they take us into the experience. When I know he has no development capacity to put that experience into context, to me, it just seems pointless to fill his mind with thing that can only disturb him. I'd rather give him his childhood than to thrust him headlong into the complexities even adults find hard to contextualize. I won't lie or sugar coat the truth to my son; neither will I expose him heedlessly to things his brain simply hasn't the development to handle yet.

[realmwriter]

See, we differ. I think children are capable of handling far more than they are given credit for. Including their brain. I guess I would rather not allow society or science to dictate to me what I should or shouldn't expose my child to. I am not saying that is what you are doing. You are probably right and I am most likely wrong. But I truly don't see how either would suffer. I guess I think I can give my daughter that understanding for which she has yet to develop. Maybe not, but I can also try. Yes, my daughters brain, as yet, hasn't developed the capacity, or so I am told to believe, to understand or to grasp what is going on in these movies and I have yet to grasp the capacity to tolerate the mindless dribble that are said to be childrens programming these days. It really isn't any better, or at least not in my opinion, than the movies that we as adults watch or the PG shows meant for teens. It's all basically teaching our children to be selfish little s***s and to have no respect for other people. That's part of the reason I don't let my daughter watch or read most princess based stories.

[MomzillaNC]

Maybe. But, the physical development of the muscle that is the brain is immutable. It happens at certain stages of physical development. For example, the part of the brain with which we make decisions and risk assessments is not fully developed before around age 25. Without that fully developed part of the brain, I worry that too much of the harsh realities of life are really just giving them ideas because their brains simply aren't physically equipped to contextualize the information with a rational risk assessment.

Besides, if you watch closely, much of so-called kid's programming is wildly inappropriate. Take the Nick show, "Sam & Cat:" it's a show about a thug and a moron. Sam has no moral compass (which Carly on "iCarly" provided) and Cat is a complete moron. The very apartment they live in is furnished with stolen goods from an escapade lauded in the way the show had the pair acquiring their furniture.

Spongebob is mindlessly careless of how his actions impact the lives of those around him. And, he's absolutely clueless about the realities of life, such as fair pay for fair labor, often embracing injustices the real world is fighting to stamp out.

[realmwriter]

Oh believe me, I understand the moral ambiguity of programming aimed at children. And I see your point about the development of the brain. Though with that in mind, perhaps the legal age of being considered an adult by law should be raised to 25. Still, I don't think science has it all figured out just yet and probably never will. But at least we have a minimal understanding of how the brain works. Really the only challenge left, is to understand how to make it work. Not just fly by the seat of our pants and let it guide our way.

[MomzillaNC]

I agree: science doesn't have all the answers. But, the answers science does give us makes me too feel that so-called "legal" age should be raised to 25. I also think that mandatory education should continue to 25. College shouldn't be a matter of coming up with the money. It should be part of the mainstream public education system; true democracy comes from educated minds. If we teach our people to seek knowledge and how to think, then, real democracy and pluralism is possible.

[realmwriter]

I think college should be tuition free, at least for the first four years. And I agree, that it too should be as mandatory as grade school through highschool. This country of ours, in large part, is dumb. We really need to beef up our educational system if we ever expect to get any further as a society and as a country in a competing and still growing global economy.

[MomzillaNC]

That's not going to happen with the Tea Party running things. We're trapped between two sets of ideologues: the Tea Party (extreme right conservatives) and the ultra-liberal left. Our pluralist system is government by committee and can only function from the middle. The middle is where compromise moves the system and something -- ANYTHING (PLEASE!!) -- gets done. Neither side right now is willing to compromise and they're shouting down the moderate middle.

[realmwriter]

Good Lord I can't stand politics for that very reason. Too much bickering back and forth about who's right and who's not. This is precisely why I never got into all of it, though I do like to argue. I just find something morally offensive about lying to get ahead and then further to get what "we the people" supposedly want from our congressmen. I mean look at Obama. He made so many promises to get into office and what has he done. Other than botching healthcare (another thing that I think should be free), nothing. He has lied to the people and he has made a mockery of the presidency. He is, in my opinion, a fraud.

[MomzillaNC]

Obama has been a big disappointment… his tenure held so much promise. But, really, what did we think the first black president was going to achieve? He was always going to be a bit of a lame duck. That said, he will always be the president who had to guts to get Osama bin Laden, rather than continuing to pander to our so-called allies, the Pakistani government and to Big Oil in Saudi Arabia (Osama was part of the Saudi royal family).

I hope to see a woman president in my lifetime; but, I very much believe that she too will be rather a lame duck president.

As for Obamacare, well, it's hugely benefitted us. It's a broken system, but it's something. All my life, every president in every term has promised to do something about healthcare. They always ended up doing nothing because they couldn't get everything they wanted to do into the package. Obama has given us a deeply flawed new system; but he gave us something. We voted for it and it became law. The real crime is that Congress has tried and failed more than 100 times now to overturn the LAW. But they haven't passed a full budget in SIX freaking years! They try to blame the president for that; but the fact is, the president does NOT pass the budget -- Congress does. If the president vetoes it, Congress has the power to overturn his veto and pass it anyway.

[MomzillaNC]

The worst thing is, this country just looks foolish to the rest of the Western world.

[realmwriter]

Obamacare may indeed be something, but I thoroughly believe that for all of its flaws, nothing was better. But then again, I guess in retrospect that anything is better than nothing. Though for healthcare. I cannot understand why it had to affect so many other things. It's more difficult for some, to get workmen's comp claims and for others, who actually need it, to get disability. Though I probably have Obamacare to thank for my daughter being able to get disability when she was born. Not sure about that though.

[MomzillaNC]

Trust me… having fought the healthcare battle for the last 30 years, I can attest that Obamacare is a much needed something. The dang system might have been better to start with if the Tea Party extreme right hadn't fought tooth and nail against any and all action that Obama might take. They were given every opportunity to be in on the crafting of the plan and rejected the offers out of hand. They even said -- actually made the statements -- that their job was to block, to defeat Obama. They've set themselves the job of preventing Obama from achieving anything. Did you know that the so-called Obamacare is actually something that Mitt Romney crafted and implemented in Massachucetts?

[realmwriter]

I didn't know that, no. I am afraid I know little of Mr. Romney other than what I have seen in media. I really cannot speak intelligently on him. But from what I have gathered, he has some good ideas and some bad and for the most part, I think he's a bit of a moron. But that is just my opinion, and of course biased due to lack of information and in part as well, caring.

[MomzillaNC]

Well, I wouldn't call him a moron. He's a highly educated and intellectual man. He's also very moral. But, he's completely out of touch with middle America. However, he is also a moderate and I'd rather see him running Congress than that Tea Party toady Boehner!

[realmwriter]

Okay, I have to give you that one. While he may not be a moron, Boner (for obvious reasons) is. Even if educated and intellectual as is Mr. Romney.

[MomzillaNC]

I agree.

I think, before anyone is allowed to serve office, they should be required to live one full year on a minimum wage salary and have no recourse to their otherwise cushy real lives.

[realmwriter]

Agreed. At least, I think, that would humble them a bit.

[MomzillaNC]

It would also at least introduce them to the struggles most folks are trying to overcome.

[realmwriter]

So too would being homeless for a year.

[MomzillaNC]

True. However, while I can see the boon that would be for the egomaniacs in power, that's not a state I'd deliberately place anyone into. I might also, though, include a second year (or even two) of public service to address the needs of the homeless and poor.

[realmwriter]

Agreed. I have been in such a position and know directly of the humbleness it can inspire in us. Of course it can do just the opposite as well and in so doing make anyone wishing political office worse for the experience. But two your three years of direct public service would certainly help.

[MomzillaNC]

Certainly these gits who buy into the notion that corporations are people too would change their tune very quickly if they were under the corporate grindstone like most of mainstream America.

[realmwriter]

Yeah that makes me laugh hysterically. Corporations as people, Please. That has got to be the single most ridiculous thing I have heard in some time. And I have heard some doozies.

[MomzillaNC]

We have Bush Senior to thank for that bit of idiocy!

[realmwriter]

Oh yeah. Now that man and his son, tow of the biggest buffoons this side of the equator.

[MomzillaNC]

Junior… yes, complete buffoon. Senior? Well, all I can do is remind you, Senior ran the CIA before he was Reagan's VP. In fact, he was riding herd on the CIA when they cultivated bin Laden to fight the Russians in Afghanistan.

[realmwriter]

And the CIA was better off without him. Bin Laden was bull, we stuck our nose, yet again, where it didn't belong. All for oil. Same as Vietnam. Anyway. I gots ta go. I hungry.

[MomzillaNC]

Totally! And, I have to go pick up my son from school. It's been an interesting conversation.

[realmwriter]

It was indeed.

[Anonymous -]

That's very deep. Makes you think that's for sure

[therisa]

Thank you, Anonymous, for your review. Have been, in this position, myself, "wondering, only if...", which is very destructive, for one's mental health.