To Forgive = Full Pardon

Been told

I need to forgive

What my brother did to me

For true healing

To occur.

 

Pardoning him

For his crimes

Against mom and I.

 

And yet

How can I

Possibly forgive him

For his various attempts

To destroy my life?

 

When

He wasn't punished

In the first place

By anyone.

 

While

I feel like

I'm being punished

Because I have survived

His psychological

And physical abuse.

 

When

In the past

I have made

Several attempts

To heal our breach.

 

Only to

Face open rejection

And renewed hostilities.

 

Why must I

As the victim

Make the first move?

 

Knowing

He'll never own up

For his actions

Against mom and I.

 

In my mind

To forgive him

Is to forget

All of my experiences

And the resulting damage

Done to my body and soul

By his actions.

Reviews

[MomzillaNC]

A very emotional write.

It is very difficult to forgive. But, the thing is; we don't forgive for the sake of the tormentor. We forgive because to hold on that is to still empower the tormentor. We forgive so we can move on. And, forgiving him doesn't mean you ever let him back into your life to hurt you again. It means letting go of the pain… it means refusing to ever let him have the power to shape your future. It's not easy -- Heaven knows I still struggle with it myself at times -- but it is necessary for your own future.

[therisa]

Momzilla, I have cut out, my brother, of my life, in August 2007. Sadly, I am struggling with PTSD and other mental illnesses, from his actions, which he knows nothing about.

[MomzillaNC]

He never needs to know about it. Leave him behind. He simply does not matter. Forgiving him in your heart is for you… to help your soul be whole and to break his power over you.

I'm still struggling with the horrors of my youth. But, I found a way to make peace and forgive. I keep most of my family blood family at arm's length, including my own mother. I have cut a sister out of my life as well; I forgave her, but will not let her close enough to hurt me again. There are people I've cut out of my life entirely. Again, I forgave and moved on.

[therisa]

I hid most of my traumatic experiences, for decades, behind mental walls, which collapsed on me, after a brutal panic attack, during rush hour, on a pack subway car, in August 2007. Flooding me, with experiences, which I had no defenses, to counter with. Am slowly, working my way forward, in my healing, with writing being, one of the steps, I am using to cleanse myself.

[MomzillaNC]

I wish you the best and hope you have someone close to draw strength from.

[therisa]

Thank you, Momzilla. I do, a very special friend, who is has helped me, after my mom's rejection of me, as her transdaughter, in July 2006. He has been my bedrock, which I have been able to rebuild myself, after a month long suicidal depression. His family has, also adopted me, as the daughter, they never had.

[MomzillaNC]

I'm glad for you. I too had a friend who led me to the path of all my current joys. I think you read my poem "Monsters." My poems, "Mother Monster" and "Mother Lost" are about some of my struggles. "Run Away" and "Hates Me" and "This Ravaged Hell" and "Walking" also detail some of my struggle. My poetry is my biography for the most part. IDK if it helps you, but I found some measure of comfort in the sharing of others. Part of the hardest thing about the cycle of abuse is the sense of isolation… the sense that we're completely on our own with now help or hope.

[therisa]

I have several poems posted here, which deal with my past. Earlier this year, I posted a letter (May), which I wrote to my younger self, as part of my healing process. It was one of the hardest things, I have done, as I remembered past things, which I had forgotten about. I have since, taken it down.

Isolation, is a huge issue for me. Having gone through a 3 month bout of agoraphobia, which I needed help, just to take out my garbage. Often, I feel like, I have done much, but the people around me, say I have overcome huge obstacles, in my healing and growth, as a person.

[MomzillaNC]

That's the thing. Sometimes, in the exigencies of our current pain, we blind ourselves to how far we've come, how much we've grown. Someone on the outside, looking in, can often provide a perspective we just can see on our own.

[therisa]

My nurse practitioner is constantly reminding me. Along with my friend.

[MomzillaNC]

Good. I'm glad your friend and your professional care are on the same page.