Hoping For The Final Wish

How being passive suicidal feels like.

I don't remember

The first time

That this started

Of having my face

Covered by morning tears.

 

As a sense of sorrow

Colours my soul

Upon waking up

Every morning.

 

Wanting to hide

My shameful tears

Deep

Into my pillows

And from others.

 

While

A new day starts

I mourn

Being awake

And alive.

 

When it's death

I seek.

Author's Note

There are two types of suicidal ideazation (thought), one is passive, which the feeling of being suicidal exists, but not active measure is taken to follow through on the thought. And the other is active, where the person is takes steps to follow through on their thoughts and does attempt suicide.

For more years than I can remember, I have been passively suicidal, waking up every morning, hoping I had died during my sleep. The most of the time, I haven't been passive, active suicide thoughts domained my thoughts. And yes, there have been a few times, I wasn't thinking about suicide.

Being passive suicidal means, I can push these impulses to the background and get through life, without OD, hanging myself or do other self-destructive measures to myself. On a scale of 0-10.0, where 0 means no suicidal thoughts, and 10.0 means following through, I am about 3.5, right now. It's there, but still background noise for me.

Reviews

[Tina Louise UK]

I can sadly relate to this read...not so much anymore thankfully. But at times when things become too overwhelming...try to keep my mind busy doing different things helps. Hugs xx

[therisa]

Tia, I can remember, as a teenager, having ths passive suicidal wish for death. I couldn't explain it, to my parents, why I felt this way. Just like I was conflicted by my need to be female, as I was having dreams, where I was female, or turned into one, during my dreams.

[Tina Louise UK]

Mine started at about 11...been fighting them since x

[therisa]

I know, before the age of 12, I tried 2 or 3 times to end my life. Luckily, my last attempt was the holiday season of 2010-2011.

[icelandicblue]

Life is hard and for some it is too hard. I know what you mean. When you feel like this there is no joy and no relief. I am truly sorry for your pain.

[therisa]

Thank you, for your kind words and support.

I have tried the medicated route, having experimented with 7 different anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs and various combos, over a 5 year period, before stopping it, because it was causing more harm to my body than good. My own doctor is reluctant to prescribe any meds for this, because of my body's sensitive to medication.