Am Not Suicidal

thoughts that enter my mind, during the wee hours of the morning.

Must admit

There have been times

Which I have wished

For my death.

When my depression

Have spiraled downwards

Into the blackest 

Of all funks

Possible.

When you asked

If I do have

An exit plan?

Truthfully

I must answer

Yes.

Having thought out

Several plans

Should the need

Arrive.

One plan developed

Out of my need to know

What medications 

I am taking

Given my chemical sensitivity

For their reactions.

But having a history

Of attempting suicide

Doesn't mean

I will act

Upon these plans.

Rather

A fail safe strategy

One hopes

Never have to use

Like the nuclear bomb.

Even if

People do think

I am lying

About my suicidal idealizations.

Author's Note

I have been suicidal, before the age of twelve, having attempted to take my own life, several times. My last two suicidal attempts occurred, during the holiday of 2010-2011. A very dark period of my life.

Reviews

[Tina Louise UK]

I have had thoughts like this in my past, thankfully not any more. Meds seem to help. A very relatable read xx

[therisa]

Thank you, Tia. I wish I could say, I have a med(s) that work for me, but I don't. Maybe, when I see my doctor, tomorrow morning, this may changed, as we talk about the mini psych assessment, done early February. I know, I need to change my sleep pattern, as I am struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep. Often, this sleep is broken up over 2 or more periods.

[Tina Louise UK]

Lack of sleep is a killer hun...it effects me completely. I struggle with sleep because of pain so I know how it can effect you. Really hope you get it sorted x

[therisa]

Thank you, Tia. Am getting tired of the raccoon look, even if it's the rage of fashion here. ;)

[Goat]

This is a sad poem, It is written well and has great intonation and emotion. Nice write and stay strong.

[therisa]

Thank you, Goat, but there's nothing joyous about suicides or having suicidal thoughts. Am doing everything, possible to keep myself, in a positive space.