Wondering Why

Having a dark moment.

Why do you read

The poetry 

Of a broken person

Who's struggling

To understand.

What it means

To heal 

And be whole.

Who has lived

Too many years

Behind walls

So high.

Even the birds 

Can't get over.

Where 

Being self-destructive

Was the modus operandi

For more years

Than I can remember.

Turning inward

With the mental knives

Slicing and dicing

At my ego.

Until 

Bloody butchered ribbons

Littered my soulscape

As far as

One can see.

While 

Keeping quiet

About the abuse

That marked me.

Whether

By a family member

Or those

Whom I thought

As my friends.

Scared

Things will get worse

Should I talk.

Having experienced

In the past

Speaking out

Meant further abuse.

While 

My abusers walked away

With a mere slap

Upon theirs wrists

By those

In authority.

Even now

I can't talk about it

Without these fears

Slamming the door

Upon me.

Am I

A coward or worse

In reacting

Like this?

Wish

I knew.

For I just want

My tears and trauma

To end.

Author's Note

Don't expect anyone to read this, and respond back.

Reviews

[Tina Louise UK]

Why do you read
The poetry
Of a broken person

To know we are not alone hunni...this piece really touched me me, hugs xx

[therisa]

Tia, I wrote this poem, yesterday, in a bit of self-pity and anger, never expecting anyone would actually read and review it. As I was recovering from a brutal two day migraine headache.

[Tina Louise UK]

Those migraines are the worst hun, glad it has passed xx

[therisa]

Thank you, very much, Tia, for your concern.

[redflutterby]

What we have experienced in the past becomes what we guage future interactions with. If we have been abused or betrayed its normal to expect that to continue. Even if a person hasnt given us any reason to believe so. Its also normal to turn inwards....to think we are to blame somehow for our mistreatment. When we see no justice for our suffering our already battered self esteem plummets lower. Your reactions dont make you a coward...they make you human. We all may a reach a point where we can't bear anymore pain and disappointment. Waking up each day and living regardless of what youve experienced means you are stronger then you realize. Continue to write...try to voice your fears...do the best you can, one day at a time.

This is a very honest piece...and many people understand where it comes from. ;-)

[therisa]

Thank you, Redflutterby. This week has been a very painful one, for me (both physically and emotionally).

[redflutterby]

Those weeks will come and go...sometimes even months. But keep pushing forward....and youre welcome.

[therisa]

Know all too well, redflutterby, as I have endured months of chronic and often suicidal depression.

[Frieda P]

A courageous write therisa, this happens all too often...abusers often go unpunished, it's a crying shame, lives are ruined in the interim and unjustly the one abused take all the blame and trauma that goes along with this kind of unforgivable transgression.

[therisa]

But I don't feel courageous, Frieda, only soiled, which is the mood that I felt, when I wrote this poem.

[Frieda P]

I know exactly what you mean, but baby steps...this is one of them.

[therisa]

Never expected anyone to read or give a review on this. Figure, it will be another poem by me, to go unnoticed. There's too much self-hate, in this, for my like. Not sure, why I posted it, in the first place.

[Frieda P]

I'm sure there are others who can relate as well, just keep purging those thoughts, whether or not anyone reads them is irrelevant at this juncture in your healing journey....

[therisa]

Wish I had your confidence, Frieda.

[Frieda P]

I was in the exact same place you are when I first came to the cafe, it was only with the encouragement of other writers, that I found my way...

[therisa]

Been the past couple of years, have I feel able to write about this.Otherwise my writing is different from this.

[Valentine]

Why not answer back..many people have suffered some abuse or another in their lifetimes. Perhaps not to the depth or degree that you mention, but finding Jesus leads them out of it to higher ground. I'll be praying for you..Valentine

[therisa]

Thank you, Valentine, but some of my abusers have used the religious card, against me, by quoting verse after verse, condemning me, to burn, in eternal Hell. And they call themselves, Christians. I don't mean to tar all people, who practice the lessons of Christ, but once burnt, twice shy.