To Dream Once More

The toxic joys of insomnia, caused by flashbacks.

To dream

Is to heal

Oneself.

And yet

I find myself

Dreading the prospect

Of having dreams.

As afterimages

Fill my mind's eyes

With the terror

I want to flee.

Never mind

The lingering anxiety

Which my soul

Bathes in.

A good night sleep

Has become

For me.

Something different

I would have trouble

Recognizing

From nine years ago.

Feeling myself

To be lucky

If I can get four hour

Of solid sleep

Without waking up.

As my hyper-alertness goes

Into overdrive

Reacting to

The slightest noise

In my apartment.

Or the lightest touch

By one of my cats

As they brush

Against my body.

Maybe

One day

If I am lucky.

My dreams will return

Filled with love and happiness

Not darkness and hate

As they are

Now.

Author's Note

Written December 14, 2013.