Shame Of Surviving

How I feel about surviving my suicide attempts.

Guilt.

Why did I survived

And they didn't

The suicide attempts?

What makes me

So different

From them?

At what point

Does my pain merit

An ending?

Questions

Which I ask

Myself.

Especially

During this time

Of year.

As November 20th

Fast approaches

With Trans Remembrance Day.

In which

Too many talented people

Have died

At a young age.

Battling personal daemons

That haunted them

Every waking moment

Of their lives.

So many times

I have found myself

On this particular ledge

Teetering.

Waiting for

A gust of wind

To knock me

Over.

Only

Never to come.

As the tears flow

For the lost souls

Taken before

Their time.

Author's Note

During my childhood years and later, I have lived through physical and psychological abuse, at the hands of family members, so-call friends and total strangers (transphobia). In which, I have attempted numerous times, to end my own life, and feel guilty for surviving these attempts of mine.

Originally written, October 13, 2013, a week before the transcommunity remember those, who have died, by their own hands (suicide or OD0) or violently, at the hands of others (murder), on November 20th, with Trans Remembrance Day.

Reviews

[Lourisa]

therisa, this is a very touching and honest poem, one which I can relate to all too well.
"At what point
Does my pain merit
An ending?" I have asked that question many times myself. I'm glad you're still with us to write about this, speak up and help remove the stigma. Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem.

[therisa]

The honour is, mine, Lourisa. Although, 3 years have passed, since the last time, I found myself, in this situation. I wish I could write about, with the honesty and truth, I do.

[TL Boehm]

waiting for a gust of wind to knock me over. only never to come. Perhaps it is because you have words that need to be spoken and heard. this is a poignant write.

[therisa]

Thank you, Tammy. There is so much discrimination, which my community faces, I don't know, if my voice will make a difference.

[Emily B]

i try to remember that if i am still here, there is still work for me to do :)

[therisa]

Oh Emily, I hope you have never reached this darkest spot that a soul can find itself, in. You're a light and inspiration to others.

[Emily B]

we are all susceptible sometimes, dear Therisa, even the brightest light can be dimmed

[therisa]

I understand, Emily.

[R. L. Hill]

"So many times
I have found myself
On this particular ledge
Teetering.

Waiting for
A gust of wind
To knock me
Over.

Only
Never to come."

These lines right here are so beautiful and true. When I was in the midst of my abuse by the hands of my ex-boyfriend, I remember looking down the barrel of a gun many times and then that nagging guilt at not being able to actually pull the trigger clawing at the back of my mind. What hope was I supposed to cling on to that never brought my fears, anxieties, etc to fruition?

[therisa]

Quirklet, may I offer you, a hug of support and gentleness, to you?

Surviving abusive relationship takes a toll, which many people don't realize, until they find themselves, trapped in. I hope, you have found the support and love from friends and family members, who care for you.