Catspaw

Suicidal idealations.

Seditious thoughts

Betrayer of my soul

Where Death matters more

Then my next breath.

Self-destructive

Seeking an ending

Which has no beginning

Only pain.

As the dreams

Grew more powerful

With each night's

Failed sleep.

A body consumed

By exhaustion

And expectations

Of performing more

Yet failing to meet.

While the conversation

Within my mind

Walks down avenues

I dread to tread.

Knowing

I will not like

What awaits me

When I do so.

Neither salvation

Nor Heaven

Awaits me.

But damnation

And Hell.

Author's Note

Originally written August 16, 2013.

For too many years, I have fought a very bitter battle with suicidal idealation, which is generated by my severe and chronic depressions, and PTSD. Only recently, has it returned with a vengence upon me, as I have been struggling with for the past six weeks, and losing ground to.

Reviews

[SHEEMA HUQ]

Oh my, these conflictions are very brutal and one hope that your frame of thinking and feeling recovers sooner than later, many sympathies and supportive wishes to you.

[therisa]

Thank you, Sheema. Like the weather, my emotional patterns change with the seasons, which means, for me, I have entered my wintertime, until mid-January.

[icelandicblue]

The struggle is clear in your words. There is so much pain in life but even in the darkest of moments there is a light somewhere, it is the search that keeps us going and the finality of things that cannot be undone. I am so sorry for your pain and I hope that there is help and love somewhere to help you.

[therisa]

Icelandicblue, this pain, I write about, is caused, by PTSD, from the violence of my upbringing, at home and on the schoolyard. I am getting help, to manage these flare-ups, but the waiting list are long, here.

[TL Boehm]

Peace. There are so many days when I want to be done with the things in my life but I am terrified to be done with life itself. Anxiety and depression are monsters manifesting differently in different people - while I want the madness to stop - I don't want to stop. And for that reason since I am so against stopping - the pollyanna in me responds to this piece with that same "DONT STOP don't give up mantra. I think part of the healing is in writing this out as you have done. Hard as it is for us to read it and register that your pain is deep - there is release in the honesty.

[Emily B]

peace, sister, perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim, i just read it on Ken Simm's page, enjoy our pain because one day it will mean something to us

or something esoteric and wise

i am neither these days, a lost pup, looking for answers, the floor fell out from under me and i am scrambling to find my place again

wishing you rest

[therisa]

Thank you, Emily. I am struggling with a way that I express my journey, to date, but don't know how. I feel that I owe it to people, like yourself, who have been here, for me, when I needed support.

[Emily B]

your journey is your own, and the way you express your own heart is your own, too - don't let anyone pull you off your own path to healing, sending you blessings

[therisa]

Thank you, Emily. I have been a renewal of my PTSD, since mid-Summer.

[Emily B]

keep working through it

[therisa]

I am, by seeking out professional help.

[Emily B]

i quit my job, i am amazed at the difference it has made in my life

thinking of you