Fear Of Being Forced "Out"

As I sat down, to write, the following six monologues, I realized, they are interconnected with one and another, were the ending of one, marks the beginning of another one, forming a complete narrative, of the trials, surrounding a person, as they came "out of the closet", or forced "out", by a love one, like my mom, did to me. How depression and anxiety, are guiding the resulting direction, I take, as I walk down this road, towards finding inner peace, with myself and my body.

I think, this is, one of the hardest step, I had to, mastered for myself, first, before, I could move on, with my life, the way that I want to, not buckling, under the mental pressure, from other people, because their fear or hate, of me. The following monologue, lays out, some of my fears that were keeping me, back.

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Fear Of Being Forced "Out"

I am amazed at, how naïve and stupid; I was, regarding my own fears, about "coming out of the gender closet," prior to July 1, 2006, focusing, almost exclusively, upon my physical concerns, while suffering, in silent, emotionally. Thinking, I could handle, these building pressures, without having it, affecting my physical health. Remind me, next time, to pay better attention, to what my body is trying to tell me. As I moved deeper, into myself, trying to bury my true emotions, until they became, too toxic to handle, in a safe and healthy way. Forced by, the resulting build-up of toxic stress upon my body, to take numerous days off, all without pay, placing my job and housing, at risk, as a result.

Do not get me, wrong, my other fears, were and still are valid, for many other Transpeople, especially concerning our access to housing. Legally, the landlord cannot discriminate against a person, because of their "Trans" status, but it does not stop them, from doing so. Scared, they would find a reason, to force our eviction on some fictitious or frivolous grounds. Making our life, extremely uncomfortable, making us, to want to move out on our own, saving them, the headache of dealing with the Tenant/Landlord Tribunal.

Personally, I heard stories, about a few girls, who had the door slammed on them, when they were looking for an apartment. Even though, they were told beforehand, there is an open apartment, and the City of Toronto, would be paying a subsidy, which the landlord had signed an agreement to. Only to have the Landlords have reneged, at the front door, stating,, “…the previously vacant apartment had just been rented out”.

In my case, my landlords, at one place, were truly, two royal pieces of work, showing up, often without giving 24 hour notice. The very act violates, the Tenant/Landlord Act of Ontario, by doing impromptu inspections of my place, looking for anything, which they could nail me with. Facing the accusation, of breaking their property, because a cupboard door would constantly, fell down, because they were too cheap to get it fixed right, the first time. Or, when, I first moved in, I was forced, to buy a reinforcement plate for my door, one, they had promised to fixed, but only acted after I did, by paying, a portion of the cost, back.

Saying, they were getting around to it, but I could open the locked door, with a gentle push on it. They were, my landlords from Hell. As I realized, I had to, suppress my true self, when I started buy women's clothing, I had to, become more secretive, with my female attire and how I looked after it. Never, had a happier moment, then, telling them, to go screw themselves, with a rusty nail. First time, I felt great, standing up, to them and voicing my own honest opinion.

Wish I could say, I was never harassed, for being myself, but I know that this is a lie. In October 2006, a Regional of Peel police officer, demanded to see, my personal id from me, when I was just steps away, from my Brampton apartment. Stating, a number of break-ins had occurred, in the neighbour and he thought, I was involved with them.

Funny thing is, none of the surrounding neighbours, were talking about these alleged burglaries, which is highly unusual thing to happen. Normally, people warn each other, if there is a burglary ring operating, in the area, but no one had.

All, because I had decided to, let my wild and tangled hair down, after another long shift at work, wearing a hairnet. Matters were made worse; as he chided me, for taking public transit, when I had a valid driver's licence, on me. Hello? Have you ever, tried to keep a car on the road, on $10.25/hour? Not possible, and still be able to survive, without sacrificing my ability to buy food and pay rent. What a freaking maroon and waste of my tax dollars, too. Wish I had been smart enough, to request, his name and badge number, to report him, back to his supervisor. I will remember this, the next time that this happens, to me.

Possibly, my greatest fear, concerning being "forced from the closet,” occurs when I went shopping at women's clothing store, for myself. At the time, I did not know my sizes and had to ask the store staff, for their help. Saying, my girlfriend had similar measurements, as I did, across the chest. Hoping, the clerk would not embarrass me, by asking a question, which would "out" me, in a very public place, without any offer of shelter, from the other shoppers, there. Never realizing, they could be causing any harm, to a possible customer, like me. Wonder, if they ever got other Transpeople, asking them, similar questions of them?