Bullying: A Form OF Abuse

Although, bullying is universely experienced, there seems to be, a higher rate for LGBT kids. This is part of my experience.

I know we all have faced challenges, in our lives, which helped shape our development, as a person and a community, as a whole, often with powerful consequences that we do not see, until too late. For many kids, bullying is a common everyday occurrence, in their lives, for the Transcommunity, it takes on an additional painful burden that can be expressed later on, in life, with mental health issues, like depression, anxiety, and paranoia, to name a few, which can lead to suicide attempts. The following monologue, talks about my school yard experiences with bullying and some of its impact upon me.

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Bullying: A Form Of Abuse

According to the Saskatchewan Ministry of Justice and Attorney General, and I quote:

"...interpersonal violence and abuse refers to violence and abuse that occurs between people who know each other. It can occur within or outside a family setting. Violence is when there is an unlawful exercise of physical force that may result in criminal charges or physical and/or sexual abuse. Abuse is when someone in a caring relationship does or says things to gain control over another person by hurting that person or causing feelings such as fear, anxiety, nervousness, guilt, helplessness or worthlessness".

As I read, the above quoted definition, it saddens me that children, as young as, four years old, are engaging in these types of acts, when they bully their fellow students, because of a perceived difference in their looks, clothes or ability. Something, I know all too, from my past experiences, as child growing up, in both rural and urban locations. For twelve years (1975 to 1987), I endured this torture, in its various form, whether verbally, physically or psychologically, destroying my fragile and developing psyche. Like an ant crushed under your heel, without a second thought, while you are walking down the sidewalk. Society, simply dismiss this, as boys being boys. Utterly and total nonsense!! Although, I must admit there is a greater public awareness of the damage that bullying has upon people, whether an adult or a child.

Starting at Erin, with kindergarten, in 1975, and continued until 1987, when I transferred to a different high school, in Brampton. My school life was one huge living nightmare, as bullying became a regular focal point of my experiences, as a student. Wish I could say, there were huge differences between the rural and urban bullying, but there isn't, only degrees, which they focus on it. In Erin, the bullying focus on more physical appearances, like facial scars, clothing and the fact that I had trouble speaking, as a result of an electrical burn that happened a year before I started schooling. You see, I had problems pronouncing certain letters, tended to slur my words and I stuttered badly, which labelled me, a perfect bully’s target. There was one kid, who went out of his way, to abuse, because he was taller and could do it.

Pardon me, but some of my memories are blurry, in regards to this bully and his last name. I do know his first name, but refuse to acknowledge his existence, in my life. Let’s call him, R, for now. R would walk out of his way, after school, instead of going straight home, making my life, a living hell, for that brief period, in the spring of 1978. One day, he chased me, up a tree and waited until I came down, before physically attacking me. While waiting, think R searched my belongings and found a tin of apple sauce, which he smeared over my pale green winter jacket. Other kids, just gathered around us, forming a human circle, crying out for blood, like sharks circling their wounded prey, before attacking, as they cheered him, on.

Not sure, how I got down, but remember R had me, in a headlock and was raining down punches upon my body. When I bent my knees and drove straight up with my head, connecting the crown of my head, with his lower jaw, shattering R's two front upper adult teeth, just above the gum line. Strangely, mom was worried about, being denied access to Erin's only barber, who R’s grandfather was. Nothing happened and I never saw R again. But, it was a scary couple of months, without any repercussion to me or my family. Rumour had it, he and his family moved to Calgary, Alberta.

My family left Erin, in December 1979 and moved to the big city of Brampton, population about 100 000 people, then. Often, wonder to myself, what drew these bullies to me? Was it my lack of height, speech impediments, or did they perceived me, as being "gay", thus fair game for attacking without punishment, or a combination of, all of the above. Don't think I will ever know their real motivation, and not sure, I want to listen to their lame excuses. Of all, the people, who targeted me, W and G, were the worse, for it. W, speaking with a Jamaican accent, was the brains behind these actions, if you think, this needs brains. G spoke with a Greek one, provided the dumb muscle when needed, following the lead of W. Damaging, both my soul and my physical property, with their actions.

Starting in the third grade, until I transferred to another high school, at the end of grade 10, I dread to going to school, knowing they would be waiting for me. They turned school, a place of learning and growth, into one of fear and shrunk my soul. Would try any excuse to avoid going to school, often faking illness to my parents, or skipping entire days, outright. My constant skipping and absenteeism got me in trouble, with the threat of Juvenile Detention, hanging over my head, for the second half of grade 7. What mom and dad don't know I would go down into the kitchen, usually around 3 or 4am and place a knife against my chest, from the ages of 17 to 20 years old, except I lack the necessary arm strength, to push it fully into my chest. Only a few people know about this and my parents were, not among them. I finally told my mom, about this, in January 2011, over a phone call. Whom, I had been isolating myself, from her.

The library and its books became my sanctuary, away from the violence that marked my life, losing myself, in fantasy and science fiction novels, hoping to find a way out of my reality. By marking the pathway, towards a magical talisman, which could change my entire life, else, take me, to another world, safe from bullies, which never exist, except in these books that I read.

These memories, I have keep locked away, in a sealed off area of my mind, hoping that I could forget about them, instead of, having them, emerging back, into the open, during counselling sessions, or during post-traumatic flashbacks, often triggered by, a stray sound, smell or another unrelated memory and other stress filled situations, triggering a giant wave of anger at myself, for being so helpless, in dealing with these negative feelings, in a more constructive and healing way. My mental barriers crashed down upon me, August 14, 2007, as I had a very severe panic attack, while riding the TTC subway, lasting 26 hours, before going away.

Adding more fuel, onto the fire, as it damages my already tattered psyche. Wondering, if I had, only gone just one more extra step, things could have turned out different for me, thus sparing, the verbal and physical abuse, on the schoolyard. Yeah, I know, this is the classic thinking pattern, of a victim of abuse, who blames themselves, for other's people action, which they have no control over, that I find myself, trapped in. Knowing, I need to break this vicious cycle, before I can move on.

Author's Note

All names, except for my own, will be represented by the first initial of their real names.