Choosing My Name

Hello, my name is Therisa. How do I spell it? Spell it, like this, "T...h...e...r...i...s...a", while pronouncing it, as Theresa, but you already know, this. Yes, I will admit, it is a different and unique spelling. Sadly, I am not the first woman, to spell her name, this way. Drat!!

 

A true expression of my own self-declaration to the world, of whom, I am. A woman, who is, beyond being merely ordinary, in finding herself, free of the usual limitations, placed on us, by the normal conventions, which many are stuck in. Challenging a long standing concept, concerning the definition of gender, and what it means, in the modern world, that I live in.

 

Seriously, though, there are two very simple explanations, for why, I choose this name, for myself. First, being my family and its long tradition of, honouring previous generations, on my dad's side of the family. All of my life, whether living it, as a man or as a woman, have reflected this personal value. Finding myself, at a loss of words, to describe, how very important this is, in my life and my view, of what, a family means to me. Almost destroying me, in a very powerful and negative way, I had to deal with the emotional baggage, afterwards, when I exited the gender closet. For better or worse, my huge extended family of uncles, aunts and cousins, have always, meant a source support during times of crisis, in the past. Except, now, as I have kept my silence, about the journey, I have embarked upon, as I transition, from a male body to female, for religious and political reasons.

 

A chance conversation, between my mom and I, while grabbing a bite to eat at a local restaurant, did I learn about my possible name, of Theresa, has I been born female, at birth. Not really sure, why I did ask her, then, what my name would have been, had I been born, female. Guess, curiosity drove me, more than anything, else did. Looking back, I wish that I had been more forceful, in my questioning of her, like where did their decision to use Theresa, came from, but was too scared, she would find out about me, before I was ready, to tell her.

Why, will remain a mystery that mom and dad, will carry to the grave, with their death.

 

Though, a bit hazy on the exact date, I do know, it happened least six months, before I stopped lying to myself, about my true gender. Thought, by taking Therisa, I hoped that mom would realize how much she and dad meant to me, except, my plea fell upon her deaf ears. Even six years after learning about my Trans nature, she felt totally uncomfortable with my presence, and couldn’t even express my name, Therisa, whether in the written form or orally.

 

Only now, do I realize, to my mom, Therisa, is like waving a red flag, at a charging wounded bull. To her, this seems like; it came right out of the blue, without any advance warning. But, I wonder, why she asked me, if I was gay, when she discovered the truth about me. I don't mean gay, as a lesbian, but a homosexual man. . A question, that I would have loved, to asked, but will never do so, given our broken relationship. My reply, which I honestly, gave her question, was a flat "no", but left it at that, without giving any more details.

 

Secondly, the name change is, one of the first and foremost important step, I need to do, to make a clean break, from my current biological gender identity and birth name, which the world associates with my physical body. A chosen name, reflective of the proper gender, which I want the world to see me, as. I do know, changing my name, will not change, who I am, as a person, but offers a huge psychological boost to me. A vital part, in living my life, full time, as a woman, knowing, there is a long journey, ahead of me.

 

But I do need to live a full year, as Therisa, with all my legal documents changed, as such, before I can apply to get funding for the gender reassignment surgery, as covered by the province of Ontario. I will talk more about this process, later on, in another chapter.