Blowback

Another stage, in my healing.

Deceptive

Like a chilly Spring day

Under a bright sunny sky

Never realizing

The wind's bitter bite

Until too late.

An apt description

Of my early years

After leaving the shelter

In a new city.

Burden with

A ton of emotional baggage

Like Marley's ghost

With his cash boxes padlocks

And chains.

Felt comfortable

With my self-identification

As a woman trapped

In a man's body.

And yet

My anger grew

Both internally and externally

Over unresolved issues

Being trans.

Until I became

Transphobic

Against myself.

Symbolically

Purging myself

Of everything

Associated being female.

Locking away

My dresses and skirts

In the darkest corner

Of my closet.

In the misguided hope

It would make whole

What was fractured

Beyond all repairs.

My mom's love

And support.

Realize now

That I was punishing

Myself

For not being perfect

Enough child.

As I

Isolated myself

From others

Who offered support

Without judgment

Or question.

Escalating my descent

Into depression

And suicidal thought.

Only after

Hitting rock bottom

Emotionally

Over the holiday season

Of 2010-11.

Have I started

To repair the damage

Inflicted upon my body

And soul.

As I swirl around

In my favourite skirt

While dancing

With one of my cats.

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

Until I became
Transphobic
Against myself.

Symbolically
Purging myself
Of everything
Associated being female.

Wow! To be so traumatized that you fear who you are at your core. That's a deep write, Therisa.

[therisa]

Thank you, Tammy, for taking the time, to read this. This poem was sparked by a comment made during an interview on the local CBC Radio 1 morning show, about lifting the lifetime ban on gay men blood donations. Which, the interviewee talked about the period after he came out and the internal pressures that he had to deal with, like being homophobic to himself.