Summer Of '85: A Season In Hell

Abuse in the family.

You
Raped my soul
Caring not
About the carnage
Left behind you.

As
Your blows
Rained down
Upon me.

Using
Whatever was
At hand.

Whether
It be physical
Or verbal
Jabs.

Even now
Decades later
Am haunted
In my dreams.

Visions
Of a booted foot
Kicking
Or a kitchen chair
Used as a club
Upon my body.

As
I lay
In a fetal
Position.

Nevermind
Those times
Which your hands
Accidentally pushed me
Down the stairs.

Filling
My mind's eye
With terror
In the reliving
My fifteenth summer.

Yet
You walked away
As I punished
Myself.

For
Not being
Strong enough
To stop you
Baby brother
And protect mom.

May
You rot
In a worse spot
Than I have live
In.

Author's Note

Originally written August 25, 2012.

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

Wow. This is an incredibly moving piece. There are things we cannot forget, and struggle to put them in the place they belong.

[therisa]

Thank you, KL. Am still learning how to deal with my flashbacks and other memories of abuse, I have lived through.

[Lyn Anderson]

Unfortunately, there are too many in your same position. The words of others help those who have been through similar.

[therisa]

When the time is right, for them, to open up and share their experiences and dreams.

[MomzillaNC]

Visceral and angry write. I hope penning the anger helps you expel it entirely from your heart.

[therisa]

In a way, Momzilla, but I know, there is more that I need to expel, for a proper healing of my body and soul.

[MomzillaNC]

Something that was incredibly cathartic for me was to pen every detail, and all the rage and hurt and torment. I piled it all in the grill and marinated in charcoal starter fluid. Then lit that sucker up! Quite the bonfire. I stared into those flames and let go, let the flame and heat and smoke have it.

A merry little bonfire is a good way to shed a bad romance too!

[therisa]

Plan to burn every photo that my mom has, of me, when she dies. She has several albums of me. I can't stand to see myself, in those photos.

[MomzillaNC]

No. Not of yourself. Self-destruction, even in a photo, is denying you. Cherish those pictures of you. The whole point is to love you. Forgive yourself for being victimized… you know a little part of you blames yourself for not standing against your tormentors -- for not sinking deep enough to his level to strike back as he struck at you. You need to forgive that in yourself… you need to recognize and acknowledge that it wasn't weakness or failure in yourself. It was, in fact, a kind of strength… the strength that kept you moving forward and out of torment. On that strength (that you want to now obliterate) you built you now: it was the driving engine that took you out of that situation… is still driving you forward toward healing. The bonfire is to destroy, in your own mind, the power of your tormentors… a cathartic action to take back your power into yourself. Burn his picture… burn copies of those letters (I burnt the originals, personally)… burn anything of his in your possession (the more valuable the better :D). Turn all your anger over to the flames, the rising heat… let it billow away with the roiling, rising, billowing smoke. Promise yourself love and peace. Then, go forward and work toward wholeness.

[therisa]

But, these photos are, of a person, who only exist, legally, not whom I am. I have always hated having my photo taken, whether for legal means, or by family members. This dates back, before my brother started to abuse me, when I was 4 years old, I had severe electrical burns to both sides of my mouth, which almost killed me. Still have trouble, looking at myself, in the mirror, as the scar is still visible on my right side of my mouth.

[MomzillaNC]

See… you're words in this response tell me you need those pictures. Your life may not dwell in that dark place any longer. But those pictures are still you. You need to love the you then to embrace the you now and find your path to you tomorrow.

I always hated having my picture taken as well. And, pictures from my childhood used to be painful for me to look at. Now, I can look at those pictures and see the heart of the person who survived… to see where I came from and know that I didn't just survive… I thrived. Please, don't destroy pictures of you. Embrace them and embrace all of you. The girl in those pictures is you.

[therisa]

But I am dressed up, as a boy, for I was scared to tell my parent, about the true me. Having endured various remarks, about bottling up my emotions, for little boys aren't suppose express their emotions so openly. Can still hear my dad telling me, about 6 years old, to suck it up and be a man.

[MomzillaNC]

Boy, girl, transgender, or none of those… it's still you. You may change your look or your body; but it's still the same brain… the same soul. The "true" you is the reality in your brain, your mind. You are your soul. Love you and you learn to really love someone else. And, that's the road away from pain.

[therisa]

Sometimes, I get caught up, in the abuse, rejection and the anger, which followed, without a positive outlet for my destructive emotions. Am slowly finding a way, with art therapy, and my writing. Too many years, I have hated everything about my body, only now, am beginning to feel comfortable with the changes, I have experienced with my HRT programne.

Thank you, for your patience with me. I hope to justify your faith, in me.

[MomzillaNC]

You don't have to justify anyone else's faith in you. You justify you to yourself and to your God. The heart, brain and soul you were born with are the you created by God. That's the you in those pictures… the you your tormentors tried to destroy. I just believe, with every fiber of my being, that destroying those pictures is giving the tormentors the victory.

[therisa]

This is something, I need to think about, before I can give a final answer to you, and myself, Momzilla, regarding the photos. As for my body and soul, that's a daily exercise to love myself, like my 3 cats do, to me. Unconditionally.

[MomzillaNC]

You don't have to give me an answer. You answer to your need, not mine. When all is said and done, we're really strangers and will likely never meet. I only hope to share some small portion of the struggle I faced and the truths I discovered along the journey.

I will say, personally, I hate most of the pictures from own childhood, with their plastic smiles and false perfection. But, I've kept them all because the little girl trapped in those lying pictures is still true and still me. I know the lie and I found the truth. Those pictures, for all their falsehoods, still speak the truth to me and show me the strength of the soul that overcame so much to find this joyful now. That little girl never had the nurturing she needed growing up; but, I learned to nurture her and will keep nurturing her all the days of remaining life.

[therisa]

Sad part is, my mom had to sneak around, to get most of the latter photos, of me. As I did everything to avoid her, when she had the camera, in her hands.

As for my healing, I take it, one baby step, at a time. Having learnt, not to rush the process, which moves, at it's own pace.

[MomzillaNC]

I know what you mean: I did not voluntarily participate in all those fake happy-family photos. There are a lot of pictures of me darting behind something or ducking under a cover of some kind.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[therisa]

Thank you, Momzilla, for your caring concern.

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome. But, really, it's the job of every person to be caring of every other person. I wish more people in this world got that.

[therisa]

People have lost themselves, within their concerns and problems, to see the bigger issue, which plagues society, today. Focusing on the "me" and not, the "we".

[MomzillaNC]

I know. It's sad… people can't seem to think outside their own skin.

[Tina Louise UK]

This is so heart wrenching, really angers me hun..a powerful piece, really well expressed! xoxox

[therisa]

Thank you, Tia, but I rather these memories erased, forever from my mind.

[Tina Louise UK]

I can imagine hun, some of mine too x

[therisa]

Maybe someday.